Moral Devour - My first poem

My first poem! Please tell me what you think, I know it is cliche, but I don't really care at the moment. I just wanted to see if I was any good. Tell me what you think! I might use it in my novel... maybe. It is pretty obvious that I have personified something, or is it?

Moral Devour

My eyes peel back
And I stare out yonder.
My sword twitches.
I see no tomorrow,
Just an end to embrace.

You stand by my grave,
You beckon me,
But I stay.
You eager my blade to fail,
You wait for my end to come.

Earnestly you stand,
Hand outstretched.
I see your hunger
For a moral devour,
But I will live.

To a dark pit you gesture,
To a waking end you call.
If I fall or if I die,
You will get your moral devour.

Death is a concept,
It is a choice,
My choice,
And I will live.

Oooooh, I love it! Actually, I think it's rather difficult to guess what it is you're personifying here--is it a scabbard? <=/ Hmm....

Well, anyway, there wasn't much wrong that I could see. However I think the punctuation in the last stanza needs a little tweaking--maybe some dashes and a semi-colon instead of all commas.

Death is a concept;
It is a choice--
My choice--
And I will live.

But I'm not much of a poetry person, so I guess we'll just have to wait and see what some other people say.

Good job!
~Gladius

Oh thanks! I was personifying death, graves and that... Thank you though!

As your first serious poem I must say it was good. I didn't find any grammatical errors and it flowed quite nicely.

You should write more poems like this!

--kittykat--

My eyes peel back
And I stare out yonder.
My sword twitches.
I see no tomorrow,
Just an end to embrace. - Suspenseful

You stand by my grave,
You beckon me,
But I stay.
You eager my blade to fail,
You wait for my end to come.

Earnestly you stand,
Hand outstretched.
I see your hunger
For a moral devour,
But I will live.

To a dark pit you gesture,
To a waking end you call.
If I fall or if I die,
You will get your moral devour.

Death is a concept,
It is a choice,
My choice,
And I will live.

Wow. That was a really powerful poem.
I just want to go up to the dude that wanted you to die.
March up to him, spit in his face and scream "HA!" Step on his foot, dust some sand into his eyes and leave. I would enjoy that so much. It's now my life's dream.
This poem, despite the lack of adjetives (which would make the poem to wordy. its absoloutely perfect the way it is) there was a very clear visualization going on in the readers mind. And that's hard to do!
KEEP WRITNG!

Thanks very much everyone! That's really great if you like it!

It was really good, especially for your first poem. I loved the ending



Death is a concept,
It is a choice,
My choice,
And I will live.

very passionate.

Oh! I liked this. I think you did really well for your first poem! You could definetly coudl feel the power and passion behind your words!

Great Job!

Thank you very much!

I am proud of myself now

Look especially at the first stanza. It seems like a string of lines, loosly connected, rather than a unified image.

The "you" in the second stanza is a little jarring, and I feel like it's addressing a specific person, and can't much relate to anyone else. I don't know why this person is there, beside the narrator's grave, or why they're waiting. I can guess, of course, but I still feel like I'm missing out on some inside joke.

Death is a concept,
It is a choice,
My choice,
And I will live.

Try to integrate this into the rest of the poem, rather than having a summary of the 'message' all at the very end. Because otherwise, why would we read the rest of the poem? Then again, what I see you personifying and what you claim to be personifying seem to be two different things, so you might want to take another look at that too.

Well, you have a start, now just look closely at it and clean it up!

My eyes peel back (peel is odd...but ok)
And I stare out yonder. (yonder is old and defunct...so old times)
My sword twitches. (....magically?)
I see no tomorrow,
Just an end to embrace.

You stand by my grave,
You beckon me,
But I stay.
You eager my blade to fail, (You eager...this is weird)
You wait for my end to come.

Earnestly you stand,
Hand outstretched.
I see your hunger
For a moral devour, (moral devour...that is awkward and really doesn't work)
But I will live.

To a dark pit you gesture,
To a waking end you call.
If I fall or if I die,
You will get your moral devour. (again see above)

Death is a concept,
It is a choice,
My choice,
And I will live.

Most of it is fine, but some little bits I pointed out are awkward and the title is fine for a title, but in poetry it just doesn't flow.

I agree with Kenpachi.
I read it and it didn't flow for me at all.
Sudden stops, awkward words is what made it not flow well.

Just an end to embrace.
(This part really threw me off, it stopped the flow for the whole rest of the poem)

Overall it just confused me, a lot. I didn't like it.

Thank you for the reviews everyone!

Mortality >> I would be more grateful if you could expand onto why you didn't like it, as it stands it isn't ver helpful.

Thank you!

I missed the thought you were going for, but i liked it none the less. What were you going for? Some dead guy speaking to his son/friend near his grave? Sorry it's not a great post, needed a couple extra points to post the next part of my book, which i would LOVE if you decided to read. It's a science fiction called Sector 33 but you can find it posted as both Strangers in the Fog and a Girl Named Revelation (chapter names.)

Thanks, Runawaythoughts. You might nto want to tell people that, but I will give your piece a look.