Diary of a Villain: Prologue Part 1

Hey there Valor. I'm supposed to be doing my poetry analysis essay, but I thought that I should critique this first. You are that important

The line went all the way along the short “Next,” she sighed, wishing for the third time that day—

I'm a bit confused with this, as you didn't really say how far the line had stretched back for.

Esten sighed; this was going to be a long day

.

Well you've already stated that it is a long day, why repeat yourself?

Esten had been born during the 21st century on the third ‘sentient’ world of the six hundred and twenty-third universe. Her office reflected the era she had grown in, with modernized chairs, lamps and a glow lamp on in the corner. Since the seven hundredth universe was still in its early years, the environment was entirely alien to the souls who came to her daily. Luckily, this universe had magic, so they did not cower away from the electric lights as she’d learned souls tended to do in other universes.

Interesting.

“Do our intentions have any effect on our judgment?” a clear voice asked. Esten gaped. This was the first time since being posted here a soul had managed to speak to her directly without median of the pool.

Is Esten new? Or is it by sheer luck that a soul was able to talk to her?

Overall impressions:

Interesting....This is good, and one of the few pieces that actually keeps me reading. I like this version quite a bit It's so well worded and the originality of the plot and ideas just really rivets the reader along. Well done on that. Judge Esten is potrayed as a realistic character with thoughts and emotions which we can associate quite easly. On the whole, she is quite well developed (there are some things which has a negative impact on the Judge, I'll explain it further down). The idea of souls being punished and rewarded based on their sins and good deeds and then being recycled into the mortal plain is quite unique in fantasy literature. I really like how you manipulated religious mythos to your advantage. To be honest, I could feel some compassion for Yazra as she was being judged. I find it curious and interesting to Yazra as a character that she would actually choose that memory to represent herself. Gonna give her some of my respects for doing that. I find the bit where they clung to each other cute ^.^ lol. As for the male spirit, I think you can develop him further; I didn't exactly get a feel for him as he seems to be somewhat of your typical good guy. However, I did find his decision to be alongside Yazra interesting. Here are the flaws that I spotted with this edition of DOAV:

1. The dialogue in this is quite bland, and doesn't truly reflect the personality of the characters. Judge Esten's dialogue doesn't reflect that of a Judge but more of an office clerk. As for Yazra and the other male soul, it is like a typical human speaking. Come on, Yazra and the male soul have potential to be very unique characters in fantasy literature. Don't destroy that chance with 3rd rate dialogue.

As for the dialogue of the Judge, because it was so dry, I think it is the reason why I question her authority as a Judge. She doesn't really seem professional and doesn't really seem like a Judge just mostly due to the dialogue. If Judge Esten is supposed to be a bit laid back, ok fine, but you need to make the dialogue reflect that and worded more creatively. You will find that Judges in our society have a certain way of speaking when they are doing their job. If this is carried over to fantasy, the task actually gets harder, as you have to maintain some of the formality of the dialogue and also speak in a way that both reflects the gaia and concept of the fantasy and the Judge's character itself. It is quite hard, but considering a writer of your skill level, you should be able to carry it out. Remember, Judge Esten is one of the staff that decides the ultimate fate of a soul, not an office clerk, even though if you intend Esten to be a bit laid back.

Here is a video to show to you of how judges would speak when placed in a fantasy like setting. This fantasy that I'm talking about is Final Fantasy XII, a video game on ps2 where judges play a big influence on the plot of the game.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZLBGbUGr ... re=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fd5DzQxe ... re=related ( Judge Gabranth for the win! )

Notice how the dialogue is worded to give them a sense of profession and authority which shows a true representation of their society and their job as a judge.

2. Calculation of the years: This is just a nitpick, but I think there needs to be more thought about how many years one is sentenced to. You will see that a great deal of time and effort is invested into the sentencing of a person in our society to ensure that it is fair, free from bias and accurate. This should also be the case here or I think there needs to be like some sort of forumla which determines how many years one is sentenced.

3. Info dump. This is minor, but I agree with some of the others that the information can be less telly and more on show to leave some impression on the reader's minds.

