Lily of My Heart Part 1

Lily of my heart
Part 1: Secret Admirers



I stare at him through the corner of my eye. Even though Science is the lamest class in school, he's listening intently to every word Mr. Harris says. I watch as he takes notes, wondering if he really is getting this stuff.
What were we talking about?

Every time I come to this class I always seem to be fascinated by whatever he's doing. Even though he doesn't meet my gaze, I don't hesitate to study him. If he were a subject, I think I would have aced him.

For some reason my eyes began to peruse his body. Today he was wearing a blue polo and light colored blue jeans. Personally I like this look on him. His eyes are the deepest blue I've ever seen. I like the way his black locks fall in front of them.
Blue must be his favorite color because he wears it everyday.

My eyes moved back up to his face. From the side of his face, you could tell that he was still focused. It was nice looking at him when he was focused. Since his jaw was perfectly squared and he had an angel's face, he looked sexy when he was focused.
I wish he'd focus on me. I mean, I think I'm more interesting than Science.I think I am more interesting then every subject in this whole school. I'm not conceited or anything. Am I? No...I'm not. I just can't seem to register why he always ignores me. Is it my breath? I hope not. No...no..that's impossible. I brush my teeth all the time and I use mouthwash. What about my hair? Is it my shampoo? I have always loved the floral scent but if he is revolted by the smell, perhaps I can change it.

The bell rings, breaking my thoughts. Class was over and I didn't even write one word in my open notebook. I wanted to ask Daniel to lend me his notes but he already seemed so intent in his thoughts. I watched him as he stood and gathered his things. He quickly but steadily headed towards the door. I studied him so hard, as he walked away, that I immediately noticed something fall out of his binder.

I ran to pick it up before somebody stepped on it. Without hesitating, I walked into the hallway hoping to find him there, waiting, but he was gone. I look down to find that it was a white envelope. I turned it over and what I saw almost made me faint. My name was on the front.

This couldn't be. Daniel Hathaway didn't talk to me. We lived our lives sitting next to each other everyday, in every class, without saying a word to each other. Because of this, I always felt that he didn't like me. In fact, he didn't like me. If he didn't have the guts to say whatever he had to my face, then he really despised me.

I studied the white envelope. My name was written in Daniel's beautiful cursive. It was a huge envelope. Why would he take the time to write me a note?
"Maybe he really does like me." I said aloud, answering my own question.
Yeah that could be a possibility. I mean I am likable...at least I think I am.

I stuffed the note in my back pocket and walked down the hall to my next class. I decided that the only reason Daniel would ever write me a note was because he liked me, maybe even loved me. He was my secret admirer in a way.

As I walked down the hallway I made a few mental notes.

1.That I loved this tall, hot, smart, sexy guy who had every class with me.

2.That he had to like me if he took the time to write me a letter.

And

3.That we were meant to be.


If this note hadn't fallen out of his binder, then I wouldn't feel the way I feel. For once I could really say that I was happy. This was a sign from God or some other force. We were meant to be.
Why else would this note fall out of Daniel's binder practically right in front of me?

My thoughts got me through the day. Next thing I knew, it was time to go home. As I walked to my car, butterflies fluttered in my stomach.
What if Daniel didn't love me? What if this note was just something that said "stay away from me."


Without thinking I ran towards Daniel's car and waited for him. He never came.Time passed by. Minutes. Seconds. Until I saw him.
He was standing on top of the school building. I could tell his ocean blue eyes were fixed on me. I met his gaze. He was going to jump.

I wanted to say something that would stop him from committing suicide. But I was angry with him. I was angry because he never talked to me. He never even looked at me, until today. All I ever wanted was to have him notice me. When I parted my lips to scream something, anything, nothing came out.
I watched as he jumped. He was gone.

