Embracing the Moon

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[pre]Prologue

When I awoke on the shore everything was dark. I was cold and uncomfortable. I could feel the sand clinging to my water soaked clothing. I remembered to breathe and the salty ocean air filled my lungs. As I lay there I concentrated on the sound of my breathing and of the waves crashing onto the ocean shore. Soon my breathing matched that of the waves.
I managed to squint my eyes open. In the distance was a hazy shape coming towards me. He was the light in the darkness. I don’t know how I knew it was a he, but something inside me knew.
As he approached it became much easier for me to see my surroundings. The closer he came, the more clear things were. I noticed that the sun was bright in the sky above me, but it was different. It was so bright that I felt the way one would feel trapped in a tanning booth. It was getting hotter and the rays seemed to come at me from every direction.
I instinctively knew that I if I stayed in that blazing hot sun for too much longer that I would be incinerated. That was when I knew I was in a foreign place. I knew that things would be different from now on. I knew that I was dead. But as quickly as this revelation came to me, more to my surprise was how quickly it left.
I closed my eyes again and let the unconscious world take hold of me. Just as I drifted off I felt myself scooped up into the arms of the stranger and I was carried away to my future just like the ocean waves had carried me to the shore.







Changing of The Tides

The sizzling of the fire was what woke me. I opened my eyes to see the orange flames that licked at the wood and the smoke that danced up into the sky. I let out a gasp at the sight above me. A million twinkling stars were set in the crimson blue sky above and the moon was so big and bright that it seemed surreal. Not only that, but the moon was an unusual color; it was an orangey-pink.
As my eyes settled back over the fire they were drawn to the ghostly face that was beyond the fire. I was at first startled by the intensity of the gaze that met mine, then curious, and finally fearful.
He looked to be about twenty years old, but something in his eyes spoke of wisdom beyond his years. He leaned forward as if he were studying my reaction to his being there and as he did so, chocolate colored hair fell subtly into matching eyes. His hands were placed on his knees as he drew closer to the fire and before I knew it I was sitting up into the same position as him. We both stared at each other through the fire, each curious.
A more relaxed expression appeared on his face and he smiled softly. “Are you afraid?” he asked. His voice was smooth and clear.
I swallowed, reluctant to answer. “I don’t know,” I whispered. “Should I be?”
His smile grew wider and straight white teeth were revealed, however, something about his teeth was odd. “Remind me to ask you that again later,” he replied.
I remained silent. I pulled the blanket around my shoulders that I had woken up with on top of me. I tried to gather my thoughts as I basked in the warmth of the fire.
“Who are you?” I asked quietly.
I could see the flames of the fire reflected in his eyes. “You can call me Cliff,” he said.
“Cliff…” I mulled the name around in my head. “Do we know each other?” I asked skeptically.
He chuckled. “This will be the first time we have met,” he said.
I shuddered as a grim memory made its way back into my mind. “Are you one of them?” I asked trying to hide the fear that overtook me.
A semblance of understanding passed between us. His smile turned into an expression I could not read. He did not respond and I wondered why.
“All you need to know right now,” he began. “Is that what happened was not a dream…and,” he continued, “Things will be very complicated from now on.”
I tried to swallow the lump in my throat. “That really happened?”
He watched me for a moment, curiosity engulfing his whole being. “I’m surprised you even remember,” he said smiling to himself. He gazed down into the fire, for the first time avoiding my eyes. “When my time came to remember…” he trailed off. His eyes lifted to mine again, a weak smile on his face. “Anyway, that’s not important.”
I was instantly overwhelmed with a number of emotions. “Why am I here?” I asked my voice breaking a little.
“It’ll make sense in time,” he said getting up. He was tall and slim, but he seemed to possess an uncanny strength. “Until then I need you to trust your memory of what happened. And,” he emphasized, “I need you to trust me.”
I nodded, still struggling to understand everything at once, but all I could do was trust him.
He folded his arms across his chest and peered at me. “What is your name?” he asked.
I blinked once, the lie coming out before I could stop it. “I don’t remember.”
He nodded. “I’ll need something to call you. Think on it,” he said turning away from me. “At least until you remember your name,” he said glancing back at me skeptically.
Once again I turned my thoughts and feelings inward. I could remember last night…and that memory would haunt me forever.
“Try to sleep,” he said, his dark eyes peering into mine. “We’ll talk more later.”
I watched him as he walked gracefully towards the water, stopping at the shore, that not long ago, I had found myself on. He stood gazing at the moon. The wind played gently with his dark hair.
I lay back on the ground by the fire and willed myself to sleep. As I slept I dreamed of the night before. Another dream followed after, but this one seemed to contain memories of the life I’d had before this; the life that seemed to be slipping away. I did not want to lose the memory of my mother.


