Oh God... this has got to be the best thing I've read on YWS for a while, and it's definitely the best thing by you I've seen. It's so innocent and sad and it's totally understating their relationship because it's focusing on something completely trivial, but by focusing on something that trivial, that seems to give it more of a depth because that's what we notice of the people we love. And yes, that was totally a run-on sentence, but still. This is beautiful.
I might come back and offer a more cohesive comment. XD
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
My only niggle with your revised edition is the "because" in S3 L2. It's not horrible or anything, but the flow of the rest of the poem is so good that it deserves fixing up. I'd suggest something with one syllable going there, suich as "as" or even "but", though I'm sure you can find something suited to yourself
Otherwise, what a truly lovely poem! It's always a joy to read something beautiful and well-constructed. I really hope we'll see more great things from you!
I reckon an 'I' should go after 'yet'. It doesn't make sense as it stands.
I loed that poem... wow. The last verse was great, but I am not sure if it fits there. Either way, I'm loving this poem!
Great piece of work and although (shock!) I haven't read anything other of yours, I don't think, this was a gret poem! I love the style and I hope to see more! Also, the title is cool too
Great poem. Using writing as a metaphore for love was a nice touch. My favorite part was the end, the end of the relationship symbolized in forgetting which hand they wrote with.
"...I have conclusively determined that you are not Hamlet, Scout Finch, Frankenstine's monster, Ms. Marple, or a golum. Aren't you relieved to know you're not a golum?"~Dustin Hoffman
The specific line where I really felt the emotion, or more simply my favorite line, is
like the slow
and delicate samba as the ink sinks
because it is a great imagery, first of all, and second, it is a perfect way to describe a shortfalling in a way of a good-falling, or whatever. Confusing, eh?
Anyhow... good poem. I think Incadescene really helped shape your poem. Awesome.
This is really great, penguin. I loved the simplicity and the power which it holds. It flows beautifully. I especially love the second and last stanzas.
"Just like moons and like suns, With the certainty of tides, Just like hopes springing high, Still I'll rise." -Maya Angelou
that was such a beautiful and exquisite poem. I just loved the way it flowed off the lines, it had intersting and suprising breaks of the lines but yet made sense. The delicacy and subtlety was also very good,
But then I forget whether you were right handed or left.
I can relate to the last stanza of the idea of watching something so long that I simply forgot what I was I was originally looking for. Well done
Some people are hourglass shaped, some people are apple shaped, some people are pear shaped, some people are even bean pole shaped, but if we’re not careful we all become banana shaped. This is your gentle posture reminder. — Ranger