Panic filled the air.
Everyone was crying.
Someone nearby took out their phone and dialed 911.
I stood there.
I reached into my back pocket and pulled out the note that I never read.
I tore it open, and stared down at Daniel's words.
It read:

Dear Adrianna,

When I first saw you I fell deeply in love with you. I love the way your hair smells. I love the look on your face when you are concentrating. I love the way you laugh. I especially love your smile. I love the way you smell. Like lilies in a field.
I know you don't feel the same way about me.
You don't even talk to me.
Every time I look at you, you look away.
I love you. I always will.
Even when my heart stops beating, know that you'll always be the lily of my heart.

Love,
Daniel Hathaway

This is weird. It could actually be interesting, but I have to admit it has way too many problems right now to even be moderately good.

Until I seen him.

Until I saw him.

I highly suggest you pick up a book and read. Reading will help you learn how to write better.

You should use paragraphs.
You write like this.
And this is not how a story is written.
A story is written in paragraphs.
Also, you have some incomplete sentences.
"On top of the school building." is not a complete sentence.

Why should I care about your character? I know nothing about her, I don't know who she is, nothing. All I know is she has a rather superficial crush on this guy in her school, oh, and she is like every cliché teenager, ever. She needs to be made real. Pick up a book and read it. You'll notice the characters aren't 2D pieces of paper; they're living, breathing people and you can see them in your head and talk to them and they will respond. Make your characters real.

If there was any kind of advice I could give you, it would be to read. That's all I can think of. At thirteen, I couldn't write at all. I also suggest finding and buying Gotham Writer's Workshop: Writing Fiction. That book helped me a lot when I was your age.

Good luck.

It's supposed to be read exactly the way its written. I know this isn't the traditional way to write a story but I wanted to be different. Well anyways it's supposed to be a short story.
The reason that we don't know anything about this character is because this is a situation that can happen to anyone.
A girl who likes a guy but she doesn't know if he likes her.
She's too shy to even talk to him.
One the other hand, theres a guy who is obviously having a bad life because..hello he's jumping off of a school building.
Also we know that he is in fact in love with Adrianna.
I was thinking about keeping this as a short story but I might add other pieces to it. I have been writing since I was seven and I know all the techniques of writing...I just forget grammar and correct punctuation sometimes.
I like exploring new ways to write, hey what can I say, I follow my own guidelines. I am a writer.
If anyone thinks I should expand on this story let me know. I would enjoy working on this.
Thanks for critiquing everyone.

Hey there.

I have to say, I pretty much agree with Suzanne there.

There are many different techniques you can use to write a short story, and I applaud you for wanting to experiment and try out new things. Now that you've tried it out, you know it doesn't work. Because it really doesn't. On first reading I thought this was an attempt at a poem. It doesn't have the flow a short story needs. There is no real "story" here. Just lines of statements. I did this, I did that, he did this, this happened" - there's no real narrative for the reader to sink into.

You don't describe or explain. All you have here is just the basics of the situation. The reader needs more to enjoy and engage in.

You don't know all the techniques to writing. I doubt there is anyone in existence who really does. Writing is a wide, plyable field with so much left to teach the individual. You're young, and you have room, and need, to learn. You can't tell me that at the age of thirteen you know everything, not when at the age of eighteen I'm just learning that there's so much more I could know, that I could learn. Telling yourself that merely restricts how much you're willing to learn.

In the end, this needs work. It's not a real narrative and fails to engage and emote at all. You need description, and a more orthodox style for this. Think about it.

If you change this please Pm me, I'd like to read it.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Thanks Penguin, I really am starting to see what you and Suzanne mean. I need to add more description and make it more traditional. I really don't think I know everything about writing its just that I get a little experimental every once in a while.

I never saw it before you changed it, but what it is now is great! It seems that before it would have been quite jaggered to read, but now it seems smoother, if not perfect, and flows together. The use of long and short sentances is quite well done, and I'm glad that you kept that climax paragraph - panic filled...words, it read - in the way that you have, it adds to the sense of forboding, of panic and worry. But if you had the rest like that, I can see why Suzanne commented on it, that's not always a good idea. i know you wanted to be differnet, but there are limits. lol. you'll just have to learn what they are.

