Lily of My Heart Part 2

I know I said I'd wait but I need to get this out of my system.


Lily of my Heart
Part 2: An Undying love

Black umbrellas caressed the air as Daniel was lowered into the ground. The rain that hadn't fallen in weeks, poured down heavily. It was as if God felt my pain. I could feel the mascara I had caked on my face streaming down my cheeks. I could feel my heart beating out of control. I was suffering from a heartbreak that could not be mended.

Why did he have to kill himself? I thought that he loved me, at least that's what he said. He said that he always would love me. Even when his heart stopped beating...

Suddenly a pain that I never thought I'd feel, struck my heart. It was a pain so strong that it filled my soul. A pain so real that it took over my mind.
This was my fault.
I had let my mind contaminate my heart with the deadliest poison, doubt. I doubted that someone like Daniel could ever have feelings for me. Realizing that now, made the regret I harbored in my soul, come to surface.
No I'm not guilty of anything. He decided to end his life. I didn't have anything to do with it. I shouldn't regret not reading this letter soon. He should have known that I would be having doubts. He should have been smart enough to know that a girl doesn't automatically open a note that comes from a guy who treats her as if she didn't exist.

As I tried to relieve the pain with positive thoughts, negativity began to poison my soul. I wanted to believe that I had nothing to do with Daniel's death but deep down, in some anonymous way, I did. It's like I shot him, after the world stabbed him a million times. I was an accessory to murder. The only time I'd do, is the time I'd spend thinking of how we could have been together at this very moment. He had me booked in his heart. I was a prisoner to his undying love. My crime was doubt, and the sentence was a lifetime of regret. Daniel was my helpless victim.

I looked around at the faces of Daniel's friends and family. Dark shadows fell over their faces and sorrow fell from their eyes. They were all victims of Daniel's demise.
Was he just as guilty as I was or was he in this boat all by himself? Did he realize what killing himself would do to his loved ones?

Now that I knew of his true feelings, I wonder why he decided to end his life. I wonder why he didn't give me a chance to ask questions, to kiss him, before he ended his life.
He committed a crime and he decided his punishment.
What was the crime? Was loving me the ultimate illegality? If so, then why would he go through with declaring his love for me? Was love his excuse for killing himself? I guess I'll never know.

I looked down at the black casket, that sat in the 6 foot deep hole. I watched as dirt was scooped on top. He was really gone. I would never see his angel face again. Ironically I would rather have him ignore me then this. I would rather want him to really treat me as if I were invisible then this.

My car was the last car to leave the cemetery. I just wanted to say something to Daniel even if he could not hear me. I wanted to release some of the pain that I carried in my heart. Even if I wasn't sure who to blame for his death, I knew that we both shared the boat.

I wanted to spill my thoughts and feelings onto his grave but I couldn't bring myself to do that. So I simply said "I'm sorry" and walked away. The pain still lye in my soul and my heart still ached. I had said something so true and so real but it wasn't right.

Before I could cause myself anymore pain, I got in my car and drove away. Leaving my victim to rest in peace, while I lived in hell.
***

That night as I lay in my bed, tears just kept falling from my eyes. I opened the drawer to my nightstand and pulled out the note and read it over and over again. The last part of the last sentence caught my attention. He had called me the lily of his heart.

The tears came more heavily now. I knew what I meant to Daniel. I knew that his love died with him.
I didn't even get a chance to tell him that I loved him or that I liked him. I could have told him I loved him when I knelt beside his grave but that wouldn't have been enough. I wanted to hear him say it back. Sure he wrote me a letter declaring his love but I wanted to hear it from his heart.
As I cried, I became tired. Soon I drifted off into the darkness....

Angel of Death wrote:Black umbrellas caressed the air as Daniel was lowered into the ground. The rain that hadn't fallen in weeks, poured down heavily. It was as if God felt my pain. I could feel the mascara I had caked on my face streaming down my cheeks. I was suffering from heartbreak.

Few grammatical errors here...

There was no slamming of the front door. No loud argument or stupid mind games were being played. In fact, there was no communication physically or verbally whatsoever. Daniel and I wasted our time together. We didn't say a word to each other because we were afraid of what the other would think.

This doesn't make much sense. It's too vague is she having a reverie about how the relationship could have ended with them actually getting into a fight and not because they didn't talk? Clarify.

We were victims of misfortune. Cupid's arrow hit both of us but our hearts were protected by a magic so strong that it was hard to penetrate. Fear.
We feared what other people would think about us.
I mostly feared that if I had told Daniel how I felt, he'd laugh at me. He'd humiliate me.

Other than that the word "fear" is misplaced. I know it's correlating with the past thoughts but it sticks out like a sore thumb. You need to incorporate it with the rest.

