Trying Not to Blink

Standing on the corner
Always looking in.
Standing there, I fought to wonder
What do I see in him?
An epic battle rages inside of me
A battlefield I’ll be left to see.
A drop of tar falls from my face
Staring down the roads of this empty place.
Asphalt flat beneath my feet
Much too steady after my recent defeat.
I slink down and touch the warm blacktop
And follow the curves of the a tar-filled crack.
How I wish in vain life was so simple to patch...
It never is.
The sky above is still blue
Though it seems impossible.
How can everyone’s life go on?
When I stand here in utter and complete ruin
Feeling like a once cherished building....reduced to rubble
And it seems everything in my life causes trouble.
All my choices
All my decisions seem to have their own destructive voices.
Crying out against my humility
Reducing me to shame.
But the world is not to blame.
My world here, with the asphalt ribbons all around
A sea of ruined buildings in which you drown.
And those street corners that make you think.
Staring into the sun trying not to blink.
But I do,
And life goes on.

Reading your poems is like I'm put in a romance novel (not a sappy one). It almost like a religous experience. You have serious talent. Keep on writing. Again seperate your thoughts into stanzas. I love the emotion

AE

First off, let me say Welcome to the Young Writer's Society. Just so you know, we ask that every member review at least two pieces before posting one.

Now, onto the poem. I enjoyed the metaphor of the building. However, your rhyme scheme detracted from it. There was no rhythm. It seemed like you were contorting line lengths just to get a rhyme, especially here:

All my choices
All my decisions seem to have their own destructive voices.

Forget about rhyming. First, build on your imagery of the asphalt and the building, because that's good stuff. Then break the lines so that it flows when you read it out loud.

This has potential, but you don't need to worry about the rhyme. Keep writing!

rustystar wrote:Standing on the corner
Always looking in.

Looking in to what? Develop this more here.

Standing there, I fought to wonder
What do I see in him?

I tend to say that rhetorical questions don't do very well in poetry unless you're going to answer them, and I don't feel as if you've answered this. It leaves me thinking - Well, aren't you supposed to tell me?

An epic battle rages inside of me

Epic battles inside are kind of cliche unless you can make it more original. Maybe try and blend this into your road image, because that, is completely bomb.

A battlefield I’ll be left to see.

Again, try and inch this into your road image. It will help tie everything together more.

A drop of tar falls from my face

'Drop of tar' is amazing, but 'falls from my face' is going back to that 'omg omg omg look at me I'm crying in poetry.' Try and spruce up your words. I don't think tar actually 'falls.' Tar actually seems like it would stick to your face. Something like... 'A drop of tar sticks to my face' would go better with the characteristics of tar. See what I mean?

Staring down the roads of this empty place.
Asphalt flat beneath my feet
Much too steady after my recent defeat.

I don't like your constant incomplete sentences. These couple lines are a good example of the brokenishness it causes. Having so many incomplete sentences makes it feel disjointed and doesn't flow as well.

I slink down and touch the warm blacktop
And follow the curves of the a tar-filled crack.

Of 'the' crack or 'a' crack? Sounds like you couldn't make up your mind. I'd go with 'a' because saying 'the' would make it seem like I'm supposed to have heard of this crack before now.

How I wish in vain life was so simple to patch...
It never is.

Connect this to the crack more. Talk about the crack being patched in places or something.

The sky above is still blue
Though it seems impossible.
How can everyone’s life go on?

your question mark should NOT go here.

When I stand here in utter and complete ruin
Feeling like a once cherished building....reduced to rubble
And it seems everything in my life causes trouble.

It should go after trouble, but that's a really long sentence, so you might want to think about making it two, only, use correct punctuation next time?

All my choices
All my decisions seem to have their own destructive voices.
Crying out against my humility
Reducing me to shame.
But the world is not to blame.
My world here, with the asphalt ribbons all around
A sea of ruined buildings in which you drown.
And those street corners that make you think.
Staring into the sun trying not to blink.
But I do,
And life goes on.

You have mutilated your line breaks for the sake of rhyme. You have also mutilated the flow by mutilating the line breaks. Rhyme is something that only works if it flows, otherwise it does more damage than helping. I think you should honestly scrap the rhyme unless you find a meter to go with what you have, but this is the kind of poem that will do so much better without the rhyme.