frames and states

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happyness is in youre frame of mind,
if you put youre trust in it it forms a bind,
a bind that grows all to fast with time,
it will destroy you like a manevolent slime,
a slime that destroys everything in its path,
with a kind of seren and beutiful rath,
like the burning of a flower,
the flames emmiting a lustful power,
a power that consumes more and more,
a power that makes you want to soar,
happyness is in youre frame of mind.

darkness is the state of the world,
banishing light while on a swift twirl,
the demons are coming out to stay,
and the children are just dying to play,
the smell of raw sewege in the streets,
the demons laugh whyll the humans grow weak,
the demons laugh in kidish delight,
whyll they fill the world with blight,
this is theyre world now we made it this way,
now were the ones that are going to pay,
darkness is the state of the world.
The diffrence of a ingnorant person and a wise person isn't what they have been through but what they have been through and how much they have learned from it.




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Points 1254
Reviews 387
1 - happyness = happiness (line 1 and 11)
2 - Capitalize and make sentences. Don't be afraid to use periods, right now you just have a comma at the end of each line. There's more punctuation in poetry beyond commas. :D
3 - beutiful = beautiful (line 6)
4 - youre = your (line 1 and 11)
5 - sewege = sewage (line 16)
6 - whyll = while (line 17 and 19)
7 - kidish (line 18 ) try childish? I'm not sure if "kidish" is a word.
8 - theyre = their (line 20)

Most of those are minor. I don't mean to be too harsh here, but this is a writer's site. We expect use of basic rules of grammar, capitalization, punctuation and the like. This is a great poem though! I love the idea and the content here. The rhyming is generally pretty good but it seems forced in some places. Remember, poetry doesn't have to rhyme. In fact, most poetry that's out there is "free verse" which is un-rymed, un-metered poetry. I like the polarization of the two stanzas how one is about happiness, and the other is darkness. Good contrast. Well, welcome to YWS! I hope you stick around and enjoy the site! And don't take any criticism to personally. We're all just trying to be helpful. Keep writing! ;)

~Yoyo 8)
@(^_^)@
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Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 125
So this is really good!

Just two things!


1. Spelling, im a horrible speller lol


2. Structure!



i think you need more stanza's!!!
"Show us, don't tell us!" They say, but sadly I realize I'm a storyteller. When I cross over and accept maturity, when I want to change then maybe I'll be willing to show people my prose and not tell them. As a writer I have to grow. :)



Don't aim at success--the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect of one's dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one's surrender to a person other than oneself.
— Viktor E. Frankl