- - -

Growing up with a single parent had never bothered me. I thought it was kind of nice to have my mother to myself all those years. Just mom and I. No siblings, no father. That was the way I liked it. I suppose if I had known my father I would have felt differently. But if one parent is all you’ve ever known I suppose it’s easier to be content with one.
I was always protective of my mother. She might not have noticed the way men looked at her, but I did. Whether we were in the grocery store, at a baseball game, or an art gallery, if there were men, they would look.
My mother was more attractive than most women. She had long brown hair that cascaded in curls down her back (thankfully I inherited that from mom), and she had round brown eyes with thick lashes. I think it was more her personality that attracted men to her though. She was like a light bulb. Everywhere she went lit up. She was so bubbly and smiley; who wouldn’t want to be around that all the time?
I mentioned before food, baseball, and art simply because those were my mother’s passions. She loved to cook, loved sports (whether watching or playing in them), and she was captivated by art. She would be content spending hours at a grocery store figuring out what kind of creative dishes she could make and exploring an art gallery. However when it came to sports, she would not sit on the couch watching games all day; she had to be at a game to enjoy it. These were the main places that she would run into men.
She dated often, but never seemed to be as enthralled with the men as much as they were with her. I couldn’t care less because I didn’t want any man coming in between us. I wanted my mother to be happy, but I honestly didn’t believe a man would be able to make her as happy as she would be on her own.
I say this because every time my mother dated a man she would start complaining to me about him. He called her too often, he wasn’t completely honest with her, he was too clingy, and so on. When she wasn’t with a man she was positive, uninhibited it seemed, and she could go about her life doing the things she enjoyed without worry.
I came home from school one day to see my mom in the kitchen gazing out the window at the house across from ours. I set my book bag against the wall and watched her for a moment. The look in her eyes was almost eerie. She seemed lost in thought. As I approached her and the window I realized she was watching the couple across the street. The man had just come home from work and his wife had come out to greet him. The two had their arms about each other in a tight embrace and they passionately kissed.
“Mom,” I said. “Are you alright?”
She reluctantly turned her eyes away from the window to look at me. Something in her was changed. I could see it in her eyes. From the way she looked at me and at the couple across the way.
“I met someone at work today,” was all she said. Then as if she had said nothing at all she turned her eyes back towards the couple.
I decided to discard what she said, thinking it was nothing. She met men all the time and what came of that? She would find something about him that bugged her and that would be the end of it. That’s how it always was. Why should it be any different this time?
But there was something about the way my mom acted the whole evening and the way she spoke that made me think something about what happened at work today was different. The whole evening she moped around the house. She hardly said two words to me at dinner and she ate like a bird. After dinner she spent her night on the couch watching romantic movies.
“Mom,” I finally said. “Did something bad happen at work today?”
She shrugged. “It was just a typical day at the office,” she said. “But then near the end of the day this incredible man appeared out of nowhere. He came right up to my desk and said he came to see me,” she blushed a little bit. My mother actually blushed over a man! “He said he saw me from outside and that I was so beautiful that he couldn’t help but come and meet me.”
“Did you get rid of him?” I asked sitting up on the couch.
“Get rid of him? No! Why would I? It’s not every day that something like this happens to me,” she replied.
“Mom are you serious? You get asked out by at least two or three guys a day!”
“I know honey, but…” she said smiling to herself, “this was different. He was different.”
I sat there and my mouth hung open. “Wow,” I said. “So what happened?”
She was still smiling. “He talked with me for awhile. He asked me about work, about what I like to do, and he asked me if I was married.” Her smile evaporated quickly. “But he didn’t ask me out…” she said somberly.
That was unexpected.
“I’m sorry mom,” I said carefully. “Maybe he’s married,” I joked.
“Oh come on,” she said seemingly irritated. “He wouldn’t have said those things to me if he was married.”
"People do it all the time,” I replied.
“It’s just that,” she began. “There was something special about him. He was so alluring. I just wish…he would have asked me out,” she finished. And then she was crying. She was sobbing into her hands like a baby.
“Mom please don’t cry,” I said reaching for her. “I’m sure he’ll come and see you again.”
I held her for a while and then she calmed down. “I’m sorry honey,” she said looking up at me. “I don’t know what came over me.”
That night as I lay in bed trying to sleep I heard her again. She was crying in her bed over a man she knew nothing about. What could have triggered such a reaction in my mother? She was acting so unusual. Was it possible to love someone you didn’t even know? In my opinion, any man who could do this to my mother was someone to be suspicious of.

