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Gadi. wrote:Joey on the Roof/Fetus

1
she lived in the deep south try 'deep in the south'
and her stomach was starting to swoon. what does this have to do with being in the south? her stomach could swoon in the arctic, too. make a connection here.

it was a long sunday afternoon cap Sunday, please.
when she recalled to her parents
how she made love to joey
in the full moon. i hope you're not doing this just for the sake of rhyme, 'cause your rhyme scheme isn't consistent, anyway. I think you need to either make it consistent, or drop the rhyme all-together.

her yellow-crusted dress
dangled, as she begged;
but she would have the child
her father said.

2
joey on the roof
watched down as she swayed
her hips curve like night after this point, your rhythm goes down the toilet.

and then, he too wept
as he saw His son why is his capitalized?
white, small. that could describe an awful lot of things. try and give me something that sets it apart from anything else.

through the trees
he watched as the infant
hanged from his mother’s sad breast. he cried

and wished he still had her. your rhythm is also badly wounded here, too, and your line breaks start going downhill in your last two lines.


This is a good poem, over-all. It could use some more figurative language, maybe, but still try and keep it simple. Try some smilies or metaphors. Over-all, good job, and hope I helped.


AV [[Ashurii]]