Convenient Interruption & Residues

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(The first one may be a narrative, but I found these two in a notebook and so I'm posting them together in Dramatic)

Convenient Interruption

"That does it!
That bumbling Helios comes
blundering in again.
What say, Venus? Shall I
kick him headlong forth then?
He'll drown your hosts in giddy passion,
the way designers call it fashion.
Those innocents love the stars at night-
will these lovers not receive a fright?"

Venus, rosy, now laughs at me stout-
"You'll burn your toes if you kick him out.
Those lovers, crafty, find shady haunts.
Some bedsheet craft your innocence wants.
As for the sun-kid, you know he's hot."

"He's hot! What rot! He's certainly not!"

"Envy for the blondes, my school-boy bard?"

"Shut up! You're dead! The night's unstarr'd"
-----

(I discovered this structure accidentally when I decided to leave off the first verse at "somewhere". I'll use this again, maybe)

Residues

Winter comes and winter goes
and nothing happens, but it snows
somewhere.

April still knows-
hearts freeze, blood flows
from there.

Some bells bloomed blue our sorrows ring.
Each day, fresh flowers the gardeners bring
and grow.

Who knows that night from long before,
when clouds came soft and then let pour
no snow.

I waited, but only rain falls here
and to add to it, I shed a tear
of loss.

I fear she's gone, like dried up grass
and I'm left to burn with lens or glass
the moss.

The ground is stained with puddle and pond
that washed away my dreamed beau monde
to mud.

I'd love to dry her shirt, but feign
that there, the dark and cloudy stain,
is blood.
Last edited by Palantalid on Thu Mar 20, 2008 6:34 am, edited 1 time in total.
What syllable are you seeking,
Vocalissimus,
In the distances of sleep?
Speak it.
—Wallace Stevens, “To the Roaring Wind”




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The first one's good - it's quite funny. The second one seems kind of ... pointless.

When you say 'Your dead' it should be you're as in you are.

That's your one mistake. I really do like Convenient Interruption.
Bkwrm




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Hello! :)
Convenient Interruption:
In your first stanza, I really loved your rhyme scheme. The only thing that bugged me and I'm not quite sure why is when you used the line "will these loves not receive a fright?" It's just that, the rest of your lines were really wonderful and witty but then you got here and it turned bland. You know what I mean? That's all for that poem. As far as content, I really liked it. The end could be better though.

Residues:
I don't find this pointless by any means. The rhyme scheme took a while to get used to but after I reread this it proved to be quite brilliant. The last two stanzas sent chills through me. Very nice. :)

Happy editing!
~Rieda
I love, love.
*This wonderful crit is brought to you by CCF!*




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Thank you, booky and Rieda. I'm glad that these were not totally underestimated. And congratulations bkwrm, for catching that grammatical. I was just checking whether anyone would notice. No, really, I was.
What syllable are you seeking,
Vocalissimus,
In the distances of sleep?
Speak it.
—Wallace Stevens, “To the Roaring Wind”



Remember the rain that made your corn grow.
— Haitian Proverb