When I awoke again it was still night. The stars were bright in the sky and the orangey-pink moon was still there. I sat up cautiously and looked around. The area was somewhat different. In the distance I saw a mountain range that I didn’t remember being there before. If I looked closely enough I could see a light near the top of it. It reminded me of the hazy shape I had seen approaching me when I had woken on the shore. This shape however seemed to be flying towards me at full speed. As it got closer I could make out the shape of a person.
Before I could comprehend what was happening a woman dropped to the ground in front of me. The fire nearly went out from the impact of the wind that surged past me.
She was tall and curvaceous. She had long flowing black hair that seemed to dance around her in layers. She stood straighter after maintaining her balance from the fall and she gazed at me. There was something about her gaze that made me feel like a deer caught in headlights. She had an olive colored complexion that looked as smooth as glass. She had thick eyebrows that suited her dark green eyes and thick lashes. She was beauty incarnate, but frightening. She wore a tight black vest and leather pants. She took one step forward with her booted foot when I turned and ran.
I had no idea if she was following me or not, but all I wanted to do was get away from the woman. I felt so small and insignificant near her, like I was about to be put out of my miserable existence. When she looked at me I felt like meat on a platter.
I ran along the beach unable to do anything about the footprints I left behind. All there was in the distance was more sand and more ocean shore. I finally stopped and let myself fall on my butt. I sat there staring off into the horizon. There was no sun here. It was beautiful, but so unnerving.
I felt a hand on my shoulder and I turned to see Cliff. He looked concerned for a moment and then he sat beside me.
We sat there quietly until I broke the silence.
“What is this place?” I asked.
His eyes flicked to my face for a moment. I felt as if he were trying to decipher me. “This is a secret place,” he said softly. “It’s a place where…those…like us…can safely meet,” he said. “It’s almost like a sanctuary.”
I shook my head. “I don’t understand,” I said.
“We are hunted,” he said. “But here…we are free.”
And just like that…I understood. He was one of them. I hadn’t imagined anything. There were things in this world that could not be explained; things that people refused to believe. I had been one of those people…until I saw the blood.
I closed my eyes for a moment trying to free myself of the memory. “So this place…is not real?” I asked.
“Sometimes when we dream,” he began. “We long for things that cannot be. That never will be again,” he said glancing at me to see my reaction. “This is a dream for us all. To be what we are freely. This is like an escape accessible to us.”
“A dream world?” I summed it up.
“Yes,” he said. “Our ancestors have powers beyond human belief. Powers such as this; the ability to create a world outside of what is real.”
“But…how?” I asked.
He smiled. “That is still a mystery to us all. It is in our very being that we know of this place all our lives and that we can escape to it. It’s much like going to sleep,” he explained.
“That’s so amazing,” I said looking up at the moon. “Yet so mind boggling.”
“You’ll have a better understanding of this place over time,” he said.
“Tell me…” I said, “Who was that woman that flew to me?”
He chuckled to himself. “That was Rain,” he replied. “I’m sorry for not warning you about her arrival. The Elders agreed that it might be best if Rain came here to help me.”
“Help you?” I asked looking at him puzzled.
“To help me with you. Sometimes it’s hard to explain these things by yourself,” he said. “Rain is usually good about helping those like you to understand. She may be a little blunt, but she might be able to help you understand sooner than I could.”
“Understand things like…the dream world?” I asked.
“Yes,” he said hesitantly, “but so much more. You need to know exactly what happened with your…mother,” he didn’t like saying the word, “and why it happened. You need to know of the danger you are now in and how to protect yourself.”
“I remember what happened,” I whispered. “That much I remember.”
He was cautious with his next words. “You…saw what happened?”
I nodded. “I wasn’t supposed to be there,” I said. “I told her I would go to a friend’s house for the night…but I just got so worried about her!” I said emotion filling my voice. “I knew there was something wrong! I knew he was going to hurt her! I just wanted to check on her to make sure everything was ok…” I said trailing off. I realized that hot tears were streaming down my face. “Is this supposed to be able to happen in this dream world of yours?” I asked disdainfully motioning to the tears on my face.
“I’ve seen many cry here,” he said slightly disturbed. “This isn’t a happy place for those who don’t understand. For…humans,” he added.
I laughed. “For humans,” I repeated. Then I winced at what he had been saying all along. I already knew what he and Rain were. I knew what I would become.
I looked back towards the fire then. Rain stood there by the fire watching Cliff and I. She had a serious expression on her face. She looked slightly worried.
“Am I going to start wanting to eat people?” I asked meekly.
He was amused. “Well…” he became more serious. “The thirst for blood will kick in soon,” he admitted. “It’s going to be hard,” he added, staring at me intently.
I understood. “And that’s why you and Rain are here?” I asked.
“Yes,” he said. “We’ll stay here as long as we have to until you are ready.”
“Ready for what exactly?” I asked.
“Until you are ready to go back to the world as it is,” he stated. “During this time we will prepare you for what you are about to face,” he added.
I nodded. “Ok,” I said. “I guess I should be thankful.”
“To me,” he said sadly. “It’s a curse; this life. I just try to make it easier on others. I suppose I would have been thankful if there had been someone to help me,” he finished.
We both looked back out into the horizon. The waves continued to crash onto each other and back onto the shore in a monotonous pattern. The full moon sat in place above the horizon, a place it had always been, and always would stay. I could no longer fight the truth and I shuddered at what I understood.
I was turning into a vampire.[/pre]
Last edited by geneevies on Sun Mar 09, 2008 12:27 am, edited 1 time in total.




