New Soul #3

Chapter 3

Lena stared at the girl openmouthed. The girl herself did not look so suprised, instead she wore a smile; Lena's smile.

"W-who are y-you," Lena stuttered, blinking rapidly.

"Your sister, of course! My name is Pandora," announced Pandora as she took a curtsy.

"T-thats not possible! I never had a sister! My mother-"

"Your mother is not your mother. Don't you see Lena? She never was your real mother! You look nothing like her!"

Pandora was right. Lena mother had fine blond hair and green eyes.

"Then who is my real mother? Where is she?" Lena asked suspiciously. Pandora smiled widely.

"She is back at home! At Witch Valley!" answered Pandora cheerfully as she took a step forward towards Lena.

"There is no such place," muttered Lena as she took a step back, but Pandora was now a foot away from Lena.

"Here, these are for you," said Pandora as she held the yellow flowers towards Lena. Lena made now attempt to take them as she stared down at the flowers. Pandora continued talking as she casually lowered the flowers.

"There is a place called Wiich Valley and that is your real home. This place is not where you belong. Haven't you realized how no one understands you? Well, that isn't the only reason really. The real reason is that you are a new soul and-"

"Stop" Lena whispered looking up.

Pandora smiled uncertainly and gave a sudden wave before skipping away into the woods. Lena watched as Pandora disappeared from view. She looking down and found the yellow flowers in a neat pile in front of her.

Strange. I don't remember her putting that there, Lena thought as she stepped over the pile and walked back home.

*did not finish*

I. Nitpicks

Pawprint wrote:"There is a place called Wiich Valley and that is your real home. This place is not where you belong. Haven't you realized how no one understands you? Well, that isn't the only reason really. The real reason is that you are a new soul and-"

Small typo.

II. The "mom" thing

"Your mother is not your mother. Don't you see Lena? She never was your real mother! You look nothing like her!"Pandora was right. Lena mother had fine blond hair and green eyes.

Just because she doesn't look like her mom - I don't think she would automatically accept that the woman isn't her mother just because she has blond hair. We all don't all have characteristic of our parent's. That's just something I wanted to point out.

III. Reactions

I think you should have add more specifics about your character's reaction to finding out that her mom is supposedly not her mom. Is she relieved? Happy? Scared? Upset? All we get from here is that she's stunned (of course) but being stunned wears off eventually. If this is a pivotal part in your story you should really expand your MC's reaction.

"There is no such place," muttered Lena as she took a step back, but Pandora was now a foot away from Lena.

"Here, these are for you," said Pandora as she handed the yellow flowers to Lena.

"Thanks," whispered Lena as she held on to the stems tightly.

Then this...she finds out her mother isn't her mother and she's just going to accept the flowers from the stranger "say thank you" and follow her. That's a bit shifty to me. I think you should add more dialogue between the character's so we better understand her willigness (or unwilligness) to go.