The Secret

I just recently started writing this story, and decided to post what I have so far, hoping to get some feedback to improve it. Enjoy

THE SECRET

As I sat on the edge of my window, staring outside, watching the day pass me by. I tried to forget what happened that night, while watching the thick, bumblebee rain drops cover the dark concrete, making it look like a black river, wishing that it would consume me. In front of everyone I pretend to be perfect, like nothing happened, but here, inside my room, was the only place that I could break that perfect facade. Everyone thought I was ok. No one knew the truth. No one ever even bothered to look beyond the surface, but Gram would see right through it, and he would try to get me to tell him what was wrong, but I won’t risk telling him the truth, for fear that he would leave me. So I would say that I have a lot of work to do and that I was just tired. But we both knew I wasn't telling the truth.

I knew that I would never be the same again. I just wanted to go back, and change everything. I never should have gone to that party. There was Know one to blame but myself. I just wanted to forget it all, but I wouldn't. I would never forget. The memory stuck to me like glue. Consuming every last thought I had. My once pleasant dreams now nightmares. It's like an incurable cancer that would soon take my like.

The more I thought about what happened, the crazier I got. I felt the tears stinging my eyes as they ran down my pallid face. I was alone. Oh Gram I thought to myself. The more I thought about telling him what happened, the more I began to cry. I hadn't even told my parent's. They would be so ashamed of me if they found out. I felt a cloud of hate in my heart. It was all my fault. If only if I left when I wanted to, then this would have never happened. I wondered if Gram would still love me. Would he look at me any differently?

I remember the first time I saw him. It was my first day at Athena High. I had just moved from California. Entering my sophomore year. It was about a year, and a half ago, but I remember it as if it were yesterday. It was lunch time, and I was sitting alone on the bleachers right across the football field. It was so peaceful, quite, and it smelled of freshly cut grass. I remember breathing in all the fresh air, and letting myself relax.

I was drawing a portrait on my sketchpad with my professional colored pencils, and that's when it happened, when my life changed for the better. I looked up, and saw a tall, shirtless boy with short dark curly surfer boy hair, with piercing hazel green eyes, and a soccer player's body to kill for. He was breathing heavily as if he had just been jogging. He came, and was taking slow, deep breaths. he reached for a duffel bag from underneath the bleachers that I hadn't realized was there before, and took out a water bottle. He was sitting three benches away from me, so it wasn't that hard to make out his perfect features, from his perfect sharp jaw line, to his slightly crocked nose that fit him perfectly, to his hypnotic cat like eyes that pierced right through you.

I don't blush easily, but watching him made my face heat up. He set the water bottle down, then started looking around. I quickly looked down at my drawing, pretending to be captivated by it. I waited a minute or two before looking back up. But when I did, he wasn't there anymore. Instead he was standing right in front of me. My eyes grew wide, and I jumped back in my seat. He began to laugh, and then apologized for startling me. All I could do was blush. Ever sense then, we've been inseparable.

I left the edge of my window and walked to my bed. I just wanted to sleep, but I couldn't. The memory of what happened that night haunted my dreams. I laid down on the side of my stomach, watching the clock above my desk tick away. The desk was filled with pictures of me and Gram, looking at the pictures filled my heart with guilt, and even more hatred toward myself. I don't like keeping secrets from Gram, but I had to. To save what we have, but I knew deep down that eventually I had to tell him each tick of the clock made me feel even sicker. Each tick got me closer to the fact that I would have to tell Gram what happened. I felt so dirty in my own skin. I felt like I was going to vomit all over the place. I couldn't take it anymore, I couldn't stand myself. I couldn't see or think straight. What's happening? I thought to myself.

I got up from my bed and ran to my bathroom. Next thing I knew I was kneeling over the toilet puking my guts out. I had a splitting headache. I got up all the strength I had and turned on the shower. I took my clothes off and hopped in. It felt as if the steaming hot water washed away all my problems and fears. I must have been in the shower for hours. Even when the water turned icy cold, I stayed in the shower. I felt dead, as if my soul had been taken from me and there was no point for me to live. The guilt penetrating every thought. It was unbearable.

I got out of the shower, but it wasn't me. It was like the lights were on, but nobody was home. I wasn't home. I was dead inside. I looked at myself in the mirror, after putting my clothes on. My once bright green eyes were now red, as well as my nose. I was sure people would mistake me for Rudolf the red-nose- reindeer. My eyes were extremely puffy from all of the crying I didn’t put any effort into my hair, but then again I never had to. My hair always had a cretin glow to it, it radiated in the sun making it look blonder than it really was.

I went back, and sat in the middle of the bed. I have to tell Gram! I thought to myself. It was killing me inside. I can't take it anymore. I have to tell him now. Unthinkingly I got up to get the phone and slowly dialed his number. My hands were trembling. The sound of the hollow ringing made my heart beat faster and faster. Finally, it stopped.

