The Forgotten End.

A swirling mass of dejections
Printed on the window in the stain
Of forgotten hands, smearing the light.

A harmful shame, pouring from the
Mouths of feckless youths,
Pushes and pulls, thrusting life from
The multitudes to the singular and back again.

Where do the crumbling masks lie?
Calmly, as they await their endless torture,
They stare blindly into the emotionless,
Forcing clarity from feared sights.

The world waits, endless in time,
Foisting all realisms from their door in
Rash, painful hopes of normality.

The end is forever second best.


-

It's been played with a little, tweaked. Still not right yet. Tell me what you think, please. ^^

Loved your poem! Quotes...

A harmful shame, pouring from the
Mouths of feckless youths,

Loved this stanza!
Other than that I loved this poem!
Great work!
Phebe

I'm afraid I can't help you with the mechanics of the poem... Poetry not being my strong point and all...

However, I really did like reading it. I was a bit confused as to what the subject of the poem is at all. You have some great imagery and the words just wrap you up in a cocoon, but I am a bit confused as to what this cocoon is. I got bits and pieces, but I wasn't sure how they all added up.

But I will say that I loved the way your words flowed. You spun some great images in my head. Kudos there!

~GryphonFledgling

I owe you this, at least.....
Rickety thing this, but it has some really thought provoking lines. It makes me think of a world of different scenarios and possible poems. But it came out unclear. And the title is......well, I don't know what the core of this poem is based on. Only that something has ended. The voice sounds personal and I can see that your emotions at least are well marshalled here. Enough vague talk-

"A swirling mass of dejections
Printed on the window in the stain
Of forgotten hands, smearing the light."

Alright, so you saw a window nearby and were transfixed by the possible connotations of the blurring effect of a hand-print stain. Brings the theme of the poem- I guess it's one of dejection, lost love mmhmm? Very, very poetic line and as I said it holds a world more of meanings than it seems to. But I never understood dejection and I don't advise anybody to dwell on it. And though poetry can help you analyse your emotions, it is also misleading. Nothing wrong with the lines though.

"A harmful shame, pouring from the
Mouths of feckless youths,
Pushes and pulls, thrusting life from
The multitudes to the singular and back again. "

I had to search for what feckless means but I must say it sets the tone for the poem well. The first two lines just popped off my head. I'm guessing it involves laid back conversations where people don't care what they say and inardvently hurt other's feelings. The second two lines, though dependant on the first, were wonderfully put. Again, worlds of possibilities and "multitudes to the singular" made me want to write a poem myself- wonderful word choice. Clarify the first couple if you like.

"Where is it that these forgotten lie?
Calmly awaiting their endless torture,
An eternity of love, of hate, of emotion
Once lost and never returned?"

What forgotten? I don't see any forgotten. Of course, it has it's meaning to me, it might have its own to you so I'll have to relent that it's fine as it is. The rest of the stanza, I think, has some grammatical error. Can't put a finger on it. And the last two lines are weak compared to the rest. Yes, the lines are suffering under the stare of readers waiting to be twisted into something diabollically cool. Actually, I'd narrow it down to the last line.

"The world waits, endless in time,
Foisting all realisms from their door in
Rash, painful hopes of normality.

The end, one knows, is never enough."

"endless" echoes well with the previous stanza and now i'm finally getting to the core of the thing. Here's what my antennae receive- the poet is feeling dejected by the endless artificialities and throw-away comments and overall the harshness and unfeelingness (?) of the world around her. She forsakes herself to these and hopes for.....normality? The end sounds strange. Foist (yes, i checked it) means to pass off as genuine, valuable etc. So you are passing off as genuine, an inclination towards literal truths. There's something wrong with the sentence again.......the world seems to be foisting realisms at their door. The last line sums it up for you it seems. You don't want to continue with this kind of a life until you die but instead you wnt to live your life in a different way. I might be completely wrong and so you could, not should, tweak a bit to get the meaning throgh. But then I can be dense and other readers might not be. Good job all in all.

A swirling mass of dejections
Printed on the window in the stain
Of forgotten hands, smearing the light.

A harmful shame, pouring from the
Mouths of feckless youths, - ... What does feckless mean?
Pushes and pulls, thrusting life from
The multitudes to the singular and back again.

Where is it that these forgotten lie? - "Lye" not "lie"
Calmly awaiting their endless torture,
An eternity of love, of hate, of emotion
Once lost and never returned?

The world waits, endless in time,
Foisting all realisms from their door in
Rash, painful hopes of normality.

The end, one knows, is never enough.

Dude, if your vocabulary was any bigger your head would explode.
WOW.
Great poem.
So deep, really. Beautifully written, a work of art. Do NOT change anything.
Except "Lie." You can change that. But besides that, this poem is utterly and completely PERFECT. I loved it, personally. And personally you should get it published. Other published poems are pieces of crap compared to this..

GREAT JOB! KEEP WRITING!

Hey thanks everyone for the comments, they're hugely appreciated. ^^

LoveableLittleSock:

Feckless: 1. ineffective; incompetent; futile: feckless attempts to repair the plumbing.
2. having no sense of responsibility; indifferent; lazy.

