My Brother Has A Gun

this was beautiful

WOW. This was really good.
Spelling.....
I know everyone has said that but yeah.
I loved it though.
It was kind of scary and really intense.
)))

Hmm.

You have a mix of responses here, don't you? Unfortuately you have to realise that the people who are complimenting you really don't know what they're talking about. But hey, we learn to expect that.

The problem with this (the main one, at any rate) it that it ignores anything that might make it poetic. Language, rhythm, meter: you've just thrown words down on a page without thinking about any of these. Yes, you've got a spirited idea, but this simply isn't poetry. Beautiful and moving? I'm afraid not.

you can't spell worth beans

HAHAHA Hilarious.

So I agree with snoink--You MUST MUST MUST add something interesting to this, character development, something--otherwise this would be an endless, boring breakfast bowl.

And you must listen to backgroundbob--I mean, he IS the website's master of poetry.

Mmm, if only - I think Brad takes those honours, myself.

Wow. This kind of makes you feel weird when you read it, but in a good way. I have a sibling too, and to imagine him or her doing something like this is crazy.
Anyway, this poem gives us an insight on what it would be like to be the sister or brother of one of those high school shooting guys that have been popping up lately.
Thanks for writing this.

i really enjoyed reading this

it was beautiful!!

hey guys thanks for commenting on this!
i finally got a chance to edit the problems and make it longer!!
hope you like this and please if it needs something more tell me!!!

moon14 wrote:My brother has a gun,
I saw myself.

He isn't fun anymore,
he doesn't sleep.

Wierd people pick on him now,
I'm to small all I can do is watch.

My brother has a gun,
he aimed it at the t.v. once.

It makes me wander,
does he know how?

Does he know how to shoot the gun,
will he shoot the gun?

My brother has a gun,
I try to stay away from him now.

I can't look at him in the eyes,
they aren't bright and filled with fun.

Only dark with hatred,
or clouded with confusion.

One day I heard him say,
he was going to use the gun.

My brother has a gun,
want somebody listen?

He took it to school today,
his face was emotionless.

I heard screaming outside,
then came the gunshots.

It was over,
I knew I would never see him again.

My brother has a gun,
he shot sixteen people.

He shot himself to,
I had to watch him do it.

I miss my brother,
I know I could have stopped him,
I should have told somebody.

My brother,
had a gun.

You're telling us everything! I tried to re-write it, sticking close to what you have here, but it didn't turn out so well:

My Brother Had a Gun

His eyes are turning purple in the corners,
The skin beneath beginning to sag.
Outside, the bat and ball grow tangled in the weeds,
left to rot months ago.

I watch him closely. Strange people approach
Him, flip his hat off his head,
Shove him in the streets,
Knock whatever he carries onto the floor.

He aimed his gun at the TV once.
Does he know how to use it?
The thought flashed with my eyes.
I left him aiming at the TV, and locked my bedroom door.

His eyes are always empty and full.
Empty of thoughts
Full of hate.
When we walk down the hall,
my shoulder never leaves the wall.

He took his gun to school one day.
I was too small to challenge him on it,
To ask him why and risk his rage.
But his eyes were blank, not even full.
I almost said something, the words were on my teeth,
I had opened my mouth and taken the breath
When he looked at me.
I shut my mouth and looked away.

My class was interrupted that day.
Seventeen people dead,
And my brother was to blame.
My brother was dead,
And I didn’t say anything.

I actually hate it. But it does something right. It doesn't tell anything. By talking about the bags under his eyes, you let your readers know he hasn't been sleeping, or at least not sleeping well. The Narrator gets up, walks out of the living room, and locks her bedroom door. That there tells us how she's feeling. Instead of saying she felt this way or that way, have her do something a person who felt that way would do.

While I really don't like my version at all, I think that when it comes to showing, it does an okay job. In any case, showing her sticking as close to the wall as possible when she's walking with him, locking him out of her room, looking away when he looks at her, those all show her feelings better than "I try to stay away from him now."

Also, the title tells what the poem's about. If you have it as 'My Brother Had/Has a Gun' then you don't need to tell us he had/has a gun in the poem. You can just start the poem talking about your brother, and using imagery and description to show rather than tell.

I liked it. I am also, going to go against the flock to say: I think that your use of structure and stanza were very clever. The narration is from a small child it seems, and the simplicity reflects this.
Wel done

~Kris~

Hello!

I have to admit that I laughed when I was reading this. And it's a good thing. The story itself wasn't something to laugh at, but it was so simple and... I don't know, like you were explaining this to a bunch of little children (which we are, but still).

Weird isn't spelt wierd, wonder isn't spelt wander, too isn't spelt to, won't isn't spelt want. (if that's what you meant)

I know that this isn't maybe the elite of poems, but I kind of liked it, still. I just hope that you had humour in your mind when you wrote this, despite the story. If you didn't, well... I don't know what you could do anymore.

I don't know what to think anymore.


Demeter xx

Spelling and grammar are a big part of this. Make sure you double, triple, and quadruple check before you post something.

I found a couple errors which I will take care of now.

Wierd people pick on him now,

I'm to small all I can do is watch.

Weird is spelled wrong.
Also, to, is too.

My brother has a gun, he aimed it at the TV once.

With this line you could just add a semicolon.
My brother has a gun; he aimed it at the TV once.

I am sure there are more, but they didn't stick out that much to me.

I thought the poem dragged a bit, and I felt it just didn't keep my attention. I also liked the end, but if the other parts aren’t strong, the end will not hold up. I really think you have something here. Keep working!

Josh

I loved it. I liked you depth of thinking to write this poem. I also like the progression of the events. You didn't put everything in one shot. I also like how you put it in a little kid's perpsective. Since she doesn't know as much as a older person it gives off more of an effect, I think. I liked how you used two-lined stanzas. Some spelling errors though.

Wierd people pick on him now,

I'm to small all I can do is watch.

Weird is spelled wrong and "too" you are using need two "oo"s

My brother has a gun,

he aimed it at the t.v. once.

TV should be capitalized
Overall good job! This peice was powerful. Thony ony problems are spelling errors.

hum... alot of you say that my poem was great and then there are the ones who say it dragged, it didn't grab their attention, or something else like that well what if I said I would make it into a story? would that grab you attention? tell me if its a good idea to make it into a story, I want you guys to tell me if that would grab your attention!


oh and has anyone seen that bamagirl11 has put something about her tummy(weird) but oh well

It would grab my attention.