Survival of the Extinct Chapter 1

-undergoing major reconstruction, check back later-

Hey! This was a good start! But still... raptors? C'mon! T-Rex's are soooooo much cooler!

Anyway, my personal life to the side:

It was very intriguing. I like the whole 'dinosaur' thing that you have going on. *high fives* And I like it because it's about carnivorous. Herbivores are really stupid, I think. No teeth to fight with... yeah. Stop blabbering!

One thing that made me go, "Ugh" inside is your talking. I'm not quite sure about it. You make it seem as if they are human teenagers. They're not. They're dinosaurs. But dinos' don't talk. Gah. I'm making no sense.

It's just that the dialogue really bummed me out. But it adds loads of personality. So, I'm kinda so-so with it.

You had a HUGE info dump, and you know it. But, still, it kinda worked out. You didn't overload us with very much information. Just enough to get us informed.

Well done, Cat! I'll be looking for more!

-Jared

Well I'm going to try to be as critical as possible because I guess that's the point.

before I do big bad wolf, I'd like to point out that t-Rex's don't hunt in packs and would therefore have been ill suited to the story.


p.s I am intrigued by Norse mythology too!

Well I think your story was generally very well described, you made a few minute spelling mistakes but nothing major.
While it is incredibly easy to read and get into I suggest you have a look over it for those little bits that snag which seem all the more obvious when you're this good!

The story was fluid, very lifelike and it held my imagination.
I have to say i have never seen anything like it other than -shudder-
'the land before time' but that takes a whole different approach!
As for the speech I'll admit it seemed awkward but I can see this being a modern day jungle book.
The animals don't have to talk all mighty and exquisitely for you to get the picture, you can do this with as it was put 'teens speak'
and esp~ if you are aiming for a teen audience.
(if not I'd suggest changing only that!)


I think this is excellent at your age!
Most have difficult with the structure never mind the story!
KEEP IT UP!

Hi there, Cat!

You requested, so here I am!

From behind a thick wall of springy ferns and broad-leafed plants stared a pair of intense eyes. They were mine; and they were hungry.

The first sentence is kind of adjective-heavy. Meaning that you say it's a THICK wall of SPRINGY ferns and BROAD-LEAFED plants and INTENSE eyes, and that's kind of purple. You would benefit from combing through this phrase and deciding which adjectives are necessary for the mental image.

Also, the second sentence is kind of iffy. The semicolon should be a comma, unless you change it to: They were mine; they were hungry.

I shifted my weight backwards although I was fairly sure no Herbivores could see us through the dense forage.

Comma after 'backwards'.

I clicked my killing claw decisively and then let out a low commanding trill, signaling the attack.

Comma after 'low'.

I lowered my head to the ground, my arms trailing in the grass, blades tickling my nostrils and placed my hind legs carefully, not wanting to startle the herd.

There's something kinda weird about this sentence. Maybe you should change it to: I lowered my head to the ground, my ams trailing in the grass, blades tickling my nostrils as I placed my hind legs carefully, not wanting to startle the herd.

“Velociraptors!” a Gallimimus shrieked and the herd stampeded.

It's kind of a matter of opinion, but I think a comma after 'shrieked' would help the flow.

My pack was relieved when the Iguanodons took off; their thumbs left scratches that stung for weeks, unlike most injuries we sustained.

You can avoid a passive voice here and attain a more active one by showing that your pack is relieved instead of telling. Even something as simple as 'my pack breathed a sigh of relief' would be better.

I wasn’t surprised when the herd leader, a nearly extinct long-necked Titanosaurus, dropped back flanked by three feisty Triceratops.

Comma after 'back'.

“Sickly Gallimimus 10 o’clock,” I clicked and the pack dropped into a flat out sprint, evading the triceratops.

I think there should be an 'at' after 'Gallimimus'... either that or a comma.

I felt immensely proud, we really were elite. (We were all part of Brozen’s elite hunting scout pack)

Firstly, the comma after 'proud' should be a semicolon. And secondly, there's something off-putting about the bit in brackets Maybe you should find a less tell-y way of putting it, and I think you should avoid the brackets all together.

Carnivores weren’t all that affectionate unless it was with their mate and the only mated pare among us were Juno and Atreus.

Comma after 'mate' and 'pare' should be 'pair'.

“It’ll hold us over,” Juno noted, “Besides we won’t catch anything else in that stampede.”

Comma after 'Besides', methinks.

“Time to report to Brozen?” Loki clicked uncertainly, he was always uneasy about that part.

Replace the comma after 'uncertainly' with either a semicolon or a period.

Zya brushed her tail against him to settle his nerves.

I thought carnivores weren't very affectionate?

“Yeah,” I admitted reluctantly, “Besides, its nearly dark-time and we have to be back with the pack.”
[/quote]

'its' should be: it's.

We turned and headed towards the Rhishtia mountain range where the pack lived.

Maybe 'Rhishtia' should be in italics, since it's a foreign word?

She lay on the ground and Juno reached down his head to touch hers.

There's something awkward about that sentence... maybe reword it a little?

They had been together two mating seasons, older than the rest of the troop who hadn’t seen one mating season yet.

Comma after 'troop'.

I never liked going through the tunnel because the rain collected above it and dripped inside, leaving an eerie clammy feeling.

Comma after 'eerie'.