"Hello?'' The sound of his voice made me feel safe inside, like nothing could hurt me; but I was still afraid. "Hey Gram, it's me Kasie,'' My voice was shaky and raspy from all the crying."Oh, hey babe, you ok? You sound like you've been crying''.
I stifled a sniffle so that I wouldn’t confirm his guess

''No, I've just been hangin out in my room. I was just wondering if you could come over.'' I felt as if my heart was going to burst out of my chest. My head was spinning. I was trying as hard as I could to keep my voice in control.

''Yeah sure, my shift ends in half an hour. I'll come as soon as I'm off.'' he said

I tried to take deep breaths through my nose to try and calm myself down. Only half an hour to get everything straight. Only half an hour until the truth comes out.

''sure, ok'' despite my efforts my voice did not sound in control.
'' Are you ok, you sound strange," he said. I knew he would pick up on the fact that something was wrong. I can't hide anything from him. Even if I tried.

Meh! Did I not just comment on here? *hunt for comment* Well then, gist: here I am, shall have a look-see, would you please separate paragraphs with spaces to avoid readers with eyes like : >.< .

I don't think I can read this, sorry!
Maybe think about spacing, Your lines are too close together and it makes it hard for the reviewer to actullly review your work if they can't even read it.
Space it out, okay?
shanan-cat!

As I was reading over my story. I realized that I started a lot of paragraphs with ''I'' and thought that it was really annoying. Sorry about that. I will fix it as soon as I get the chance too.

Here we go!

thick, bumblebee rain drops

lovely image

I pretend to be perfect, like nothing happened, but here, inside my room, was the only place that I could break that perfect facade.

your verb tenses here are a bit confusing, maybe if you shuffled that around a bit…

There was Know one to blame but myself.

Eh?

It's like an incurable cancer that would soon take my like.

Two things: 1) I think you meant “life” not “like.” 2. You’re suddenly in present tense with “it’s,” whereas, up till now, you’ve been in past tense.

I looked up, and saw a tall, shirtless boy with short dark curly surfer boy hair, with piercing hazel green eyes, and a soccer player's body to kill for.

Now, I’m going to be hypocritical here because I do this all the time: you have a lot of adjectives here. A total of 10, if I’m counting things like “surfer boy” as one. You really don’t need that many. Pick between tall and shirtless—which is most important for this particular scene? Choose the most striking one for hair (you might be able to get away with two, but only just, and I’d nix the surfer boy one, for all it’s so cute). Nix the “piercing” and try to pick between “green” and “hazel,” whichever is dominant, and leave the last bit as simply “a body to kill for.”

He was sitting three benches away from me, so it wasn't that hard to make out his perfect features, from his perfect sharp jaw line, to his slightly crocked nose that fit him perfectly, to his hypnotic cat like eyes that pierced right through you.

Ummm…yeah. See above post, please, especially as a lot of this is redundant. In fact, stopping the sentence at “perfect features” would probably be best.

Ever sense then, we've been inseparable.

“since”
Also, you do a lot of physical description of him here, which is enough to understand the initial attraction, but if you want us to really like this guy (and I think you do), you really want to add in some character aspects. Sure he’s gorgeous, but does he have a sense of humor? Is he intelligent, kind, sensitive, honest, patient? In the long run, it’s things like this that keep a girl’s heart more firmly than any green eyes (and that make your character someone we can relate to, although don’t forget to give him flaws).

My once bright green eyes were now red, as well as my nose.

Describing one’s own eyes as “bright green” comes across a tad arrogant, darling. (also, and this has always bugged me so prepare for mini-rant, your eyes don’t actually get red when you cry—they get red rimmed, or, occasionally, bloodshot, but there’s a difference)

My eyes were extremely puffy from all of the crying I didn’t put any effort into my hair, but then again I never had to. My hair always had a cretin glow to it, it radiated in the sun making it look blonder than it really was.

A few things: first, you need a period between “crying” and “I.” Second, the description of the hair comes off a bit proud once more. Third, what is a “cretin glow”?

I know this is really, REALLY long, but I hope it helps!!!

Rock n' Roll Queen wrote:As I sat on the edge of my window, staring outside, watching the day pass me by. I tried to forget what happened that night, while watching the thick, bumblebee rain drops cover the dark concrete, making it look like a black river, wishing that it would consume me.

This sentence is too long, needs to be split up into smaller sentences.

Rock n' Roll Queen wrote:In front of everyone I pretend to be perfect, like nothing happened, but here, inside my room, was the only place that I could break that perfect facade.

You switch tenses in the beginning of this sentence. Change ‘pretend’ to ‘pretended’.

Rock n' Roll Queen wrote:No one ever even bothered to look beyond the surface, but Gram would see right through it, and he would try to get me to tell him what was wrong, but I won’t risk telling him the truth, for fear that he would leave me.

Again, too long a sentence. In order to have such a long sentence, you have to construct it very carefully to keep it from being confusing or long-winded. This was both.

Rock n' Roll Queen wrote:But we both knew I wasn't telling the truth.

‘We both would know.’

Rock n' Roll Queen wrote:There was Know one to blame but myself.

‘There was no one’


You’re beginning is too slow and long. I think you need to jump right into the action to hold on to the reader’s attention through the first couple paragraphs.

You have too much description of your feelings through the first couple paragraphs. Too much time spent describing emotions, and not enough action. Right now we have no clue why ‘the memory stuck to me like glue’ so we really don’t care.