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Alright...I guess I am first.

This was really confusing and hard to follow because all the dialog was not separated. Just reading it made my eyes feel like they were on the sea going up and down, up and down. It was messing with me because of the long, short, long, sentence structure. Please space them out more, so it makes it easier for other readers!

Second part, I, this, I that. I am not a huge fan of first person, but the sheer number of times you said I, was completely overwhelming. According to my checker, you said the word I, 197 times in a span of 4 pages. Just pointing out the excessiveness, your call on fixing and dropping (hopefully) about 150 of them.

This whole springing the vampire thing and much of the dialog seems so forced, like from a soap opera or some light fluffy serial novel. Usually if someone was becoming a vampire they would freak out, have mass cravings for blood, possibly revenge, and desperately cling to their humanity in light of becoming a monster. I got a 'Howl's Moving Castle' feeling from the acceptance of it all, something that just doesn't seem realistic.

Another thing, major info dumps.

" Growing up with a single parent had never bothered me. I thought it was kind of nice to have my mother to myself all those years. Just mom and I. No siblings, no father. That was the way I liked it. I suppose if I had known my father I would have felt differently. But if one parent is all you’ve ever known I suppose it’s easier to be content with one.
I was always protective of my mother. She might not have noticed the way men looked at her, but I did. Whether we were in the grocery store, at a baseball game, or an art gallery, if there were men, they would look.
My mother was more attractive than most women. She had long brown hair that cascaded in curls down her back (thankfully I inherited that from mom), and she had round brown eyes with thick lashes. I think it was more her personality that attracted men to her though. She was like a light bulb. Everywhere she went lit up. She was so bubbly and smiley; who wouldn’t want to be around that all the time?
I mentioned before food, baseball, and art simply because those were my mother’s passions. She loved to cook, loved sports (whether watching or playing in them), and she was captivated by art. She would be content spending hours at a grocery store figuring out what kind of creative dishes she could make and exploring an art gallery. However when it came to sports, she would not sit on the couch watching games all day; she had to be at a game to enjoy it. These were the main places that she would run into men.
She dated often, but never seemed to be as enthralled with the men as much as they were with her. I couldn’t care less because I didn’t want any man coming in between us. I wanted my mother to be happy, but I honestly didn’t believe a man would be able to make her as happy as she would be on her own.
I say this because every time my mother dated a man she would start complaining to me about him. He called her too often, he wasn’t completely honest with her, he was too clingy, and so on. When she wasn’t with a man she was positive, uninhibited it seemed, and she could go about her life doing the things she enjoyed without worry.
I came home from school one day to see my mom in the kitchen gazing out the window at the house across from ours. I set my book bag against the wall and watched her for a moment. The look in her eyes was almost eerie. She seemed lost in thought. As I approached her and the window I realized she was watching the couple across the street. The man had just come home from work and his wife had come out to greet him. The two had their arms about each other in a tight embrace and they passionately kissed.
“Mom,” I said. “Are you alright?”
