Try and play with line breaks. Yours are way too long, which takes away from the power of the words. People have very short attention spans, so with poetry, you want to try and say it short and sweet with every line. Try using the line breaks to set apart words or phrases that are important. Sometimes, a line break can even substitute for a comma so you can ease up on all the punctuation. You can also put just one word in a line for great impact, but you have to be careful that it's an important word and deserves a line of it's own. Try and use the line breaks to help the flow, not hinder it. You have some punctuation and grammar problems, but those are easily fixed with a read-over.
I really liked the idea of the poem. It's the kind of poetry that sparks feelings in a person. Good job.
:/
Here's a line-by-line crit of this poem. Sorry if I'm too blunt at any point.
We Knew that somehow we would die, No matter what we do.
Why do you start another capitalized sentence after a comma? And why do you place so many capitals everywhere? It makes it boring for us to read.
We knew that somehow we would lose, no matter how we try.
But we didn’t know, No matter what, about the apple of America.
Because you break from the rhythm here, why don't you separate this line and form another stanza with it? It would look more appeasing.
I saw the cloud with my eyes, and no matter how I looked.
It would still haunt me, How the Power of a thousand sun[s]‘[/s]s shook.
How the apple of America fell on me.
WHY!!!! WHY?!?!? This is one of the most common poetry mistakes--you write from the victim's point of view to justify the idea that the murderer was bad. It's cliche! It's horrible! It's not sad, it's cheating.
It Spread through homes and People, My mother vanished into ash. My sister was nothing but a body as it hurtled through the air.
Air does not rhyme with ash, and it should.
It caused many deaths, But many more to be ill.
SO bad. That was the worst line of this poem. You're telling everything in this poem, and in this line especially there is nothing to make us feel for anything!
I wish they [b]didn’t (hadn't) dropped the apple of America. [/b]
^DELETE THIS LINE!!!^
etc.etc.
Basically, this is one big, fat long annoying poem. It's horrible. Sorry for the bluntness.
There is no:
imagery
metaphores
similies
emotions
etc&etc,
and thus you've managed to kill your own poem by inserting
rhyme when it was not needed
the "oh, look at me, I'm dead, feel sorry for me" mechanism
no poetry block, which makes it boring
etc&etc.
If you need help, because I can't continue on with this, just PM me. Again, sorry for the bluntness--and I hope you learned from this mistake.
Okay, Ghostwriter. If you want people to like your work, you must use good grammar--otherwise they would be turned off the moment they see your work. If I come up on a poem that has grammer mistakes, you need to fix them so more people would like to crit.
Second, "SCREW YOU!" doesn't work on this site. Here, we're human beings who are trying to help each other. And if I was a little bit too evil, does not mean you need to drop to the same level.
I am a fourteen year old too, and any grammer mistake anybody finds, I try to fix. Grammer mistakes are inexcusable.
So here's the second part of my critique:
I dislike this poem so much because it lacks any poetical achievement or fascinating poetical features that would make me want to read it.
It's also a cliche. Yeah, okay, you died because the Americans dropped a bomb on you---so what? You think coming back from the dead and complaining about it will raise my sympathy for you? Not a chance.
Your repetition also distracted me. Instead of repeating "apple of America", find some more interesting descriptions to give the bomb. Alas, your poem lacks any description whatsoever.
Hope I helped...again. Please read the poetry ruled in the forum before you say "SCREW YOU". PM me if you want to stab me or if you just need simple help.
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
