Derek-My Life As A Fantasy Story

No need to crit this anymore
I wrote it as
Elior Seris
Book of Alarice
Just find that in the fantasy section and comment on it instead
This is no longer being used...well it is but just a much SLOWER version




Derek

[pre] Hello my name is Derek. I’m 15 and I live in small town in Tennessee.
2 years ago in broad daylight my home was invaded.
My parents were killed and I was taken captive.
I was forced to be a servant for a new mighty ruler. Xelban is what they called him. He was a terrible king with extraordinary powers.
The power to imagine, his brain was the ultimate weapon. He could think it and it would be. With this power we began unstoppable.

The earth in his hand he began to destroy the world as we knew it. Rebuilding it in his own image, where he was king and the world was his enemy.
1 year had gone by, nothing had changed. I was 16 and still serving him. I had to see the man’s face every day.
It was embedded in my head, I saw it everywhere, even when I slept.

Xelban wasn’t an ugly man, most women admired his looks. His hair black: poking from the top of his head. He had a muscular physique and always looked proud. He had this grin that made him look even more evil. For some reason he always chewed on the end of an apple stem.
He wore an open blue jacket, and black pants. His crown sat upon his head while he addressed the crowd.

“People of Marques, bow to your king!”

Xelban rose his hands in the air as millions of people below him bowed.

“Now I have issued a new law,” He said with his evil grin. All children must start work at age 5, no exception!”

The crowd of people became angry and chanted “Xelban scum of the land” over and over. Xelban just laughed.

“Your fools,” “Stop your yapping and get back to work!” Xelban place his hand out in front of him, his palm facing the center of the crowd.
A blue flame shot from his hand like a bullet. It smashed into the ground and imploded into the earth. People were sent flying into the air; screams of torture filled the sky.

The earth had started to sink it, forming a bowl in the earth. People below ran from it, as it grew larger.
A whole appeared in the middle of the bowl that seemed to lead nowhere. The people that fell in screams could be heard as they were lost in a infinite space.

Xelban closed his hand. The bowl ceased and the earth returned to normal.

“Now get back to work before I kill you all!”

Guards came from everywhere and lead the people to their working positions.
During all this tragedy I stood next to the kings’ throne. No emotions for those who had died.
It had been a year and every time a new law would pass the same thing would happen. I stopped caring a long time ago. Those people were stupid; I stood by the king every day.
I knew everything that went on in the castle. He was going to kill them anyway; there was no point in resisting it. It was a futile.[/pre]


*Quick Q&A*

Question: Why haven't you posted in a while?!

Answer: I've been taking a writing class to improve and when i told my intructer about the site she said. "Its very good that your on a writing website but while your taking my class i'd rather you not post there.
Screw her lol i'm posting.

Question: Why did you stop so suddenly like that

Answer: Well i'm about to go to bed
and i wanted to post it so some reviews could pile up
while i was asleep lol. Thats just a taste of chapter 1 just so you know.

Question: Will this be a seris?

Answer: Yes but only 2 or 3 books. I dont usually plan on writing more then 2-3 for a seris of books. I like trilogys .

Question: Why do you have a Q&A at the end of your post 0_0?

Answer: My writing teacher thinks it'll help you guys review better o.O
I think its stupid too but i decided meh might as well

Leave comments about how you liked the Q&A and if it helped.
Rather not do that at the end of all my post if its not gonna help anyone.

Entertaining beginning, but this is what I noticed wrong:

With this power we began unstoppable.

'Began' is an odd word to use for this snetience. Perhaps you should rewrite it as: 'With this power we became unstoppable.'?

The earth in his hand he began to destroy the world as we knew it.

'With' should come before 'The'.

screams of torture filled the sky

Torture seems like an akward word to use in this sentience. Maybe 'pain' would work better.

The earth had started to sink it, forming a bowl in the earth.

It just feels like the word 'earth' is used way too much here, maybe mix things up a bit by using the words 'soil', or 'ground'.

A whole appeared in the middle of the bowl that seemed to lead nowhere.

I am guessing you ment to word 'hole'.

The people that fell in screams could be heard as they were lost in a infinite space

This just read wierd. Maybe rewrite is as 'The screams of the people who fell could be heard as they were lost in an infinite space.'


Thats about all I could find, looking forward to more.

It was entertaining to read and a fair attempt while writer's blocked. When I was spewing stuff out to avoid it, the things that came out was much worse than this.

However, if you want to make it a serious piece, it will need more structure and the grammer will certainly need to be touched up. There are places where it doesn't really make sense such as:

With this power we began unstoppable.

It should really be. 'With this power, we were unstoppable.'

So really, my advice is, keep writing this until you feel that you are no longer suffering from a writer's block and can go back on what you've written with all the skill you can muster.

I'm sorry, but I have to say that this piece was not enjoyable to read. At all. It was bland, uninteresting and poorly written. All the spelling mistakes and such have been pointed out, but that is the least of your problems.

