A city dies

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A powerfully built woman strode into the warehouse, preceded by a peculiar little man of verminous appearance. Once she was inside, the woman instinctively knew something was peculiar. Quicker than might have been expected, she grabbed the man in front of her, whipped a dagger from its sheath at her flank, and held it to his neck.

“What passes Jerome? This is clearly not the high-end meeting I was promised. Think you to lead me into an ambush?” She gripped the dagger with a fury so intense that it drew blood from the man’s neck unintentionally. Alyssa was pleased to see the whites of the man’s eyes. She might not trust him, but she could deal on even terms with his terror.

“Nay Lady Alyssa,” he replied, in that obsequious tone found so irritating by the self-reliant; Alyssa ground her teeth. The man continued, “My mistress is a secretive woman, and the matter she would treat with you over is most precious to her heart.”

Alyssa released the man, “Then call your mistress, I will not wait here for you to set off an ambush.” She spoke as though such a thing instilled no fear in her. She did, however, keep her blade in hand.

Jerome scuttled into the centre of the warehouse, and for a moment Alyssa was concerned that he might be searching for hidden allies. But no, he stopped, and knelt in a large, clear section of the warehouse.

“Mistress I call to you. I have found the one you seek. She is strong and powerful, possessing no lack that you might fear. She is well-connected amongst the city and widely respected. Her abilities are more than we could have hoped and she possesses potential that even she has not realised. This one even holds the most delicious of weaknesses. She is perfect. Mistress, I call to you, that this lowly servant might fulfil his pledge.”

Alyssa realised something was wrong, deathly wrong. He spoke as if this woman he had brought were not the ally Jerome had said she would be, but rather some kind of morsel, or a slave at market. She backed toward the door of the warehouse, seeing the knuckles clutching her dagger go white with the force of her grip. “What is this Jerome? This is not what I was promised!”

The man looked up at her, false sorrow lighting his eyes, “Nay lady Alyssa, it is not what you were promised.” A sneer fought past the doleful expression, “but there are layers of loyalty here, and yours is preceded by two others.” He flicked two fingers in a dismissive gesture and turned away from her.

Alyssa broke and ran, tugging at the door of the warehouse, a door that should not, could not, have been locked. She had been standing beside it since she had entered this warehouse, and never had Alyssa heard the latch click. Unbelievably, the door was completely immovable. She turned from the door, thinking to size up her chances against whatever henchmen Jerome and his mistress might call upon.

There was nothing; the pathetic little man sat hunched on the cold floor of the warehouse. Alone except for the crates surrounding him and the shadows enveloping him.

"Sssibilusss?"

The voice chilled Alyssa’s blood in her veins. Though it came from the direction of Jerome’s hunched form, it seemed far stronger than any sound the little man could make. Around him, the shadows seemed to coalesce with the vivacity of the voice’s tone. The torches bracketed to the walls flickered and waned in response to a brush of wind, causing the shadows to leap all the more.

Alyssa ran, seeking to put as much distance between herself and Jerome’s shadows.

"Sssibilusss, you have found her?"

“Yes mistress, I have. Come that we might end this debt between us.” His grubby little cloak seemed to ripple,as though caught by the same wind that smothered the flames. His features elongated and his clothes took on a sheen and a strength.

"Yesss"The word carried far more than an echo of Jerome’s sentiment.

Alyssa ran with a blind terror through the labyrrinthine collection of cargo crates. Around and above her, shadows and flame danced in synchronicity, flowing back and forth. The wooden crates around her undulated and her very perceptions of the world began to seem untrustworthy; the dark world swirled and creaked, moaned and rippled.

A skeletal face peered out from a broken crate, grinning at her with a macabre smile. She stopped her flight, too horrified now to even follow such a basic instinct, and stared as it danced into view, sitting atop an impossible body of mere bones. Behind it loomed brothers in kind, skeletal figures held together by nothing more than a dark will. Above Alyssa the shadows carressed and harrassed the light, driving it ever down and out of her sight.

The bodies shambled toward her and Alyssa heard the sounds that their emergence was being echoed across the giant warehouse. Three of the things walked to an as-yet-untouched crate and began to dig into it with their bony fingers, wearing at it with dead fingers.

"Sssstop", so much less a whisper than a command.

Against a will and the instinctive self-preservation so often confused with true cowardice she stayed put and turned toward the voice. The figure she met was as herself but garbed in shadow itself, bearing no hue but darkest black. Eyes empty of emotion bored into her own, hypnotising, consuming. Her shadow encrouched upon her, extending a hand in a simulacrum of greeting.

