Symosis Chapter 1-Part 1

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Well i'm back :D
And forever this time
No more banning for me!
So here is what i worked on while i was gone
I redesigned the pre-chapter which was known as my prolouge
I also wrote part 1 of chapter 1(there will be 4 parts)
Reason i haven't wrote much else is i've been real busy
Anyway here it is :D


Symosis
Pre-Chapter
Energy…everything in the world is made up of energy.
Mass…everything in the world is made of mass.
This world is no different.

A way to create energy has been created, a way to destroy it.
Energy being processed into mass to create objects, this is what we call Symosis.

In 2011 a weapon was created that would change the world forever.
Doctor Mark Sezzler invented a machine called the Symositor.
This machine helped create products without the use of papers or plastics. This helped solved natural resource problems in America.

In 2014 Mark Sezzler created another invention.
They called them Symos Gloves.
These gloves allowed the once previous Symositor to be portable.
Many problems began to arise in the U.S. Criminals used the Symos Gloves to rob banks and steal.
War broke out when terrorist smuggled Symos Gloves into India.
There they were shipped all across the world causing chaos.

In 2017, a young boy named Alka lived in the city of Akamu (Ah-Kam-U). This city was separated from the world; so far from civilization they had never seen a human being.
They had each other, they developed and there village grew larger and became its own independent city.
The citizens of Akamu became suspicious of the outside world…what was around them…if anyone existed besides them.
This curiosity developed into what they now call Scouters.
Certain people could become Scouters and were chosen to scout the outside area and map it.
Hundreds of miles away, only trees, mountains, valleys, and lakes; Endless it seemed.

They have never discovered anything to this day…147 years after the city was built. People began to worry and started to leave the village.
Now no one was allowed to leave the city except the Scouters.
Alka was too young to become a Scouter, but it was his dream to leave his city. It would come sooner then he thought.



Chapter 1
Decisions
Alka’s head hit the rough forest floor. His left leg had got caught in the root of a tree. His head pulsed and fear rushed threw him.
He quickly stood up and removed his foot that was entangled in the roots. He looked back and saw nothing, but ran faster.
A shoot fired and skinned the dip of his shoulder; he stumbled but continued to run.
He was bleeding, but he couldn’t look he had to run.
More bullets fire, one, missed his leg hitting the dirt.
Two, hit a tree to his left. Three, this one hit his foot. He fell to the ground, tears falling down his face.

His attacker approached him; his face was filled with a scary happiness.

“Well well what do we have here, a little boy of a different species huh”
Alka’s face became tense, tears still rushing down his face.

“Hmm look at those ear’s so sharp,” he said as pointed his gun at Alka’s head.

The gun fired. Alka lifted his head, the bullet stood still inches from his nose. A large blur was in front of him, like an invisible force. His eyes lit up, he knew what it was.

The strange blur changed, revealing a man.
This man was wearing blue body amour and carried a steel sword.
His hand was out in front of Alka’s face, the bullet stood still in front of his hand. The bullet dropped to the ground.
Immediately the large man threw his fist into the attacker.
His body went flying backward, his body making impact with a large tree. His neck snapped and he fell to the ground dead.

“Alka are you alright,” He nodded and tried to stand.
He was halfway up when he fell back down.

“Your foot has been hit, here let me carry you.”
Alka’s was lifted into the arms of his hero.
He smiled the whole way back to the village.
Alka awoke in his bed, a bandage around his heel where the bullet had hit. He looked around; the room was empty except for his bed.
The door opened and a doctor and an old man with a large white beard entered.

“Hello Alka, I hope you are doing well.” He nodded saying not a word.

“Cairn said you were attacked by a man with a strange weapon” He nodded again.

“Please Alka we need you to tell us where he came from.”
Alka lowered his head, slowing bring it up again he shoke his head no.
The old man sighed.

“He must be tired, we should let him rest and talk to him later,”

The old man and the doctor left the room. Alka laid down in his bed, he covered himself up in his sheets and drifted to sleep.[End]


I know there are some problems i hope no grammer ones!
but i should have the rest of the chapter done very soon as i am off school the rest of next week :D
P.S. Super happy to be back!




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Welcome back once again! Just wanted to say CAN'T WAIT UNTIL YOU WRITE MORE!!!! And keep me posted cuz I wanna know what happens!!!! It's a great story and I wanna know more!!!
We're meant to be one
I know we are...
If I am the Sky
Then you are my star... ™




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Hey Derek, welcome back: again...

Okay, I need to talk to you about this opening.

Energy…everything in the world is made up of energy.
Mass…everything in the world is made of mass.
This world is no different.

A way to create energy has been created, a way to destroy it.
Energy being processed into mass to create objects, this is what we call Symosis.


Darling, as much as I love my Science teacher, there is no need to imitate them in literature. Energy and mass: this is science fiction, so I understand why you should be talking about it, but not at the very beginning.

Plus, why use "the world", then "This world"? It doesn't make a lot of sense. Are you implying that there is more than one world. Expaaaand... (did you see what I did there? huh, huh?)

Okay.

Then you go into a history lecture. People get bored when you hand them a list of dates. People fall asleep in history class. I don't, but people do. Dates, cold hard facts presented like this will put people off.

Also I have a personal bone to pick:

This machine helped create products without the use of papers or plastics. This helped solved natural resource problems in America.


This is gonna make me go "Selfish Yanks." You're on an international site. Don't create bad feeling :D.

And again "This helped solve natural...Zzz..." History lecture.

Make your prose more interesting. Show us, don't tell us...

The example I would love to make is "The Secret Countess" by Eva Ibbotson. She describes what happened a few of the events in World War I beautifully. I can't type the whole thing up, but: "And then the archduke with the face of an ill-tempered bullfrog and the charming wife who had so dearly and unaccountably loved him were assassinated at Sarajevo."

That's history. But it's showing us the scene, not telling us the dates, what happened... etc. Do you see what I'm getting at?

There were a few grammar mistakes I noticed too... especially in you dialogue. Make sure that you have the right punctuation in dialogue, otherwise it doesn't flow. If it's a question, question mark. If someone takes a breath in a middle of a sentence, for instance, after the word "Well," put a comma in.

EG

Well I don't think we should go to Reykjavik Wilhemina said because

should be:

"Well, I don't think we should go to Reykjavik," Wilhemina said. "Because-"

Obviously your mistakes weren't that terrible, but I'm stressing the importance of paying attention to those details.

Also

More bullets fire, one, missed his leg hitting the dirt.


But then he says it was a strange weapon. This is another case of telling us, not showing us. For instance, you could have said something along the lines of

"Alka felt some small object whizz by his leg, but he had no time to wonder what it was. Strange noises came from behind them and he could see more, strange, round objects in the surrounding trees."

Okay, that was terrible. But do you see what I'm getting at? This is your main problem. Personally, I reckon, to eliminate them, practise writing first person. You don't have to show it to anyone. But just put yourself in your character's shoes.

I know some people hate writing from certain persepectives, and some people may give out to me for suggesting that, but in truth I think it might help you.

Hope I've been of help! PM me if you feel the need to!
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




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Lol I see you're back... And next time I won't try to do your dirty work for you!! Ok, I will...but ya know. I really have nothing to say about your piece because I've already critiqued it and you didn't like what I said!!! It's ok, though. And what do you mean, you're out of school the rest of the week?
Death is no respecter of persons. Just felt like saying that.



Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
— Martin Luther King Jr.