(as seen in Dictionary.com)

Lie: 3. an inaccurate or false statement. (Dictionary.com)

Lye: 1 : a strong alkaline liquor rich in potassium carbonate leached from wood ashes and used especially in making soap and washing; broadly : a strong alkaline solution (as of sodium hydroxide or potassium hydroxide)
2 : a solid caustic (as sodium hydroxide)

(Mirriam-Websters medical dictionary - from Dictionary.com)

In other words: "lie" is spelt correctly. ^^

Thank you for taking the time to look through this though, and have suggestions, it's appreciated.

Palantalid:

Thank you so much for all the comments.

Lol, I didn't see a window at all, while writing this - I mean there are ones around but I wasn't paying attention to them? Also: It's not really a reflection of my emotions at all, perhaps slightly, but not so overtly. ^^

I'll take your suggestions on board. Thanks so much for reviewing. ^^

Fling, Shanan:

Thanks so much for commenting, I'll take what you've said into account.

Yay **love** for the comments.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Ninja Star! You have some very pretty imagery here, dear and a good use of vocabulary. I think your rhythm could be improved in places and some of the lines are a little rough but generally it's lovely and certainly not cringe worthy.

I think your title is a little weak. Rather than forgotten end, this feels more as if you are saying that the end has become redundant - it is no longer used and therefore not needed but it's desired and sought after? It's not forgotten as such, it's just not there and not possible to attain because as you say the world is endless and so why can't everything else be endless too?

A swirling mass of dejections [Uh...I hope you mean the more common meaning of the word. If so then well used.]
Printed on the window in the stain
Of forgotten hands, smearing the light. [The stanza is lovely. The imagery is very well thought out and I think everyone can relate to it.]

A harmful shame, pouring from the
Mouths of feckless youths,
Pushes and pulls, thrusting life from
The multitudes to the singular and back again. [I'm not quite sure how to interpret this last line. The other three make perfect sense but this one seems a little odd and out of place. Maybe try to be clearer.]

Where is it that these forgotten lie? [I think this line could be improved. Perhaps 'Where can these forgotten relics lie?]
Calmly awaiting their endless torture,
An eternity of love, of hate, of emotion
Once lost and never returned?

The world waits, endless in time,
Foisting all realisms from their door in
Rash, painful hopes of normality.

The end, one knows, is never enough. [A good ending. I like how the poem doesn't feel quite finished and the reader wants an explanation. It's great how it reflects your words! I think it could perhaps have been phrased better though. Maybe 'The end never satisfies the means' or 'The end does not accomplish all' or 'The end will not suffice' I'm not sure. You're good with words, I'm sure you'll think of something XD]

Overall, I think it was a little abstract and confusing in places but generally it's a very pretty poem and you have some great imagery and concepts. I'll try to answer any questions as well as I can. Keep writing!

Sabertooth xx

A swirling mass of dejections
Printed on the window in the stain
Of forgotten hands, smearing the light.

A harmful shame, pouring from the
Mouths of feckless youths,
Pushes and pulls, thrusting life from
The multitudes to the singular and back again.

Alright I am going to start off with these two stanzas here. After "dejections" there should be a comma.
After the word "stain" there should be a period.


"Pouring from the" shouldn't be left on the first line it should start a second line.
Same exact thing with "thrusting life from".

The world waits, endless in time,
Foisting all realisms from their door in
Rash, painful hopes of normality.

The end is forever second best You need a period and this doesn't belong by itself it should be with the last stanza.

Sorry to be rough but that is all. Whew *wipes forehead* LOL. Good job altogether though it was a good poem. If you have any questions about what i critiqued just PM me anytime. But it will take me couple days to get back to you.
But I will get back to you I promise.

Thank you. Have a good day. SimonCowellLuver!!!!!

I think you use too many adjectives.

Observe!

A mass of dejections
Printed on the window in the stain
Of hands, smearing the light.

A shame, pouring from the
Mouths of youths,
Pushes and pulls, thrusting life from
The multitudes to the singular and back again.

Where do the masks lie?
as they await their torture,
They stare into the emotionless,
Forcing clarity from sights.

The world waits, endless in time,
Foisting all realisms from their door in
hopes of normality.

The end is forever second best.

I left some in, just for kicks, but you can see that without the adjectives, it starts to not make sense. That's why they're in there, I guess. But I think that, instead of using adjectives as a crutch to get your poem better, you can use stronger adjectives and verbs.

"Forces" and "thrusts" are rather tired words that don't fully convey something anymore, simply because they are so overused. Torture is too vague... I would go for something more descriptive. Hot wax? Thumbscrews? I don't know. I would look it up and then look for some long horrible torture so that you don't have to use the word "endless." I hate the word "endless." I would rather say something like... well... connotative of Chinese water torture? So I would say something like, "Where do the masks lie as they wait for the drip/drip of the dragon."

I'm making things up. But you can be a lot more clever with words by being much more literal and giving allusions to other cultures and stuff.

So don't be so vague and adjective-y. Instead, be literal and use subtle references that add sustenance to your poem.