Rock n' Roll Queen wrote:Oh Gram I thought to myself.

The ‘Oh Gram’ needs italics, or quotation marks to set it off.

Rock n' Roll Queen wrote:hadn't even told my parent's.

Should be “parents”.

You NEED to explain what happened somewhere in the beginning! Otherwise, all this emotion, and all the background about Gram, is meaningless. We don’t care, and we need to care, or we give up reading it. Don’t get me wrong, the Gram stuff was good and everything, but if you’re going to concentrate on that so close to the beginning of the story, make that your beginning and then go on to whatever’s going on with the party. (I’m writing this as I’m reading it, so these are all my very first impressions)

Rock n' Roll Queen wrote:Entering my sophomore year.

NO FRAGMENTS! You can only use these in the rarest of occasions when nothing else will be effective. It is not necessary here. Also, in the beginning of that same paragraph, you have a lot of short sentences, giving it a choppy style. I’d combine some of them.

Rock n' Roll Queen wrote:a tall, shirtless boy with short dark curly surfer boy hair, with piercing hazel green eyes

1)Your adjectives need to be set off by commas. “short, dark, curly, surfer boy hair” However, I’d get rid of the comma between ‘hair’ and ‘with’. 2) you have too many adjectives to begin with, even with the commas to separate. Pick between ‘tall’ and ‘shirtless’, and maybe keep two, at the most, or the hair adjectives.

Rock n' Roll Queen wrote: he reached for a duffel bag

capitalize

Rock n' Roll Queen wrote:to his slightly crocked nose that fit him perfectly, to his hypnotic cat like eyes

1) you meant ‘crooked’, right? 2) make it ‘cat-like’ or ‘catlike’

Rock n' Roll Queen wrote:Ever sense then, we've been inseparable.

1) ‘Ever since then’ 2) This is abrupt. Put in a bit more conversation before you go right to them being inseparable. Actually establish a connection between them.

Rock n' Roll Queen wrote: I laid down on the side of my stomach

Should be ‘lay down.’

Rock n' Roll Queen wrote:The desk was filled with pictures of me and Gram, looking at the pictures filled my heart with guilt, and even more hatred toward myself.

RUN-ON SENTENCE!

Rock n' Roll Queen wrote:I don't like keeping secrets from Gram, but I had to

You switch tenses again.

Rock n' Roll Queen wrote:To save what we have, but I knew deep down that eventually I had to tell him each tick of the clock made me feel even sicker.

You start this sentence with a fragment ‘to save what we have’.

Rock n' Roll Queen wrote: What's happening? I thought to myself.

Again, you need to set off her thoughts with italics or quotation marks or something.

Rock n' Roll Queen wrote:I got up all the strength I had

“Got up” Something’s not right there. You need to change that phrase.

Rock n' Roll Queen wrote:The guilt penetrating every thought.

ANOTHER fragment?

Rock n' Roll Queen wrote:My eyes were extremely puffy from all of the crying I didn’t put any effort into my hair, but then again I never had to.

Another run-on you need to fix. Also, I’d take out ‘extremely’. It’s unnecessary clutter.

Rock n' Roll Queen wrote:My hair always had a cretin glow to it, it radiated in the sun making it look blonder than it really was.

1)ANOTHER RUN-ON! What’s up? 2) what’s a cretin glow?

Rock n' Roll Queen wrote:I have to tell Gram! I thought to myself.

Again, italics or quotation marks for the thoughts.

Rock n' Roll Queen wrote:I can't take it anymore. I have to tell him now.

You switched tenses again. Your whole story is in past tense.

Rock n' Roll Queen wrote:I tried to take deep breaths through my nose to try and calm myself down.

Get rid of the ‘to try’. You already said ‘tried’, so make it just ‘to calm myself down.’


[/quote="Rock n' Roll Queen"]''sure, ok''[/quote] capitalize

Rock n' Roll Queen wrote:'' Are you ok, you sound strange," he said.

Make it “Are you okay? You sound strange,”

Rock n' Roll Queen wrote:I can't hide anything from him.

Again, it has to be past tense in order to be consistent.


Thinking back, maybe it’s not so bad hearing about her feelings about whatever had happened and then getting the background, but I don’t know, it bothered me. It didn’t even really have a lot of suspense, just frustration. Give us a little bit more of an idea of what happened, or more of an idea of where and when, besides just the extremely vague reference to a party.
But, on the good side, you did manage to keep my attention despite that. I kept reading.

Hope this helped. Keep more coming!


*adna*

Hold on, why is this in the nonfiction section?

Moved to Other Fiction.

As I sat on the edge of my window, staring outside, watching the day pass me by.

Would sound better as something like: As I sat on the edge of my window, I stared outside, watching the day pass me by.

There was Know one to blame but myself

No one

he reached for a duffel bag from underneath the bleachers that I hadn't realized was there before, and took out a water bottle

he needs to be capitalized.

This was... okay. I was a little bored, I guess. And there were way too many mistakes in there, sorry. And spacing, I've learned, is a huge thing at YWS.