Lullaby

Lullaby

Sing a song to me,
The song of a starry night.
The moon is happy today,
Its smile shining on the streets.
While people come and go,
While the fireflies soar;
You are in my hands,
And you will slumber.

Sing a song to you,
The song of a fairytale.
Where fairies dance and play,
Where animals talk for a day.
Springs and winters glow,
Their light basking your face.
But while you are asleep,
I will take you there -
To your faraway land.
And tomorrow you'll be ready
To reach the sky.

I'll sing a song for you,
And you will sing a song for me.
Tomorrow you'll be waking
To see the miracle of dawn,
Spinning the timeline of
Life.

Wow, this was very pretty. I like in the first stanza about it singing to you. I like your adjetives and how you painted an image in my head. It felt so real, even though it was fictional.

The second stanza was beautiful. It sent me into another world of fairytlaes and dreams.

Very nicly done. This totally deserves a thumbs up!

One thing though. The last three lines are kind of puzzling to me. I don't get them. And it doesn't sound right.

Keep up the good work!

-- MB

Right away, the title caught my eye. Even though it's only one word, and a pretty common one at that, it set a nice mood for the rest of the poem.

Back to the idea of a common word, however, the concept of a lullaby is also common. Do all that you can to separate your poem and, especially, idea from these commonalities! The way to do this is specifics. For example: All romance stories feature the loving relationship between two people. But! The plots of all these stories are different [er, most of the time, but we'll exclude totally cliché fiction for the purposes of this example ]. The way the characters interact will be different. If every romance writer were to sit down and write "Boy meets girl. They fall in love. The end," there wouldn't be much variation.

Now, after my long-winded example [sorry, I tend to do that sometimes], what does that mean for your poem? It means that I found it to be too general. The exaggerated equivalent of a romance writer writing "Boy meets girl...". This is because there are all the subjects that I expect in a poem like this: sun and moon imagery; nature, fairy, and fantasy imagery, etc. But they're just mentioned. The real meat of it, what will really make this come alive is in the details. Now that doesn't mean that this lullaby needs to be explained in a ten page dissertation, but it does mean that every word needs to count. Every word needs to do something so that I, and other readers as well, feel like I'm listening to a lullaby.

I like the intros that precede a lot of the ideas touched on: the "sing a song to me, the song of a starry night", the "I'll sing a song for you" but look that everything that comes after advances these ideas rather than sticks them in a cycle of saying the same thing over and over.

I will take you there -
To your faraway land.
And tomorrow you'll be ready
To reach the sky.

I really like these lines; concentrate on them rather than what the fairy tale looks like because they're the reason for the fairy tale in the first place, not the animals or the weather.

You are in my hands,
And you will slumber.

I also like these lines because it shows the relationship between the singer and the listener. There's human emotion here that inspires emotion into me, rather than the middle of that stanza, where I just nodded and watched the scene I was reading. Because of said emotion, now I feel like I'm interacting with it.

Tomorrow you'll be waking
To see the miracle of dawn,
Spinning the timeline of
Life.

I like these lines too! It's a nice way to close, surmising everything that's been talked about in the rest of the poem and adding something new, the part about dawn spinning a timeline of life. That's good stuff ^_^


So in all, concentrate on how you want to say things. Pay close attention to word choice and tighten things up so that I feel like I'm swirling through this fairy tale world as well and I think it'll be a lovely lullaby!

This poem had a stream of wonder running though me. I loved it. There was beautiful emotion in it that brought me back to last year when I swore I found "the one". Anyway this poem touched my heart. Keep on writing as I start to cry! Good Job!

Hello, Pau!

Most of my comments on the poem have already been spoken by Leja, so I'll give you a pikthru:

--The rhyme scheme.
Sometimes it's there, other time it's not. Try to settle on one frame, OK? It's less confusing that way.

-- Other than this being a lullaby, there's no recurring theme. You touch very lightly on some other subjects, but you move on in the next line, and it's a bit hasty-sounding. Take an idea and run with it!

If you ever re-write this, I'd like to see it. It's got some great potential.

Keep writing, and cheers!
~Sumi

This is really beautiful, and the flow is very good. I'd change "today" to "tonight", as it makes more sense, and would sound better, I think. I love;
"You are in my hands,
And you will slumber."

I'd change "Where animals talk for a day. " as it sounds a tad forced, adn maybe change "Their light basking your face." to
"Your face basks/basked in their light."

I like;
"Spinning the timeline of
Life."
It's a very good ending.

Keep writing.

Jas

Pretty decent. I liked the title, how is was short and just one word. The poem itself had a good flow, was all tied together, and didn't make me fall asleep. Good job. Keep writing.