I was an average girl, with average looks. Sure my grandparents said I was beautiful but the mirror doesn't lie. My dull brown eyes were ugly compared to his beautiful baby blues. My pale skin was deadly compared to his soft caramel tone. My blond hair was plain compared to his shiny black locks.
He was a Greek god, and I was just average.

I don't really like this especially how it parallels with the fact that boys called her "hot" this is a mary-sue tendency. Also it seems the MC is having a Bella Swan moment.

When people who knew and loved Daniel crowded around them, they ignored them. I watched as they got in their blue pick up and drove away.
They didn't care about Daniel.
They were probably happy that he was gone.

That's a very cruel assumption.

Hmm...this is better, but you lack transition in any way. You just thrust the character into a setting, have her think about things, and then thrust her into another..You need to clarify some sort of transition between things. Also, I don't feel her emotions as real...they just seem false and forced at least to me. You should really think hard about how it feels to lose someone the pain someone feels when that person is ripped from them and translate it to the story. It can be difficult but I'm sure you can get it.

OMG!!! Daniel died! That's horrible! And so sad! I was hoping that she'd stop him or something, but this is really interesting. Your first sentence really sets the scene.

First I'll start with the good stuff. This is well written, again you've used a good varience of short and long sentences, keep the pace up but still using the long descriptions needed to keep the reader interested.

Quote:
When people who knew and loved Daniel crowded around them, they ignored them. I watched as they got in their blue pick up and drove away.
They didn't care about Daniel.
They were probably happy that he was gone.


That's a very cruel assumption.

I disagree with Periwinkle here, i think that it is appropriate for someone who is mourning, their mind is trying to find reasons, so they jump to conclusions about everyone. Believe me, I know.

Quote:
We were victims of misfortune. Cupid's arrow hit both of us but our hearts were protected by a magic so strong that it was hard to penetrate. Fear.
We feared what other people would think about us.
I mostly feared that if I had told Daniel how I felt, he'd laugh at me. He'd humiliate me.


Other than that the word "fear" is misplaced. I know it's correlating with the past thoughts but it sticks out like a sore thumb. You need to incorporate it with the rest.

Again I disagree, that single word "fear" gives a sense of how important it is for the reader to realise that she wished it hadn't happened, that she was ashamed of it. That single word shows the pain it causes, much more strongly than a long description.

I like the use of the cupid's arrow metaphor, this is a common idea that people will instantly understand and it gives a sense of how important she thought it was that they both loved each other, that she thought that the gods were trying to bring them together. Very nice.

He was a Greek god, and I was just average.

Again using the god metaphor. In a different text though it may be, but the tie shouldn't be missed by most readers, at least subconsciously. However, this metaphor shows how she felt that he was one of the gods himself, and she wasn't worthy, perhaps another sign that she was scared of him, and what they might have had, as most mortals should be in that context.

There are a couple of things that I think need changing no matter how good the rest of it is.

Then I saw his parents.
All they did was argue.
Daniel's mother would cry and then take a sip of beer.
Daniel's father didn't even utter a single word.

When people who knew and loved Daniel crowded around them, they ignored them. I watched as they got in their blue pick up and drove away.
They didn't care about Daniel.
They were probably happy that he was gone.

the problem with these two paragraphs one after the other is it makes the reader feel they are reading a poem, this is a short story isn't it? Both of these is four lines of similar lengths, make one of them into a full paragraph, or merge them together. For example:

Then I saw the parents.
All they did was argue.
Daniel's mother would cry and then take a sip of beer, and his father didn't even utter a single word. When people who knew and loved Daniel crowded around them, they were ignored. (don't use too many thems)

(new idea, new paragraph)

I watched as they got into their blue pick up and drove away.
They didn't care about Daniel.
They were probably happy he was gone.

This makes it flow easier, and keeps the ideas that you have, without confusing the reader.

He never called me pig face or any of the other mean names I were given when I was a little kid.

just a little grammar error.

Soon I drifted off into the darkness....

remove this word, it breaks the feeling of trailing off and makes the reader think the darkness of what?

This is great! I rally like the ideas you're portraying, and your style is different and refreshing. Thank you for an enjoyable read, I hope there's more. PM me when you write it.

I think that you should have left it at Part 1. That ended the story in a way that felt better to me. This addition just kind of ruined the bitter-sweet moment that she felt when she realized that Daniel loved her and had killed himself.

She thinks way too much. For someone who's just had someone they loved die, usually they're numb, or just wishing that that someone would come back. Grief is something that does not allow the thought-process to filter through.

The writing was not, in general, bad. But again, I wish you would have left it at the stunning moment when Daniel threw himself off the building.

this story just keeps my attention the whole way through! you should really consider stretching the story out to a longer version.