Believing

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"How old are you, exactly, Carmen?"

The girl raised her tousled red haired head, and looked the vicar in the eye, but said nothing. It wasn't her way to answer questions.

The vicar stared at the girl in front of him, dressed from head to foot in black mourning clothes, and wondered how a child could possibly be quite so strange and silent. "Your age?" he repeated.

Carmen considered the question. She wished people could be more direct with questions. Did he mean how long since she had been born, or how old she felt? She felt very, very old. She felt dead inside.

"Thirteen." She said, quietly. The vicar sighed.

"So young...Well, you know the one which we have lost are still with us, in our hearts. And you know God is looking after them."

Carmen didn't believe a word of this. She thought the vicar was a fool. He talked so much but seemed to say very little.

The vicar cleared his throat, slightly disconcerted by the constant stare of the soundless child. He smiled weakly at her. "Well, I'll...er...be going then. Keep yourslef well, Carmen. And say your prayers!" And with that, he ran off, along the graveyard path and through the huge wooden front doors of the church. Carmen did not watch him leave.

She walked forward, and placed a hand on the small stone slab in front of her. She shut her eyes. She could feel the wind from the sea whipping her hair against her face, and could hear it rustling through the evergreens that surrounded the graveyard. She could smell those trees, and she could smell the ocean; a piney, salty smell that mingled together. With her eyes shut, she could see nothing; but the sunlight pressed against her eyelids, making the darkness somehow brighter.

She could feel the edges of the stone beneath her fingers, and she clutched it hard, as her eyes grew hot and she had to press them tightly shut so as to stem the flow of tears.

She hated that this was the closest she could get. She missed her father so, so much. She clutched the stone even harder, so hard it hurt, trying to imagine the rough edges as her father's hands. But she could not do it. She opened her eyes. He was gone. All that bile the vicar had spouted about him being in her heart was lies. Her heart felt as empty as the rest of her.

She turned away from the stone slab, and started to walk along the graveyard path, the opposite direction to the one the vicar had taken. The funeral had ended half an hour ago. The villagers had left to visit the Inn and gossip. Carmen wondered what they would be saying. She hated all the villagers.

She opened the small wooden gate, and slipped through it. Then she turned and ran down the road, her black shoes spewing rubble behind her. She ran around the edges of the houses, past the mill, with its smell of bread and flour, and past the old lighthouse, its windows broken and the door crooked, and all the way along the road down to the beach path.

She ran down it until she came to a bank, covered in stones and grass, and picked her way down. She came to halt at the bottom, and stared ahead of her, catching her breath.

The sea moved in front of her, the noise of it filling her ears. The pebbled beach stretched out along the side of the island, off past Eagle Cliff in the distance. She walked forward, into the sea, and stood there, the water lapping against her ankles.

Slowly, the emotions insie of her built up and up, until they were pressing in on her from all sides. He was gone, gone, she would never see him again. Never. How could he have gone? Why him, why him?

She arched her neck, stared up into the clear blue sky, and screamed.
Last edited by Raimunda on Mon Mar 10, 2008 9:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I just hit my computer
Because it was being slow
I need my daily Smallville fix
And it will not load the video.




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Hi!

Welcome to YWS! For all that this is one of your first posts, it feels very polished, like you know what you are doing. You really have some talent! This flowed very well, and the imagery was pretty good. Here are a few suggestions/corrections I had:

Beilieving


Should be spelled: 'Believing'.... In the future, try to check stuff like that before posting.

Keep yourslef


Should be: 'Keep yourself'....

And with that, he ran off, along the graveyard


Would he really run? He wasn't THAT disconcerted, was he? And if he's a vicar, he should be used to talking to relatives of recently deceased people.

She could feel the edges of the stone beneath her fingers, and she clutched it hard, as her eyes grew hot and she had to press them tightly shut so as to stem the flow of tears.


This sentence could be broken into two, like so: 'She could feel the edges of the stone beneath her fingers,[insert description here]. Her eyes began to grow hot, and she pressed them tightly shut to stem the flow of tears.'

I also noticed that every paragraph from here down starts with 'she'... Nothing really wrong with this I suppose, but you might want to change it.

insie


Should be: 'Inside'

She walked forward, into the sea, and stood there, the water lapping against her ankles.


This sentence should only have one comma, like so:

'She walked forward into the sea and stood there, the water lapping against her ankles.'



Why him, why him?


A bit cliche, and also repetetive. I'd get rid of one of the why hims. ;)

She arched her neck, stared up into the clear blue sky, and screamed.


Kinda an unexpected ending, but I liked it. I expected her to commit suicide or something. XD

If you continue this, PM me and I'll give you a critique!

See ya around!

~Lupis




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Its awkward cause we don't get to see what is happening prior to this scene. He may be gone, but it as readers we don't get any attachment to 'Carmen'. We just see pain, but cannot choose whether to feel sorry or to be completely indifferent with her. Its too open ended for the piece, what happened and why does she feel so bad about it? Did she cause his death, or just played a part, or was it because of her failure?

I am not a big fan of 'age' unless it is really necessary, it just seems unusual to ask someone (and usually rude) their age. This is no trial and it only distances Carmen from the rest of society by slapping a label on her, for whatever role she is guilty of.

There is just too many questions for me to give much of a critique about, it was too short to allow me to identify or understand the scene.




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We have a moment of emotion, but in all honesty, I really don't feel attachment to Carmen. I didn't know her father or how he treated her, so I don't feel much sadness at his death. I don't know what Carmen is like (since this is such a short piece) so I really don't feel very sorry for her. I feel bad that her dad died, but in an impersonal way that you would feel for a stranger, rather than the sharing of pain that you would feel for your best friend.

Anyway, your writing itself seemed really good, except for the multiple typos - one of which is in your title itself. I would fix that, since it doesn't represent your story very well. It is the first thing people see and if it is misspelled, people are likely to shy away from your story unfairly, thinking that it will be immature or badly written.

Good luck with your writing! You have a piece with potential here!

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.




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Really good start. Excellent writing, but very little of anything else. As a reader it's just hard to "connect" with Carmen. I couldn't feel sorry for her or her loss, seeing as I knew nothing about her. She seems so distant, and extremely detatched and distraught .
But a really good for being one of your first posts. Can't wait to read more.

- Corvin
-Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death.

-There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.

-Violence reflects a severe lack of imagination.




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Lol.

I am not a good speller. Its true. And I shall check more thouroughly next time. Sorry bout that....

BUT THANKS FOR THE INPUT.

I think I shall try and make it more emotionally attached, or however one should phrase it.

x
I just hit my computer
Because it was being slow
I need my daily Smallville fix
And it will not load the video.




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Gender Female
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I liked it very much but whats really bothering me is the question why did the vicar run? Just work on connecting Carmen to the story and I will enjoy reading the rest of this.
" If you don't have to time to read, you don't have the time or tools to write.

STEPHEN KING, On Writing"



No spring nor summer beauty hath such grace as I have seen in one autumnal face.
— John Donne