What you have to understand is that while you're telling a story, you can't write a novel this way. You describe a series of events, without much detail at all, and yet show none of the other stuff that is necessary in a novel. Let me go through and show you which bits need the most work.

Hello my name is Derek. I’m 15 and I live in small town in Tennessee.
2 years ago in broad daylight my home was invaded.
My parents were killed and I was taken captive.
I was forced to be a servant for a new mighty ruler. Xelban is what they called him. He was a terrible king with extraordinary powers.
The power to imagine, his brain was the ultimate weapon. He could think it and it would be. With this power we began unstoppable.

Your introduction lacks any of the depth that you'll need to get readers into your story. The narrator introduces himself like someone meeting someone else at a party, when perhaps be a bit more solemn, seeing as he's telling of the death of his parents and his life of slavery under a cruel tyrant. Also, you say that this man is terrible, but aside from taking your word for it, we can't tell exactly what sort of person he is. This is where the time-honoured rule of showing rather than telling becomes useful. Basically, rather than just saying he is a terrible king with extraordinary powers, maybe write a scene where you show the way he acts. Show us the powers, or his complete disregard for human life. That way the reader will be more involved and will enjoy your story much more.

Xelban wasn’t an ugly man, most women admired his looks. His hair black: poking from the top of his head. He had a muscular physique and always looked proud. He had this grin that made him look even more evil. For some reason he always chewed on the end of an apple stem.
He wore an open blue jacket, and black pants. His crown sat upon his head while he addressed the crowd.

See above: showing rather than telling. But in addition your description needs work. The words you use don't convey any of the fear or awe that such a character should have. Don't say "open blue jacket and black pants" when you could describe his clothes with more reverence, or perhaps make him wear something a little more fearsome.

Xelban rose his hands in the air as millions of people below him bowed.

Minor point: the thought of millions of people gathered in one place is ridiculous. Lower the number to make it more credible.

I won't keep going through each bit, but the main problem with the rest of the story is that it lacks any sort of depth. You have really dramatic things happening, but you talk about them like I do when describing my boring day at work in my blog. Use more vivid description, use language that reflects what you're trying to say (because remember, how you say something is just as important as what you say), and most importantly, take your time. If you're planning a series of 3 books, you're going to have to include a lot of stuff to fill them up. What you have here could be expanded to an entire chapter of about 5,000 words. You just have to give the events the time they deserve.

I'm sorry to be so harsh, but that's why you're here, right? If you have any questions, you can PM me, or talk to your writing teacher. She'd probably agree with what I'm saying.

And remember; keep writing. Always keep writing.

Thank all of you for your reviews.

I need to point out some things that i messed up.

"we began unstoppable"

That part was soposed to be he became unstoppable...sorry about that
Also i know i put whole instead of hole. I noticed it before but forgot to change it.

Ohio- Well conisdering this was done in 15 mins(if you even read whats at the top and bottom) i didn't take time to seriously read it over. I just wrote it? I didn't put much effort into it seeing as it was random.

Also this is more of a "here is what its going to be about" thing.
It less of thats whats going into the book and more of here i'll explain how my storyline will pan out. Now if i do decide this will be chapter 1 then it will be laid out this way. One more thing is that this is coming from him decribing whats happened in his life to another person. I wasn't going to reveal that for obvious reasons -_-
The reader would learn that later.

Did you read the whole thing?
Xelban made a law so 5 year olds would have to work hard labor!
He also killed a good ammount of people. So you cant tell me he doesn't seam evil.

Please to anyone who crits this after this post.
This is a very short ammount of time to write something good.
I'm looking for less grammer and more storyline-how its laid out. That kinda stuff i'm not worried about the grammer portion. I will re-write this after i get all the crits i need.
Also comments on if the Q&A helped your crit at all.

Who is your writing teacher? And...it was okay, but there are a ton of grammar errors. A TON. And I'm not going to fix them all right now. I have to agree with Ohio on the fact that the beginning was boring, but this story does have potential. And what friend told you this idea?

Hey, I guess I'm the first girl to read this by your comments!

Anyway, my advise is that this is too scattered. You go from one thing to another at a really rapid pace, which makes it really hard to read.

Also, their is grammer errors in this (however, don't feel bad as I have really bad grammer myself )

Other than that, I think this has potential. I mean, it was an interesting topic and I thought it was cool how you got this idea from yourself....even though I'm pretty sure this isn't how your life really is! lol

Anyway, I just advise that you keep writing and all that grammer stuff will come together.

The introduction is terrible. Even Sailor Moon had a better introduction at the start of each episode. Though even that introduction was barely passable by current standards for 'My name is..." type. The whole normal life turned into fantasy doesn't work too well with how you have done it out, while it is a bland and unoriginal idea you portrayed it just as such.

Seriously, just watch the first episode of Sailor Moon and it parallels your story aspects, but somehow comes off better at the same time. And no I am not plugging Sailor moon just because I get my nightly fix on it. It is just that a normal girl becomes the warrior at age 14 and it sounds like your story.