Play House [Part #01]

Play House

I. Le Petit Enfant Scientifique
[pre]
my little scientist on the floor,
building blocks of color, something
like Tetris;

or, pricking the center of june-
bugs and beetles: green
like a break in the bone; black
like scales shed by elaphe obsoleta.
[/pre]

Caligula's Launderette wrote:Play House

I. Le Petit Enfant Scientifique
[pre]
my little scientist on the floor,
building blocks of color, something you need a comma here
like Tetris, get rid of the comma exchange for a period.

or, pricking the center of june- don't put a space in between here.
bugs and beetles, green you need "and" and a period
like a break in the bone, black period here
like scales shed by elaphe obsoleta.
[/pre]

Wow Bravo I must say but you have some tiny problems i would like to help fix..
Well I made all the comments that were needed have a good day.

Be well.

SimonCowellLuver

Um... i don't really get your poem if it is one.
It doesn't make sense to me, the... everything.
It was also very short, not very good for you.
Maybe you should work on it, okay?
shanan-cat!

Thank you, SimonCowellLuver, for your review. I have changed some things around, a bit. I am playing around with leaving in or leaving out "something / like Tetris;".

Ta,
Cal.


shanan-cat,

I would appreciate if at least you used proper grammar in your response. I would also say, for future reference, just because you don't understand something doesn't mean it isn't good, and just because it is short doesn't mean it's a poem. I appreciate you telling me that you didn't understand it, but the rest of what you said is superfluous/not needed. If you have any real constructive criticism, I'd appreciate it. I'd also really like to know why you think it isn't a poem. Is it because of the length, or what? Or is it because it doesn't rhyme?

Ta,
Cal.

[Part #01]

Ooh! That means there'll be more, right? I like the title of "Play House"; I'm really excited to see what you do with it.

At first, I thought it was going to be more about the child himself, but then I realized that it was more from a mother's perspective. It was so completely not what I expected (from a perspectives standpoint). But that's a good thing!

my little scientist on the floor,
building blocks of color, something
like Tetris;

There's something about the "something like Tetris" here that sounds off. It creates awkward pauses around it as well as in and of itself.

or, pricking the center of june-
bugs and beetles: green
like a break in the bone; black
like scales shed by elaphe obsoleta.

I liked the rhythm in this part; it flowed nicely.

I liked this, I didn't get it until Leja said that it was cool from the mothers perspective. Then I reread it, and I got it! *happy* I think its unique and creative, I haven't seen one from a mothers perspective, its really cool. I will read more, beccuase it said it was part 1.

[pre]Play House

I. Le Petit Enfant Scientifique

my little scientist on the floor,
building blocks of color, something
like Tetris;

or, pricking the center of june-
bugs and beetles: green
like a break in the bone; black
like scales shed by elaphe obsoleta.[/pre]

I don't really understand what the French is for--to sound more intellectual, or perhaps only to demonstrate your French abilities? The congnites (is that how you say it?) help in understanding the French, but I don't really think it's necessary: just "The Petite Infant Scientist" could work. Unless you are going to elaborate with it.

The flow was nice, and the description of the bugs, and the building blocks, and the "little scientist". The parallelsim in this poem was very evident, especially in the last stanza.

What I didn't like, though, is that it seems empty, only a description. You could feel some kind of love, but this poem almost feels like it needs a particular message, or theme, or some bone structure to help it.

Overall, it was entertaining and very intelligent. I would suggest to add something that can make us feel emotion.

Hope I helped!

I didn't understand much of it, but I loved it nonetheless. It cought my attention, and I do not know whether it is symbolic, but wither way I really liked it. Some minor mistakes have een pointed out already, but aside frm that I just thought it was great.

I can't elaborate much I am afraid, but...

Keep writing!

~Mark~

Cal, you know how much I love your poetry. I think the reason it took me so long to get here is because I can never think of anything to say. You're always wonderful.

I. Le Petit Enfant Scientifique

Actually, I like the French. Maybe it's because I'm a French student, but it gives the poem a certain feel that "The Little Science Child" couldn't. Makes me think of Pascal, Jules Verne, and all the other French scientists that come up in Chemistry class. I mean, it is Le Système International d'Unités, oui?

my little scientist on the floor,
building blocks of color, something
like Tetris;

I love how completely simple this is. The lack of capitalization makes it feel small, comfortable. The relation between the blocks and Tetris is real wonderful, because it gives the blocks more life. It's not just a child playing with blocks, he's playing a game. I think the speaker interests me more than anything--how is she related to the little scientist? it begs. But then, I'm completely satisfied just listening, and never knowing.

or, pricking the center of june-
bugs and beetles: green
like a break in the bone; black
like scales shed by elaphe obsoleta.

I love how the structure of this flowed out of the end of the previous stanza. I also love how the theme of dissection comes up in this stanza. The letter B is lovely here, and the how the last two lines start with "like"--it's a beautiful parallelism that doesn't crash. The scientific naming only helps out the general theme. The colors paint a bright picture, and though I am not sure why a break in a bone is green, I'm happy to believe that it is such. More than anything, it makes me think of an infection from a broken bone. Of course, your poetry need not be a solid, stead fast meaning. This is fun, because I can make up my own ideas about what it is. The break up of the word junebug is lovely, and the sounds made with "bugs and beetles" tickles the inside of my mouth, if I may say it in such a way. I already mentioned how I like the letter B, but I can repeat it! With the next line "break in the bone" that B sound pops up one-two again, and then finally with "black"--it's wonderful though I can't explain why.


As always, I look forward to the rest of it, and I hope you enjoyed my rambles, even though they were not critiques in the least.