Grace:

Cold and broken,
the naked girl quivers like
a bent stem in the wind
and her hands are
curved like a cup

She dies
in between sobs. You want
to pet her

and whisper in her ear with warm breath.

You want her braids
to move like the palm
trees

and her hands to open
like the pomegranate as
it is sliced open, seeds
bleeding out.

She was a girl
who staggered upon the wet ground, cold and bro-
ken—

you were nothing
but a shattered twig, and as she
dies, you are delivered
into the forest.

This is a lovely poem and I think you have a really nice new style going. I love how you separated the word broken (if that was on purpose.) Anyways, sorry to not be more helpful, but this was really great.

Quite nice. You have a nice voice going on and some great images.

and her hands are
curved like a cup

That, for instance, was really effective.
I thought the piece could have benefited from more punctuation. I liked the free flow of it, but I think it would help the rhythm to just add some pauses.
I think the last stanza is a little out of the blue. You didn't really set it up, and I thought the meaning could have been clearer. Also, the splitting of the word 'broken' didn't really work - I found it contrived, and it doesn't help the rhythm.
Overall, good job!

I don't know whether I've read anything by you before, so I can't say whether this is better than your old style, but I do like your style and voice in this.
It could benefit from more punctuation, but I actually like it very much without capitals.

"who staggered on the wet ground, cold and bro-
ken. had she not died"
I like the way you broke up these lines. Did you do it on purpose because the word it 'broken'? Just curious.

So, in general, quite good. I didn't really understand it, but... *shrugs*


*adna*

Hey there Gadi, good to see you around and all.

Style is an interesting thing - certainly you're free to experiment with different types of poetry, but I think you'll probably end up finding that no matter how you chop and change, there'll always be something of your own voice in it. I'd say it's a good thing.

Now onto your poem. It may only be a personal thing, but I'm quite into observing grammar unless there's a really good reason not too. Now for some poems - such as ones dealing with specific dialects of language, for example - I think it's justified, but I'm not sure this one need it, Punctuation is a massively important tool for a poet, and if you're not able to make a very strong statement by omitting it, then take advantage of it! As it is your poem seems rather rushed because of the lack of end-stopped lines, and I don't think that's the impression you want to give from this one, it needs to be a bit more downbeat. Break it up some more, create those pauses at appropriate places and so on - I have complete faith in your ability to do so!

This is an excellent poem for evoking emotion - it's haunting, it introduces characters that are compelling in their strangeness, it hints at events that we would love to know more about. So give it to us! This one, I reckon, is just too short - it needs development, character expansion; we want to know what's going on!

I guess my feeling about this one is that while it's very beautiful, it's also quite inaccessible. It needs something for us to get our teeth into, but I reckon if you're up to editing it you could make something really and truly excellent out of it. Good luck! I know we'll see more of your stuff around

R

Thanks everyone!

Good luck! I know we'll see more of your stuff around

You bet!

I don't know whether I've read anything by you before

I haven't of yours either! You must be new! Welcome to YWS!!!

That was very good. I have not read your first poem, but this seems to be working for you. There is great imagery, but some of the word usage was not very effective.

For example, when you say "you want to pet her," it seemed to be out of place and strange. When you say you want her hands to spread out like pomegranate seeds "bleeding out," that was confusing word usage. I do not think the word "bleeding" was the best choice as it conveys blood - of course.

It sounds good in general, but could use a few tweaks.

Some fabulous stuff here!

I won't rant about how awesome some of the stuff is in here, because I think you know, but I do have two qualms.

The first would be this line:

and whisper in her ear with warm breath.

This is separated, which gives it more of an emphasis. This is fine, but I sort of want to see it as a hiss more, as something that is just said in passing. Because this is a longer line than the rest of the poem, it sticks out and it seems longer, which makes the hiss/whisper quality gone. I would probably cut it up and see if I can shorten it at without making it lose anything.

And then the last stanza... for some reason, it failed to deliver for me. I think it's because of the metaphor. You didn't start with it, so it seems random put in there, if that makes any sense.

Still! Good stuff.