The Wall of Light (working title)

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All-righty! Yay for Seraphim for posting his first story. *applauds politely*

Now let's get down to business here, shall we? *clears throat in an unsuccessful attempt to be professional*

I like the whole idea of this. The prologue (I believe that's what it was?) was a little bit confusing for me the first time I read it, but after rereading it, it made more sense. Maybe you could add some more details to that? I understand you probably didn't want to be too specific and wordy in the prologue, to keep it more mysterious and legend-like, but it was a bit confuzzling at times.

You created a nice feeling of tension in the first part of chapter 1. However, I felt that the demon situation, though it was frightening, was a bit cliche, with the demon's actions and words. (You also changed from past-tense to present-tense for a second there in the third sentence of the chapter )

There were also a few grammatical errors throughout the whole thing, such as commas and such, but as I am a lazy individual who hates grammar, and since they weren't too terribly obvious, I will let them go.

PM me when you post the second chapter. I want to know what happens next!

~Keira

this story was not to bad. a few things i would have changed, but nothing wrth mentioning, so ggod job and keep up the good work

I thought it was a bit short, but that's not really important...

The scene was great, but perhaps a bit more description through the five senses would lift the terror the mother was feeling to even higher levels.

Hey Seraphium, sorry it's taken me so long......school and Easter and critiquing don't mix.

OK, here we go:

They’re creators respecting their whishes created a world very similar to ours away from the never ending battle between the angels’ and demons’ predecessors.

They're should be their and whishes should be wishes.

She hears the horrible scream and terror, pain, and delight which only quickened her pace.

Change in tense and this doesn't really make sense.

They say no words can describe a mother’s tears so I shan’t dare attempt to describe those of the boy’s mother.

Makes it seem like you couldn't be bothered to describe it rather than a dramatic end.

To Improve:
- Spelling and grammar. You really need to check out your spelling and grammar using at least a word processor or the one that is on YWS. Another thing is you could ask someone older at home to help read through your work for any errors.
- Some of your sentences don't make sense. You have a habit of missing words out of your sentences. For example:

Then something happened which no one really has an answer

Humans though no power of their own when they died they could either turn into an angel or demon depending on whether their souls were pure or tainted.

The temple its colossal nothing could harm them there.

None of the above make sense. Try reading over a sentence once you have written it down to check that it is understandable.
- Lack of description. You need to let the reader see what you can see in your mind. Remember that you are creating every detail of your story so it's up to you to let us in.
- Spacing. Break it up please!

All the best and if you would like another crit just pm me!

Alainna
xx

Need spacing. Really, really, need spacing. I also think that you should just cut that entire chunk of paragraph before the story begins.

It's a good idea, it just needs to be developed more. I think that it is too short for a chapter.

I'm sorry to anyone eho has read this but I am kicking the idea.
But I have a better one that I am working on so don't worry.