Freewrite #1

Deleted

Hey. Nice work. I really enjoyed reading this though there are a few things I'd like to point out and ask you about.

What tone were you going for when you wrote this work? To me it sounds extremely formal, and no offence but the attempts at creating an informal feel to the work simply do not work.

I will save that destination for when I have a family of my own. Anyway...

The first sentence of this sounds incredibly formal, not at all like regular speech but the 'Anyway...' opposes this. This happens a few times during the piece and made reading it a tad annoying. Obviously it's being narrated by a the boy after quite a long time but I think you need to tone down the sophistication of the boy's thoughts.

I thanked any deity that may have been listening for our safe passage through that storm

Stuff like that.

The second thing I wanted to ask you about was the part about the Titans. You don't explain why he calls them Titans. Obviously there are the metaphorical connotations like strength and power etc but it's just tossed in there, not worked into the piece. The offhand tone he takes with them initially detracts from the feeling of absolute terror I believe you were intending to create.

By Titans I mean Tornadoes.

This line has to go. Try to come up with some other way to explain what they literally are, this just seems like a cop-out.

And please, please change

Terror is not a good topic of conversation and is better left forgotten. It does make for some decent writing, however.

Not the best ending.

I'd really like to see how this one turns out. Will it be the first of journal entries or something similar?

r u rly 23??

lol.

[quote="timmy41"]r u rly 23??

lol.[/quote]

Yes.

misuse of the quote tool....total face palm.

and wow, unlucky dude.

[quote="scurley7"]Hey. Nice work. I really enjoyed reading this though there are a few things I'd like to point out and ask you about.

What tone were you going for when you wrote this work? To me it sounds extremely formal, and no offence but the attempts at creating an informal feel to the work simply do not work.

[quote] I will save that destination for when I have a family of my own. Anyway... [/quote]

The first sentence of this sounds incredibly formal, not at all like regular speech but the 'Anyway...' opposes this. This happens a few times during the piece and made reading it a tad annoying. Obviously it's being narrated by a the boy after quite a long time but I think you need to tone down the sophistication of the boy's thoughts.

[quote]I thanked any deity that may have been listening for our safe passage through that storm[/quote]
Stuff like that.

The second thing I wanted to ask you about was the part about the Titans. You don't explain why he calls them Titans. Obviously there are the metaphorical connotations like strength and power etc but it's just tossed in there, not worked into the piece. The offhand tone he takes with them initially detracts from the feeling of absolute terror I believe you were intending to create.

[quote]By Titans I mean Tornadoes.[/quote]
This line has to go. Try to come up with some other way to explain what they literally are, this just seems like a cop-out.

And please, please change

[quote]Terror is not a good topic of conversation and is better left forgotten. It does make for some decent writing, however.[/quote]
Not the best ending.

I'd really like to see how this one turns out. Will it be the first of journal entries or something similar?[/quote]

Thank you.

Just a freewrite nothing more. No journal. More for sure, different topics also.