A man changed by a boy

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The Boy that Made a Difference

As we all know, burglars and thieves take money and valuable belongings from us to get drugs and payments they owe paid. But what happens when a small boy changes a thief from these thoughts? How is that possible? This is a story of an average robbery, just changed by an unlikely source.
The story begins as Gerald, a 10-year-old; boy just goes to a mall to meet his friends. Nothing seems strange and they just go walking around checking out new toys and electronics. No one buys anything.
They decide to sit down and talk in the benches where people rest. Gerald sets down his bag after walking, and starts the conversation. After half an hour or so, an unsuspecting robber goes full speed at Gerald’s bag.
“ Heh, Heh! Stupid little kid doesn’t know how to watch his stuff! Now to get the goods!” says the robber. Of course mall security saw this so they were running, but that wasn’t what stopped the robber.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you”, says Gerald. “You can take the bag, but there will be no benefit if you do. I have a game system, which is worthless to you and a phone on low battery with 2 minutes left. You won’t be able to sell or use anyone of them because they are both used, also if you don’t want them, why would anyone else?” Gerald’s friends were shocked with amazement, tangled with confusion, and scared, for the robber was armed. Everyone was speechless. Gerald continued.
“I am young so my art in that bag will not grant you a penny. I have a bag of school supplies that will get you nowhere. I have no valuable things to help you. To you, I am nothing.” The robber was now frightened of this boys words. He didn’t understand that the boy was also scared and only wanted to show he is innocent, to the robber, and the other citizens. He released his partner in crime: his gun.
“Stop talking! Shut up, shut up, shut up!! Quit being stupid! Where’s your money!? If you don’t tell me I’ll shoot! And if that doesn’t scare you, I’ll shoot your friends first!” The robber couldn’t take this information. He was exploding and twisted with anger and confusion.
Calmly, Gerald said, “You can shoot me first. But you will not get any riches from us because we have no money. My friends and I just came to look around. If you shoot, you will not only not get money, but you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life, with a huge regret and grudge that you will burden. If I die, I will have no regret because I have my friends right now and I have lived a happy life. If you want to have even the slightest chance of being someone like me, drop the gun. Start a new and better life.”
The robber was exchanging looks every second: from an angry nightmare, a forlorn person, to crying. He dropped the gun and turned himself in. The robber was touched by the boy as well as listened to him. The robber’s crusty heart turned warm and loveable.
The criminal was sentenced to 3 years in prison: 1 for attempting burglary, 1 for threatening to kill, and one for attempting to steal from a child (this goes with the burglary). They would of given him more, but straight out, the robber said he did attempt to rob.
The robber got out in about 2.7 years and then lived better than he did before the incident. He remembered what the boy had said his whole life.
The boy touched the new father’s life.
THE END

:cry:




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Honestly I only skimmed through this :oops: but I caught the boy's message and that was very touching. A writer needs to have those type of moments.
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.




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On your next piece, maybe avoid the cliches. The message and the ending, it's all a bit much. Your heart's in the right place, but a story can illustrate a lesson in more subtle ways.




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You should break this up to get more reviews. Also, in the rules it says you have to review two works and keep your reviews to post ratio 2:1. I'm going to review it still anyways...I'll show you how to break it up and make changes, too.

darkcloud wrote:As we all know, burglars and thieves take money and valuable belongings from us to get drugs and payments they owe. But what happens when a small boy changes a thief from these thoughts? How is that possible? This is a story of an average robbery, just changed by an unlikely source.

The story begins as Gerald, a ten-year-old. A boy who just goes to a mall to meet his friends. Nothing seems strange and they just go walking around checking out new toys and electronics. No one buys anything.

They decide to sit down and talk in the benches where people rest. Gerald sits down his bag after walking, and starts the conversation. After half an hour or so, an unsuspecting robber goes full speed at Gerald’s bag.

“ Heh, Heh! Stupid little kid doesn’t know how to watch his stuff! Now to get the goods!” says the robber. Of course mall security saw this so they were running, but that wasn’t what stopped the robber.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you”, says Gerald. “You can take the bag, but there will be no benefit if you do. I have a game system, which is worthless to you and a phone on low battery with 2 minutes left.[How is he able to know how many minutes are left on a low battery? I know I never know...] You won’t be able to sell or use anyone of them because they are both used, also if you don’t want them, why would anyone else?”

Gerald’s friends were shocked with amazement, tangled with confusion, and scared, for the robber was armed. Everyone was speechless. Gerald continued.

“I am young so my art in that bag will not grant you a penny. I have a bag of school supplies that will get you nowhere. I have no valuable things to help you. To you, I am nothing.”

The robber was now frightened of this boys words. He didn’t understand that the boy was also scared and only wanted to show he is innocent, to the robber, and the other citizens. He released his partner in crime: his gun.

“Stop talking! Shut up, shut up, shut up!! Quit being stupid! Where’s your money!? If you don’t tell me I’ll shoot! And if that doesn’t scare you, I’ll shoot your friends first!” The robber couldn’t take this information. He was exploding and twisted with anger and confusion.

Calmly, Gerald said, “You can shoot me first. But you will not get any riches from us because we have no money. My friends and I just came to look around. If you shoot, you will not only not get money, but you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life, with a huge regret and grudge that you will burden. If I die, I will have no regret because I have my friends right now and I have lived a happy life. If you want to have even the slightest chance of being someone like me, drop the gun. Start a new and better life.”

The robber was exchanging looks every second, from an angry nightmare, a forlorn person, to crying. [This made no sense to me] He dropped the gun and turned himself in. The robber was touched by the boy as well as listened to him. The robber’s crusty heart turned warm and lovable.

The criminal was sentenced to three years in prison, one for attempting burglary one for threatening to kill, and one for attempting to steal from a child (this goes with the burglary). They would of given him more, but straight out, the robber said he did attempt to rob.

The robber got out in about 2. 7years [This makes no sense in regular years, maybe two-and-a-half would be better] and then lived better than he did before the incident. He remembered what the boy had said his whole life.
The boy touched the new father’s life.

THE END


I found this story to be a bit hard to believe. A robber wouldn't try to rob a child in broad daylight, in a crowded mall with a gun. Random people would probably try to be heroes and take the robber down. Also, I find it a bit hard to believe that he would even want to steal from a child when there are probably rich men walking around with Rolexes and valuables in their pockets. You also use colons a lot and it would be better for you to change them to commas or just nix them all together. The story was nice and happy, but it's hard to believe. Also, a D.A. would so put the robber until jail for at least ten years for armed robbery the jury wouldn't be too sympathetic being that he did try to rob a child. But that's jut my two cents...it's a rough story with a few plot holes that need to be covered, but the premise is sweet.
Maybe you should kiss someone nice or lick a rock, or both - Regina Spektor




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um, thank you for the comments?




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Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 5
I enjoyed the story but I would like to say that it's too short. You could expand the story into about five pages. I think you could give us some of the robber's perspective and expand Gerald's perspective. Your story is good and has a great moral witha lot of potential if you would only add more. Your story only lets me see on the surface. So if you rewrite take us under the water and let us empathize with your characters.



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