4. The male soul (as stated earlier).

I think I've covered everything. Overall, this is good, and I have awarded you a gold star on this for your great efforts and the originality of your idea. I thank you for posting this up, as now I feel happy and motivated to hopefully get my rewrite of chapter 1 of the Esper Sepulchral series (renamed to Raining Mirrors) soon and show you what I'm truly capable of.

I'll check out part 2 later, I need to do my essay now. Good luck. "bows"

Andy.

*le gasp!* A gold star from Andy?? ! Such a kind review from one of my hardest critiques is quite the compliment! XD I'll definitely be looking into those issues, thanks for pointing them out. I think some other people did too, so it's on my list for sure. ^_^ *must go do some research on dialogue*

Thanks muchly!

Also thanks to kitty! I think you're right about the name (as is everyone) *goes to change it back to DoaV* ^_^

Now, if I can just avoid confusing my readers with my versions, I should do okay. =P

^_^ Keek!

Wow! I will review this in bed tonight, along with part 2... looks great!

This piece of work is amazing. It has been put on my favorite's list--and so far there's only one other piece on it.

Only problem was the few punctuation and spelling errors. Everyone else has taken care of those, however, so I don't need to say anymore.

Your imagination is great. And I've never seen that viewpoint taken on Heaven, Hell, and reincarnation. Two very ethusiastic thumbs up.

Keep writing.

*stares in awe* *drools a little, perhaps*

Wow. I would never have expected something like this... this was truely a masterpiece! Hehe!

Ok... I can't really give you any grammar suggestions because it seemed perfect to me except for a few misspelled words here and there, but that'll take a long time to find again. XD

I'll answer the questions then give you my response to the whole prologue.

Feedback Questions
1) What do you think of Judge Esten? Does she seem like a realistic character?
2) Do you feel the story could benefit from more description? If so, where?
3) Do you feel you have an acceptable understanding of what's going on? Do you think there was a lack of explanation? Were there elements you'd like to understand better? Or was there too much telling and not enough showing?
4) Did you find parts of the story so far confusing? (ex: the fact I didn't name the souls)
5) Did you find this at all interesting? =P Should I try and get more of a hook in there at the beginning? *feels like the story starts off very slowly*

1. She was a brilliantly well-crafted character. I like her.
2. I think you use plenty of description.
3. When describing the um... soul cycle - go to ... uh... earth then being judged, either/and heaven or hell - it got majorly confuzzling. But I think it was a really awesome idea.
4. The nameless souls were the whole mystery of it!
5. Um, duh! No. It's a brilliant hook.

---


Alrighty!

Fantastic story! I can't believe that this is only part of the prologue. This is gonna be a huge book! Hehe, and I can't wait to read the rest.

As for suggestions, I really don't know. The whole cycle which I mentioned up there was confuzzling, but I don't see how you could make it...uh... less confusing.

Great! I'll read the next part soon!

-Jared

o.O 11 Stars?? When did that happen?? There were only 8 when I was here 20 minutes ago! *dies of confused happiness* XD

Thanks for the critiques, again! I think I am spoiled by DoaV because I get so much feedback. But I love it, it's great to know people like what they see (or at least take the time to say they didn't).

Yes, the whole system is a little confusing, I know. A lot of people suggested not explaining it all right away, and I actually liked that a lot. The cycle is under a little revision (in my head), but it's crazy fun to think up. I will make sure to clarify it when I get around to revising this.

No, don't freak out readers. I won't be revising this for a looong time. I won't subject you all to my little compulsive obsession with restarting. >.<

^_^ Keek!

Thank you so much for PMing me the links. I was going to crit a couple weeks ago, but I got completely confused as to what to crit, lol. I have your crit now, gonna type it up, and I'm not gonna look back at other crits to see if I repeat anything. Sorry, you'll probably hate me for it, but I kinda wanna go to bed after this. *selfish*

Oh uh, she thought. “I can only do one at a time,” she informed them, motioning for one of them to come forward.

Uh huh...Italicized, first of all, but it's probably italicized in the original document. Secondly, it's a bit awkward to me. A comma should be after oh, but still... I don't think people just think that, they stutter or hesitate. The thought probably isn't necessary at all.