The click of our killing claws echoed throughout the damp chamber as we entered it, disturbing the puddles of rain that had collected.

You refer to their claws as 'killing claws' quite a bit. Repeated descriptions are tedious to read, so you might want to get rid of 'killing'.

We followed the tunnel through a right turn, then a left until we came upon another arch like hole that opened into a large chamber.

'arch like' should be hyphenated.

A small rockslide near the ceiling had caused a skylight that lit up the grassy oval.

I don't think 'rockslide' is a word. Maybe hyphenate it, or make it two separate words?

There were several spacious caves cut into the massive slabs of rock all around the chamber.

This sounds kind of choppy. You might be able to fix that by explaining the use of these caves.

Brozen appeared from the shadows of his rocky cave with his mate Sanai, “Tage! How was your hunt?”

Comma after 'mate'.

I will be leading the hunt as usual, Tage will lead her elite scouting group ahead of us.

I think the comma should be a semicolon, or you should put an 'and' after 'usual'.

It was round and secluded but large enough for all for of us.

Comma after 'secluded'.

I sunk to the ground and stretched into a comfortable position with my head on a rock.

'sunk' shoudl be 'sank'? I'm not sure...

Zya lay down next to me and Loki and Lathe took their spots across from us.

Maybe you should say 'their usual spots' to indicate that that's where they usually rest.

Zya’s tail was curled comfortably around mine, her large eyes closed for once.

I thought carnivores weren't affectionate except as mates?

I snorted at the memory, Zya was small and energetic with a slim body and a smooth head.

Comma after 'memory' = semicolon, or: I snorted at the memory -- Zya was small and energetic, with a slim body and a smooth head.

She was a softer color than the rest of us and we all treated her like a little sister, especially Lathe who was in fact her brother. And lately Loki had shown a little more interest in her. Well, I told myself, it was nearing mating season and it was typical for a member of a pack to mate one of their hunting partners because they knew them so well.

I glanced at Loki, who was on his back with his head thrust back, a snarling snore sounding when he breathed. He had always been a weird one. Loki had a very angular head, large eyes, and an unusually stocky body. He was nervous but dependable on a hunt, and he was careful which I needed sometimes. We got overexcited a lot but Loki kept us in check. He and Zya would be together this mating season, I was sure of it. A third of my pack paired off. Leaving just me and Lathe…

It seems kind of obvious here that you're trying to fill us in about the characters. But, as it is, it's kind of info-dumpy and not very interesting to read. You might want to shorten these paragraphs and spread out this information during the story. For example, show the reader that Loki is nervous but dependable on a hunt in a hunting scene, don't just tell us now.

He had a well-formed head that balanced out his sleek powerful body, a pride of breeding in the herd.

Comma after 'sleek'.

A perfectly formed hunting machine. Those were rare.

I think it should be: A perfectly formed hunting machine -- those were rare.

I was proud to have him in my pack, he was a good hunter.

Comma = semicolon, methinks.

He growled softly, “You are so annoying Tage.”

Comma after 'annoying'.

I looked over, it was always interesting to watch her wake up.

Comma = semicolon.

Then he spotted Zya, “ZYA!! What was that for?”

Ack! Don't use multiple exclamation points in fiction.

“C’mon sleepyhead, we’re headin to the lake,” I clicked.

Apostrophe after the N in 'headin': headin'.

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Overall, this is good. It's interesting and your characterization is pretty good, although the dinosaurs seem almost too colloquial. As in, all those slang terms and casual dialogue don't seem very dinosaur-ish.

I think you can make your imagery more powerful by using all five senses when describing things. For example, in the beginning, describe the heat of the sun on their scales, the scents flooding their nostrils. You savvy?

Also, I'm no dino expert, but according to my spell-check, half the herbivores' names don't exist. Did you invent them, or what?
On the topic of dinosaurs, I think you should do some research. So far, there isn't anything really weird, but you might want to look into where the dinosaurs lived and whatnot. Even though it's fantasy, it's good to have some cold hard facts.

Yes. This is promising; I'll be looking out for the next bit. PM me when it's posted!

Cheers,
Camille xx

My word to describe this piece was interesting. Maybe it's just me, but I thought it got kind of boring throughout. But then again I'm not a big dinosaur person, so that may be it.

I give you point for creativity, though. I liked how they communicated by clicks and sounds. That was neat.

Moving on to your use of the english language...

“Sickly Gallimimus 10 o’clock,”
I don't think that in this particular time era that clocks had even been invented. And would dinosuars even know which direction ten o'clock is?

“Yeah,” I admitted reluctantly.
This is way too modern of a word to use. "Yes," would be better. I noticed that you used "yeah" a few times. Might want to go back and revise that.

I didn't really notice anything else. It bothered me when you used C'mon and headin', etc. Donisuars existed a LONG time ago, and our slang weren't even thought up yet. How would they know to use it? For this type of story I would use whole worgs, like "going" instead of "heading".

There were a few other phrases but I can't remember and I don't have time to go back.

On a more postive note, I really did, in general, like it. It wasn't bad.

Keep writing.

thanks for the comments everyone! i think im going to scratch this and start over, with a more dino feel. thanks again!

-awaits expectantly-

I thought I already reviewed this! Ah well, I read it, then had to leave the house, I think.

I will definitely review it when you post it again!

Sorry. >.>

~Azila~