Pocket Protector

Pocket Protector

How my father sighs when the ink from a pen
Has bled through the pocket of his shirt
Reminds me of my heart’s silent choke
After I have taken a sip of a bitter draught of disappointment,
And a single tear escaped from my eyelids
In the mere moment of vulnerability.

If only he had a pocket protector,
His shirts could be safe; But show me
Where to find a protector for my tender heart
So that my cheeks won’t be stained with salt.

Nice... It's interesting and different. Good use of words. ^_^

I know the metaphor is a little....goofy, but I kinda meant it to be. What can I do to make this piece better?

elephantwalrus wrote:Pocket Protector

How my father sighs when the ink from a pen
Has bled through the pocket of his shirt [[period here]]
Reminds me of my heart’s silent choke
After I have taken a sip of a bitter drought of disappointment, [[period here]]
[s]And[/s] A single tear escaped [s]from[/s] my eyelids
In the mere moment of vulnerability. [[Maybe a dash here instead of a period?]]

If only he had a pocket protector [[period instead]]
His shirts could be safe; But show me
Where to find a protector for my tender heart try and find different words for that. it just doesn't sound right so close to 'pocket protector' maybe you could even just take that out completely and replace it with 'one' and assume the reader is smart enough to know you mean a protector. Also, 'tender heart' is overly used. try a different word. maybe tie it in with the ink in the pocket and talk about how your heart 'bleeds ink' but please don't say it bleeds ink. try and find something original to replace 'bleeds ink' if you use that idea.
So that my cheeks won’t be stained with salt. saying your cheeks are stained is also bordering cliche. maybe use a different word for stained.

Hope I helped you out. And if you so choose to edit, good luck. =]



EDIT:
I do so like the metaphor, actually. Just thought I'd add that in as an after thought. XD

That was very nice. The connection between the character's heart and her fathers stained shirt was really a good choice.

What would make it even better is if you could elaborate on what caused her to be like the stained shirt. Obviously the bleeding pen has caused the shirt to be stained, but what is causing her to cry?

I am assuming it is a she.

Yes i like the metaphor! It was rather cute and funny. Good use of words and description. I liked the feel and mood of this poem. And i can see what AVilicious666 means by Pocket protector not being a great term I would agree with her but it fits in with the mood of this poem so well. Pocket protector, is silly, funny but cute. Same as the poem. So I say you keep the 'pocket protector" But that's just my opinion. It's really up to you.
The poem is rather vague but I like the vagueness.
& there was another thing I wanted to point out....

Oh yes, i just totally adored the last line. It doesn't seem cliche to me
So that my cheeks won’t be stained with salt.

But yes 'tender heart' is rather overused.

-icy,

The lack of punctuation seems really odd. I don't know how to punctuate, so you'll have to figure that out, but yay?

How my father sighs when the ink from a pen
Has bled through the pocket of his shirt
Reminds me of my heart’s silent choke
After I have taken a sip of a bitter draught of disappointment, <--- Too many adjectives!
And a single tear escaped from my eyelids <--- Make it "escapes my eyelids." Less wordy, better!
In the mere moment of vulnerability. <--- I hate this line. It's very tell-y and doesn't show anything

If only he had a pocket protector,
His shirts could be safe; But show me
Where to find a protector for my tender heart <--- Tender is for meat, not hearts. Lose the adjective.
So that my cheeks won’t be stained with salt. <--- Maybe "So that salt does not stain my cheeks"?

Anyway! As you can tell, I don't really like adjectives. But still! Not bad. In fact, it was good enough for me to be a little grumpy. I really like the comparison. Just don't clutter up the poem!

Oh I really like it. I really liked how you were able to tie in a metaphor that way as others have said. It's a strange metaphor, but I suppose it's just something that sparks a memory that happens in all of us.
I likeds how you were going with this person's feelings. You know the great sadness that is felt, but I think it can be portrayed better. Whenever I read something, I always like to feel the emotions that the author's portray and I can feel it, but I want to feel it better if that makes sense.
But I do think it's a good idea how you left the reader to know what had caused the pain. It keeps the reader guessing with endless thoughts.

I like this one! It was light and funny, and it made me giggle.

Reminds me of my heart’s silent choke
After I have taken a sip of a bitter draught of disappointment,

This part was beautifully written. Great job!

Jesusfreak

elephantwalrus,


Ignoring the at times stilted rhyme scheme and moderately clichéd concept, you seem to have transcended a host of other new poets here and employed the use of an extended metaphor. The next step consists in ridding your poem of almost all direct references to your heart--your heart, by the way, is not a physical, corporeal embodiment of your emotions. Try using something other than "heart" to describe them.

I think this is worth another hour or so of consideration and revision, on your part, but then I'd move on to something else. Try flexing your muscles and breaking away from your navel for a bit.

A decent attempt that, among the rest of what's here of late, shines out.


Best,
Brad