I'm intrigued now, I want to know what happens, that's very good. If you can get your readers to want to read more, then you have a good plot, and a good sense of anticipatory rythm. (If you know what I mean) Well done. The main charactor is easy to relate to, especially for the audience you're obviously aiming it at, which is excellent, understanding how to keep the story relevant to the audience is important, keep it up.

I'll read the second part some other time, and give you my comments on that, but keep writing in the mean time, it's an interesting story!

I think this belongs in the Romantic Fiction. To be honest, it bothered me. You write well, I thought it was unrealistic and too dramatic. I would have bought it if maybe Daniel had approached her and she'd rebuffed him, or something, but just because she doesn't talk to him he commits suicide?

And why didn't she read the note right away? Why did she just stuff it into her pocket?

It needs a lot of revisions, to be blunt.

Angel of Death wrote:Lily of my heart
Part 1: Secret Admirers



I stare at him through the corner of my eye. Even though Science is the lamest class in school, he's listening intently to every word Mr. Harris says. I watch as he takes notes, wondering if he really is getting this stuff.What were we talking about? Every time I come to this class I always seem to be fascinated by whatever he's doing. Even though he doesn't meet my gaze, I don't hesitate to study him. If he were a subject, I think I would have aced him.

Just a few typos. Also, I think you should add a separate paragraph for her italicized thoughts.

For some reason my eyes began to pursue his body. Today he was wearing a blue polo and light colored blue jeans.
Blue must be his favorite color because he wears it everyday.
Personally I like it on him. His eyes are the deepest blue I've ever seen. I like the way his black locks fall in front of them.

Two other things I don't like. I don't think "pursue" is a nice word to use when describing the way you look at a person and I don't like the word locks. It just sounds too purple especially in romances like this.

The bell rings, breaking my thoughts. Class was over and I didn't even write one word in my open notebook. I wanted to ask Daniel to lend me his notes but he already seemed so intent in his thoughts. I watched him as he stood and gathered his things. He quickly but steadily headed towards the door. I studied him so hard, as he walked away, that I immediately noticed something fall out of his binder.

You're changing tenses somewhat in this story. First you start out with current and now your moving into past.

As I walked down the hallway I made a few mental notes.

1.That I loved this tall, hot, smart, sexy guy who had every class with me.

2.That he had to like me if he took the time to write me a letter.

And

3.That we were meant to be.

I don't like these "mental notes". We understand that she's "in love" with this kid you don't need to tell us all the time! I think you should just nix this.

Over all I didn't really like this...I don't find this believable. I doubt some kid is going to commit suicide by jumping off the top of the school because a girl didn't talk to him. I think he would at least try to talk to her first before resorting to drastic measures. Or he already has psychological problems...Anyways the MC did stray to a fan-girlish charm every now and then which kind of pushed her away from the whole theme that she is madly in love with that kid. Also I think she would have opened the letter beforehand judging by her character. You can't puppet her around just to make her open the letter at the end of school because it's convenient to the plot.

I just don't think this plot is the best for you or anyone. It's just too unbelievable.

I know people may have a lot of questions and when you read on you'll find the answers. I am pretty much aware that this first part of the story is what some might say "dramatic" but it'll all come together as you read the other parts I promise. I can't let the reader get their way all the time. Where's the fun in that?

I watch as he takes notes, wondering if he really is getting this stuff.

The word stuff is too informal. (I feel like I am my english teacher!)

I believe that stuff is not a noun. Us humans just somehow informally and incorrectly used it that way. I think you should change the word stuff to something more specific.

Other than that it was great!

wow, i really liked this one. the irony of the whole thing was great! wonderful job! now i'll have to read lily of my heart 2 and 3!