Bonsoir

Bonsoir

Open your eyes,
Grazed by the thorns of a miserable life;
Do you see your fate?

Lie down, in the endless path of
gliding memories...such wonders!
Ah, sing them to me,
Under the setting sun!

The roses that melted into tears,
They wrap me in the softness of their petals.
Together with this useless timeline,
I dissolve with the moon.

Cry! Bleed your eyes out, wipe
away the fears that overwhelm you.
Run, run away into the dark, return
to your deepest dreamland...Sleep!

Ah, the turmoil of living!
It brings the dark sun with me,
The chant from hell!

Escape! Ride along the wind,
It encircirles the two of us; we gleam in the twilight.
Swim! Directly into the compass rose,
We'll find our right selves once more.

Let us touch the sky and reach
The shining stars that fall from above.
We'll have the last race together,
Before I bade you
Bonsoir.

There were some places where a word was not added to the next line, which kind of threw it off. (Change of topic)

Alas! teach me, I have been wanting the ability to write poetry that does not ryhm, that is still goo, forever! All I can make are Love Poems.
Good Job!

Wow. Good job. I could feel your turmoil leaping off the page. This is what the world needs, someone who can weave words to REALLY express themselves. Good rythem.

Open your eyes,
Grazed by the thorns of a miserable life;
Do you see your fate?

Lie down, in the endless path of
gliding memories...such wonders!
Ah, sing them to me,
Under the setting sun!

The roses that melted into tears,
They wrap me in the softness of their petals.
Together with this useless timeline,
I dissolve with the moon.

Cry! Bleed your eyes out, wipe
away the fears that overwhelm you.
Run, run away into the dark, return
to your deepest dreamland...Sleep!

Ah, the turmoil of living!
It brings the dark sun with me,
The chant from hell! - ?

Escape! Ride along the wind,
It encircirles the two of us; we gleam in the twilight.
Swim! Directly into the compass rose,
We'll find our right selves once more.

Let us touch the sky and reach
The shining stars that fall from above.
We'll have the last race together,
Before I bade you
Bonsoir.

Oh wow. That was so good. I didn't enjoy the exclamation points but other than that tres tres bien!! you are a really great poet. a lot of metaphors that i fell in love with in this poem.
KEEP WRITING

Liked the words, but not a fan of the puncuation. I'm not a fan of semicolons in general, just because it's kind of confusing when you're supposed to use them. Personally I think a period would be better, but that might just be me. And I wasn't a fan of the ellipse in the middle of the line, either. It detracted from your words.

As LovableLittleSock pointed out, the exclamation points are a bit much. It just makes the whole thing seem a little overdramatic.

Cry! Bleed your eyes out, wipe
away the fears that overwhelm you.

IMO, "wipe away" should not be split like that. I'd put them both in the second line.

Before I bade you
Bonsoir

Um...your entire poem is in the present/future tense, so why is "bade" in the past? It should be "bid", I think. You may want to check that, though.

Other than what I've pointed out, I liked it, especially the last two stanzas. Keep writing!

I can't really say much about this, because I'm a little stumped, to be honest.

I liked the imagery that you used and think that the line; "The roses that melted into tears," was great, as it was very original and poetic. In some parts, I felt as though it was a bit of a jumble of words and didn't really have a flow at all, but then I'd skip onto the next stanza and understand just a little bit more.

I know this isn't much help, and I apologise. You have a nice idea.

Ginge

:]