Behind it, almost out of sight stood a tall figure clothed in a vibrant flanged plate, and wearing a red-rimmed cloak which stood out markedly against the dark room.

The shadows tattered the flames as a candle would a moth, consuming it entirely.

A powerfully built woman stood upon the warehouse roof, watching her city burn. Through its streets roamed the dead, bidding the living to join them. They recruited with blades, invited with stinging arrows. Already their ranks were swollen thick. The city burned and Alyssa smiled through cherubric lips. But the smile never reached those cold, dead eyes.
So you're going to kill a god. Sure. But what happens next?

Diary of a Deicide, Part One.


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Good job, it was very descriptive.

Just a few things though:

A powerfully built woman strode into the warehouse,


This opening line would be much stronger if you explain why she is powerfully built; does she have broad shoulders, is she tall, is she stocky?


preceded by a peculiar little man of verminous appearance. Once she was inside, the woman instinctively knew something was peculiar.


This might just be me, but I don't really like it when in writing a word is repeated, such as peculiar. My suggestion is that you change the second peculiar to "something was off" (or anything else)


Alyssa realised something was wrong, deathly wrong.


Perhaps deadly or terribly, deathly sounds strange in this sentence.


Other than that, great job! Very good, although very eerie at the same time.
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from its sheath at her flank

flank is a very horsey word to use, I would use something like calf or thigh

What passes Jerome? This is clearly not the high-end meeting I was promised. Think you to lead me into an ambush?”

I liked that line; it immediately gave something unique to that character. be sure to keep up her personal way of talking
oh, never mind, she gets possesed...

I agree with what OnCeUpOnAtIm3X said about 'deadly' as opposed to 'deathly'

you had some really good phrasing, especiall with how the characters spoke

I really like it!
Just never ever forget to live ok? Never ever forget to be happy when things maybe aren't the greatest. Yeah, that's right- because every moment is making you who you will be and is really worth it in the end. So just....live.




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Dialog seems completely out of place for the setting. It just really doesn't fit in, much of your prose just does not fit, making it all seem horribly out of place and downright awkward. Not even Chaucer confused me as much as your prose does.




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Hiya! Mind if I take a peek? I thought not...

I disagree with Artecila, I thought the idablogue was very well done. It flowed nicely and I think your style is very unique. It fits in quite well and I see no obvious prolbmes there. Of course, I will say to you what I do to others:

Adjectives aren't the key to success.

peculiar little man


For example.
I would explain why this guy is strange. Something about his clothes? Or what?

Overall though, this story appealed to me. I liked it, and jsut those little errors you could change for me...

Keep writing!

~D'Aedomir~
We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue

Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human.




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I didn't really get some parts. Your descriptions and the point of the story was great. But I didnt really get the begging and th ending.

Try to make it more understandable. Good Luck
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Hello there! =) I imagine that this would make more sense when seen in the context of the rest of the story but i enjoyed it none the less. I like your style but okay -

peculiar....repetition is no fun when the word is an unusual one like this. It looses its effect.

"Layers of Loyalty" - that line was FANTASTIC - just wondering is that the title of your book/chapter. If not consider it at least as a title for your chapter.

Also... this may just be me but I am not a fan of the onomatopoeia "sssss" stuff. In my opinion it might be best to simply describe the tone of voice being used, but then I guess it does add something description does not.

Bones held together by nothing more than dark will - also a cool line. But considering the fact I am going through a necromancer stage, I may be biased =P

I'd like to read the rest of the story to see where this fits in and to know a bit more about the kind of woman Alyssa is. Does she had a soft side? With a name like Alyssa, she sounds like she would.

Is there any more of this anywhere???
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Thanks SaraAnne and everyone else who reviewed this work!

At the moment I'm considering it to be an epilogue for Exiles, though it could find itself being a prologue for the sequel...I'm still in the structuring stages.

Thanks for everyone who pointed out areas where being more specific would be better, or where I had repeated myself (a personal flaw), or where I got too convoluted.

If anyone's interested in seeing the forerunners for this scene, I've posted a few scenes of Exiles up, but it's far less macabre, and with the stock and standard character development a beginning requires. Regrettabely (SaraAnne) there is also far less necromancy (though still a bit).

If there's a revived interest in it I'll post some more of Exiles, but if not I don't see the point in clogging up the site with unread sequels.'


Edit: for interested parties, Exiles begins at : topic23935.html
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So you're going to kill a god. Sure. But what happens next?

Diary of a Deicide, Part One.


Got YWS?



There is no quiet. There is only Doc McStuffins.
— Ron Swanson