"Screaming out loud."

I try to do what’s right, but it never seems to work,
I try to make it better, but it only causes hurt.
If I could take one thing back, it’d be the pain that I’ve caused,
And if I could give one thing back, it’d be the closeness that we’ve lost.
Somewhere along the way, I tried to be like you.
I tried to say the things you say, and do the things you do,
But I guess I could never be as great, and never be as good,
I just wish I could do the things you always say I should.
I try my hardest, to be all that I can,
But no matter what I do, I’ll never be a “man”.
As my tears fall, my stomach lurches and I look for a bucket,
Instead there’s a gun, a knife, a rope, and everything’s screaming “fuck it”.
Maybe I should be as grown up as you, but I just want to be a kid,
I’m only 16, and learning, but never the less, I’m sorry for what I did.
If you could only take a peek inside, see the words I couldn’t say,
Maybe you would hold me, and tell me “It’s going to be okay”.
But until that day, the wall between us will never fall,
The anger, the hurt, and the misunderstanding will trump it all.
All I wanted was for you to be proud,
But don’t mind me, I’m just screaming out loud.
Everything I did, I tried to do for you, but my one achievement,
Among my many mistakes, is like a child with in a crowd.
You notice, you nod, you wonder what it’s doing there,
But with all the other adults around, you never seem to care.
All I ever wanted was to show you how much I love you.
All I ever wanted you to know is how much you mean to me.
All I ever wanted to do was make you proud.
But this is just me, screaming out loud.

I did like this piece and I think that the rhyme scheme worked well up until-

Everything I did, I tried to do for you, but my one achievement,
Among my many mistakes, is like a child with in a crowd.

It suddenly went a bit funny. Consider re-phrasing so it fits with the rest of the poem?

One thing that you can really notice is the layout. I'm useless myself with poetry punctuation and layout but I think that you should try to organise this better. There are some articles on poetry layout and punctuation on YWS. Try going here: viewarticles.php?f=152

I liked the idea and I think that using some slightly more interesting words could also help this greatly.

Overall, this was good.

All the best,
Alainna
xx

I don't have anything to say on punctuation because frankly, I'm probably not good at punctuation myself. I think the important thing is to have something that speaks to the reader and brings out all the right emotions. When I read this poem it brought me back to some experiences I have had and I could relate to it. I thought this was really excellent and I felt a range of emotions while reading it.

I liked the emotion in this poem. You did a good job of expressing frustration, hurt, anger and so forth through your words.

The rhythm seemed a little choppy to me, but your rhyming was great, minus that one example that Alainna pointed out.

You might want to consider dividing this into stanzas, perhaps after every fourth line, to create a kind of sectional feeling, as well as make it easier to read for the computer reader. It is difficult to read large blocks of text without indentations on the computer screen (actually anywhere) and that is kind of what you have here. I'm much more forgiving with poetry than prose in this kind of thing (poetry doesn't need paragraphs like prose does) but it would make this so much more appealing to the reader if this was divided up a little.

*thumbs up*

Nice job.

~GryphonFledgling