Young Writers Society

I had punch, it had heart and it was real.

Good work :]

Eimear

I didn't know about gold stars back when I read this. I've returned and now I DO know what they are, and you're getting one from me. Awesome job. I applaud your talent.

Wow. That was a very depressing story! I agree with most of the people on here, the format of your writing is a little hard to understand, it kind of requires you to think more than you should when reading a piece. (about the way it's written, not the words.)

I actually think you might want to try to be a little more descriptive when writing strong pieces like this.

I had a problem when you wrote, "And to me, that seems like forever. " You should never start a sentence with the word 'and'.

Just a word of advice!!

I have to agree with valiant with the format. I like it with a sentence per line. Because it's so short and each sentence matters so much, I think it sets each thought off nicely. (maybe this is just because I do this in my own writing sometimes...)

I can also see where the poster was coming from who said this was edging on cliche. I agree and say you expand a bit and make the feelings and situation specific to the real person this is based off of...but the fact you wrote this for your friend is wonderful.

You really showed the situation well. I could feel the emotions of the MC. Which made me feel depressed--but was good.

The ending was brilliant. Just brilliant. I can't say much more than that.

Yeah this was very powerful. I liked how you kept it brief, I think it created a more realistic setting because you kept it brief. Um whatever happened to her step father is he in prison or did the mother and daughter run away? Just curious... But yeah very powerful.

Jonathan

Powerfrul. Stunning. Captivating. There isn't much I have left to say, only that your work is a wonderful piece. I like it the way it is formatted since this is very short, it made me want to read more, to hurry on to the next phase or else it would be too late for the main character. It feels as if for every line, the ends draws even nearer but even so - I have to read it, I have to know what happens.

Its brevity is its trump card for me however, you could add more emotion into it. More anxiety, more terror. Though this piece stands well enough as it is.

Great job. Keep on writing.

I never thought so many people would comment... and like it! Thanks everyone! I'll be sure to use all the advice people have given me the future. This isn't meant to continue, but maybe I'll change my mind in the future.

Thanks again!

Ja

I agree with the general population, this is quite good. I also quite liked the formatting, contrary to other people. I think it seperated the text quite nicely, and was a bit outside the norm; it made me really feel like I was in the character's head, cos it was like she/he was thinking right onto the page- you don't think in paragraphs. It made sense to me.

And even though the basic storyline is NASTY, like abuse and whatnot, you seemed to pull off writing down the facts and interlinking the emotions really well.

I applaud you.

[quote]Before him people had mistaken her for my older sister.

you should have a comma after him

a couple of lines down you us came it should be come

over all i liked the story and it was a powerful one at that, you have something here, keep writing. it is horrible that your friend went through this, but if you keep writing this i will keep reading, you have a great hook so far, keep going and good luck

I really liked that story and thought it was very realistic. A lot of children are being abused like this and it should be stopped. And I'm really sorry it happened to your friend. It was well written and a touching story. I felt like I was there while all the abuse was happening.

so this is true you say.. and you showed this to your friend and she said.. brilliant great.. shit.. id be like.. damn. this is how you think of me. you know what i mean? like she or (you) knows how I (her) feels! and jesus.. call child services for godssake and stop writing poems! or.. call child services... THEN write poems.. shoot.. and yea id be a little creeped out if this was me and my friend wrote a poem about it... but isnt this under fiction? but anyway.l. i dont know what to say... but anyway... i could understand it fine.. but yea it is a bit cliche.. even if it is true.. add some panda bears and youre money

That's HARDLY I review Xena. We're talking about the writing piece, NOT the situation. And if you noticed, the author said that her friend was better now.

It's a sad thing when people, children no less, are abused.

This story really caught my attention and I felt that the formatting worked for it.

As others have said, the counting down at the end was a great way to end it.

I'm glad your friend is ok.

I. NITPICKS

So here I am, lying in my closet, my shoes poking me every which direction, hiding from the monster until he comes to get me.

I don’t like the way this is worded .I think you should take out the comma after closet and instead use “with”. And then “hiding from the monster until he comes to get me” doesn’t sound right.

Being a man over 275 pounds made of pure muscle, you already know this isn't going to be some smack that only stings for a while and goes away after a couple of minutes.
It's bad enough when he's sober.

Don’t bring the reader into the story. So instead “Being a man over 275 made of pure muscle I already know this isn’t going to be some smack that only stings for a while and goes away after couple of minutes. No, it’s bad enough when he’s sober.”

I hear things crashing downstairs. I hear my mother scream after a loud 'smack' [I don‘t like the repetition of “smack”] . Pots and pans rebound off the walls. Dishes are being thrown as if they were [I think this should be “are”] Frisbees.
I lay in my closet and pray; although I know nothing will happen. I figured out God doesn't give a damn about me; otherwise I wouldn't be in this situation.

Now she's scared to come save me. She sits and watches, rubbing her face where she was smacked, like that was anything compared to my bruises.
All she had was a swollen cheek; I'm close to death.
He drags me by the hair and forces me downstairs, throws me against a wall, and starts kicking and punching and spitting.
I hear his footsteps near the staircase.
I start counting the seconds; last time it him [What?] 134 seconds to come and get me. Seventy seconds is the record.

I hear him stomping up the steps. Twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three.
Now he's jumping over the computer he knocked over a week ago. Thirty, thirty-one.
I feel the ground vibrate as he closes the distance. Forty, forty-one, forty-two.
Light shines on me as my closet is yanked open, my closet doors screeching in protest.
Forty-nine seconds. A new record.

I’m confused? Wasn’t he beating the MC a couple of moments ago but she was still in the closet?

II. OVERALL IMPRESSIONS

I’m so sorry it took me so long to review this. I have been very inactive on here and busy with summer stuff, so please forgive me! I really like this piece. I love the MC’s biting cynicism and I think you portrayed the abuser as a very good monster. I also like the choppiness of the style…it just seems to fit in very nicely. Keep up the good work and please don’t eat me for getting this to you so late!

AH! I liked it, but one thing is killing me! The end! It just stops, and I scrolled frantically up and down looking for more. Why must you leave it on such a cliff hanger! I suppose that was intentional, but still, that doesn't make it any better for me. BLAARGH! I want to yell now, thanks.