New Soul #2

Chapter 2

Lena opened her eyes slowly and found herself staring at her carpeted floor. With a suprised yelp she fell to floor.

"Ow," Lena groaned, rubbing her head. She got on all fours and and slowly stood. She was still dizzy with sleep and closed her eyes to block out the swimming images. When she was sure the dizziness subsided, she opened her eyes. She was surprised to see that it was still dark.

What time is it? Lena turned to look the clock that hung over her bed. Her blue eyes widened in surprise to see that it was only three o'clock in the morning. She groaned and let herself drop on top of her bed. She closed her eyes and tried to sleep. Unfortunately, once she had woken up, she was wide awake. Knowing it was useless trying to make herself sleep, she peeled herself off the bed and made her way towards her long mirror.

She was a petite girl and barely made it to five feet tall. Being short at age fifteen was a disadvantage to many things. Lena tried not to think about her hieght and eyed her hair. It was black; darker than black if that was possible. He hair was thick and long. Many people were amazed how her hair never became frizzy or tangled even though it was so thick.

She flinched as she studeid her eyes in the mirror. They might seem black from affar, but with closer inspection, her eyes were a dark purple. She looked away from the mirror not wanting to see herself for a long time.

<><><><><><>

Lena had somehow managed to half-sleep, on the floor. She woke again at six thirty. Without thinking that it was Saturday, she had started to get ready for school. Only when she was waiting outside for the bus did she realize her mistake. With a tired sigh, she made her way back home.

When she reached the front door, she reached out her hand to turn the handle. Suddenly, she thought of a better place to go and ran into the woods. The trees seem to fly past her in a blur as she ran deeper into the woods, towards her tree house. When the plain tree house came into view, she ran harder and faster. She quickly climbed the ladder, still panting from the run. Her head popped into the tree house. She looked around and jumped out when she did not find what she was looking for. When she turned around, she gasped as she saw a girl with hair like Lena's crouched down, her back to Lena. The girl was picking wild yellow flowers with her small pale hands.

"Hello, Lena. I was waiting for you to come back," said the girl playfully without turning around.

"Oh," was all Lena could think of to say. The girl let out a giggle.

"You must still be wondering who I am since last night," said the girl, starting to stand up, her back still facing Lena. Lena took a deep breath.

"Yes I am."

"That is wonderful you did not forget about me," whispered the girl before turning around. Lena gasped in surprise as she found herself staring at herself.

With a supised yelp she fell to floor.

You forgot the 'r' in 'surprised'.

...she peeled herself off the bed and made herself in fornt of her long mirror.

You mean 'front' not 'fornt'. And what do you mean by this? I don't understand what she's doing.

He hair was thick and long.

After the word 'he' add an 'r'. I assume that's the word you wanted.

Many people were amazed how her hair never became frizzy or tangled even though she had such thick hair.

You used the word hair too much. Change the last part to: 'or tangled even though it was so thick.'

She flinched as she eyed her eyes in the mirror.

Not a good way to say this. Just say: 'She flinched as she studied her eyes in the mirror.'

...but with closer inspection, her eyes are a dark purple.

You have to keep within the style. change the word 'are' to 'were'.

Pretty good so far. I like the ending too. The only problem I had with this was the beginning. Was that necessary at all? Anyway, It's pretty good. I still like your style and I think this will turn out interesting.

Wow, this was really good! I'm not actually sure how to crit this though. The best part was definately the last.

sorry it's such a short crit! - kittykat

I. Nit-picks

Pawprint wrote:Lena opened her eyes slowly and found herself staring at her carpeted floor. With a surprised yelp she fell to floor.

"Ow," Lena groaned, rubbing her head. She got on all fours and and slowly stood. She was still dizzy with sleep and closed her eyes to block out the swimming images. When she was sure the dizziness subsided, she opened her eyes. She was surprised to see that it was still dark.

She flinched as she studied her eyes in the mirror. They might seem black from afar, but with closer inspection, her eyes were a dark purple. She looked away from the mirror not wanting to see herself for a long time.

Um, why doesn't she want to see herself anymore?


II. Transitions!

You had problems in the transitions here. Your first need for transition was very abrupt and made it seem as if you used the beginning paragraphs (before <><>) were just there to describe your character (more on that in the next section). Then you had this:

When she reached the front door, she reached out her hand to turn the handle. Suddenly, she thought of a better place to go and ran into the woods. The trees seem to fly past her in a blur as she ran deeper into the woods, towards her tree house. When the plain tree house came into view, she ran harder and faster. She quickly climbed the ladder, still panting from the run. Her head popped into the tree house. She looked around and jumped out when she did not find what she was looking for. When she turned around, she gasped as she saw a girl with hair like Lena's crouched down, her back to Lena. The girl was picking wild yellow flowers with her small pale hands.

Once again, abrupt. Try not to make a transition using the word "suddenly" maybe have her think about the woods and decide to go to it. Not just, "Suddenly, I'm running towards the woods!"

III. Description

She was a petite girl and barely made it to five feet tall. Being short at age fifteen was a disadvantage to many things. Lena tried not to think about her hieght and eyed her hair. It was black; darker than black if that was possible. He hair was thick and long. Many people were amazed how her hair never became frizzy or tangled even though it was so thick.

First off: never, ever, ever, ever describe your character by having him/her look in the mirror. It's just so info-dumpy! We don't really need a whole paragraph about your character speculating about her appearance and her body woes.

Second off: This should be a flag to you. This is a classic symptom of a Mary-sue. Someone who constantly criticizes their body, but has people "amazed" over their appearance. Think of it this way, you're in the bathroom minding your own business and washing your hands. Don't you find it annoying when you see a beautiful girl moaning in front of the mirror, "I'm so fat, my hair's so frizzy, my acne is flaring, my hair is flat, etc. etc." You most likely don't enjoy it so don't think we as reader's enjoy reading it!

IV. Overall Impression

Overall I thought it was interesting. I didn't really no what was happening (sorry, I'm notorious for reading second chapters iwthout reading the first!)

Hiya!

staring at her carpeted floor. With a surprised yelp she fell to floor.

Two uses of the world 'floor'.

hieght

'height'

studeid

'studied'

Suddenly, she thought of a better place to go and ran into the woods.

Where are these woods? Are they really that close? Try talking about this a bit more, and take away that horrible word, 'suddenly'.

woods. The trees seemed to fly past her in a blur as she ran deeper into the woods,

Two uses of 'woods', plust the tense error.

tree house. When the plain tree house

More repetition, also, what on earth is a 'plain tree house'? Why so plain?

Lena's crouched down, her back to Lena.

More repetition, also I dislike the use of 'like Lena's hair'.

General Impressions

You definately benefit form a LOT more description, and improved transitions to go with it. Never use 'suddenly' unless it is very minor, like a sword smahing ono soone's back. Would you suddenly run off into the woods?

This didn't really capture my interest. It found the storyline quite boring and nothing really shone out. Description would set the scene a lot better, and improve the 'blandness'. Those were my thoughts, aplogies if they were too harsh.

Good luck and keep writing!

-Mark