She reluctantly turned her eyes away from the window to look at me. Something in her was changed. I could see it in her eyes. From the way she looked at me and at the couple across the way.
“I met someone at work today,” was all she said. Then as if she had said nothing at all she turned her eyes back towards the couple.
I decided to discard what she said, thinking it was nothing. She met men all the time and what came of that? She would find something about him that bugged her and that would be the end of it. That’s how it always was. Why should it be any different this time?
But there was something about the way my mom acted the whole evening and the way she spoke that made me think something about what happened at work today was different. The whole evening she moped around the house. She hardly said two words to me at dinner and she ate like a bird. After dinner she spent her night on the couch watching romantic movies. "

This was all... highly unusual, and a lot to take in. It just seemed like baggage onto the story part. We don't need to know she is protective of her mother, because of the relationship and conversation. It seems like you wrote this and then showed us with the conversation afterwards. You only really needed a good dialog to establish that she is protective of her mother, and has her own insecurities to deal with. Its not that hard to know the pain of a nuclear family.

As a whole I liked it, but you still have some more work to do on it, that much is clear. Might want to run through it and eliminate all the words you don't need. Space out the dialog and connect the ideas more strongly. That way you'll have a good and solid piece.




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Just a quick tip - when posting in the literary forums, try not to post a huge chunk of your story in one go. This puts people off hugely. Also, space your paragraphs. There's nothing worse than trying to do a critique when it's difficult to see where you are.
There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me, and it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her to not be alive anymore.

~Stewie Griffin




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It seemed that you were dividing stuff into paragraphs way too much. Every two to three lines was a new paragraph. So make them longer, more fuller. And also put a line in between each it is a lot easier for reading purposes
ALRIGHT, I was talking about my virginity!!!!

(lolz dinosaur comics)
if you don't understand...
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LOL this is confuseing, but COOL!!

lol vampires must be a popular topic. im writeing a vampire story too. Yours really paintts a picture in your head.
Why did you hit me?" he groaned groggily, blinking like an owl.

"Why are you in my bed!?" I countered, wriggling in embarrassment.




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is the caracter a girl or a boy??? just a side note.
Why did you hit me?" he groaned groggily, blinking like an owl.

"Why are you in my bed!?" I countered, wriggling in embarrassment.




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Ok first I have to admit I haven't really been wanting to come to this sight much lately and whenever I see in my email that someone has replied to something I put up I cringe (because I haven't gotten much positive feedback and that can be extremely discouraging). This is the first thing I posted on here and being new I don't know all the 'do's' and 'don'ts' so...yes...it probably is too long for one posting and I know it needs work, but I just figured I'd throw it out there. I basically just want to know if it is interesting or not, I don't care about the grammatical errors and paragraphing, I just want to know if people like it...that's all.
Anyway...the main character is a girl and her name is Blair, but you don't find that out till later.



Who, being loved, is poor?
— Oscar Wilde