Incapacitated

In the midst of solitude,
In the darkness and silence,
I tried to hide the pain,
The sorrow and bitterness.
I tried hiding it deep within,
Foolishly believing
That if I hid it deep enough,
Maybe it would cease to exist.
Too late did I realize,
That I couldn’t hide it,
No more than I can forget you,
No more than I could forget myself.

I hate to say it, but this poem is a giant cliché in verse. You might want to ask yourself some questions about what you want to say: why is this your poem? Right now, I bet thousands of teenagers have written a poem just like this. Make it unique, make it specifically yours.

It's also not too poetic which keeps me from feeling what the speaker is feeling, associating with the speaker, all of that. Try using metaphors to describe it. "It is like..." Imagery, as well, all of the senses: taste, touch, smell, hear, and sight. What does it taste like to be there? What does it smell like? Don't just tell us what it is like, and explain it to us.

This is written like a letter to the "you" person, to the person who the speaker is speaking too, and not for the audience, not for readers. You need to figure out what you want to do with this: is this for the "you", or for the audience?

Also! Word choice is important. Here is an article that will help you out: Right Word, Right Time by Cade.

Good luck! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

I liked it, but Suzanne is right.

This poem is cliche. this sort of poem is done too many times, which kind of makes me sad because that means a lot of people are depressed.

anyway, I agree with Suzanne, you should follow her advice.


Keep writing,


Risa

This is an example of all people's eventual inability to face themselves. It's great to be able to see these things and put it into such well woven words.

In the midst of solitude,
In the darkness and silence,
I tried to hide the pain,
The sorrow and bitterness.
I tried hiding it deep within,
Foolishly believing
That if I hid it deep enough,
Maybe it would cease to exist.
Too late did I realize,
That I couldn’t hide it,
No more than I can forget you,
No more than I could forget myself.

Wow. I guess it was well written but like Suzanne said I have read countless others like it. Darkness... hiding... you should add to this. I mean, it has no real meaning. You're said because your not with a person anymore. No offense really, i mean the poem itself is okay, but (yawn). Add to this poem, give it a more original character. Talk abuot the person you lost, talk about yorur experience in hiding away.
KEEP WRITING.