Her office reflected the era she had grown in, [no comma] with modernized chairs, lamps, and a glow lamp on in the corner.

Replacing the underlined word with including could also work, but it works just fine as it is.

“Place your hand in the bowl,” Esten instructed her. The bowl—which sat in the center of Esten’s desk—was made of venysl, a substance that allowed Esten to see clear images of the spirit’s thoughts. Very few knew how to communicate in ethereal form, and Esten had no patient to teach them.

Underlined: The dashes don't belong. Replace them with commas. ^^

Italicized: "...and Esten had no patience to teach them" or "...and Esten had no patient to teach them."

...and are returned to the moral realm for a new life, [period instead]”

Typo! Yay! ^^

Esten frowned. The issue of ‘intentions’ had raised quite a debate, [no comma] when the stations were first established

Now, your acts were judged on the positive and negative effect they had. If you stole to survive, you would ear years in hell for theft, but if you had stolen to feed yourself and a sibling, then you would also earn time in heaven for caring for the sibling.

Ahh! Second POV! No! You switched POV for a paragraph. Nein, never! LOL use one instead of you or revise it somehow. Never single out the reader like that (in my opinion), especially for a paragraph. ^^

“I will look at your record, [no comma] and judge you upon it.

The soul hesitated; [comma instead] [s]it’s[/s] its glow flickering in places as it debated. [s]Then, [/s]an image formed in the silver of the pool.

Esten realized, with annoyance, that this was a full case.

And the typos begin...now!

...allowing the reaper to enter the universe at any moment and retrieve souls then— [period instead] if it were otherwise she would never be able to handle the constant flux of souls.

She didn’t usually use them, as it took a lot of energy and—more importantly—[s]the[/s] technology which was in the testing stages. However, it was much easier for her to pass fair judgment this way.

She waved for the second soul to move behind the desk, and after a moment, he did.

All manner of conscious sins—which shouldn’t necessarily be judged, though the system they had in place didn’t allow judges like Esten the time to discern what sins were conscious and which were not—danced across the souls surface, appearing as dark shadows that twisted the blue light.

Replace dashes with commas.

Some good acts showed as well, but they many were unconscious, meaning this soul had not intended them.

I know they're both such lovely words, but only one can be used in this instance. ^_^

But it did not; it looked at her evenly, without the glasses simply glowing with a steady blue ethereal light. “I understand.”

I thought the souls had genders? Don't switch to it when there's a gender. ^_^

This was what Esten hated about [s]coupled[/s] couples—they didn’t have the time to adjust to the afterlife separately...

...and...

Love rarely transcended to the after life, [semi-colon instead] people tended to never meet their loved ones from life.

I'm pretty sure afterlife is one word.. just keep consistency. ^_^

“You’re next. [comma instead]” [s]She[/s] she said.

Feedback Questions
1) What do you think of Judge Esten? Does she seem like a realistic character?
2) Do you feel the story could benefit from more description? If so, where?
3) Do you feel you have an acceptable understanding of what's going on? Do you think there was a lack of explanation? Were there elements you'd like to understand better? Or was there too much telling and not enough showing?
4) Did you find parts of the story so far confusing? (ex: the fact I didn't name the souls)
5) Did you find this at all interesting? =P Should I try and get more of a hook in there at the beginning? *feels like the story starts off very slowly*

1. You developed the character well enough. I knew who she was later on, which is good, really. Good job with her. ^^ She seems like a realistic character, as long as you don't slack off with her [if/when you return to her later on]

2. Your description was great. Nothing more to add, in my opinion.

3.
A. I do think I know what's happening.
B. Nope, explanation was great!
C. Meh, if there are, you'll [hopefully] explain them later.
D. Loved it!

4. Nope, wasn't confused at all! Just watch your pronouns. If you gave them genders, don't suddenly turn them neuter!

5. Interesting? I loved it! I think this is a major improvement, but it's probably because I was just more interested in this scenario. I dunno what you did, but I really did love it.

Feedback Questions for old readers
1. What do you think of the changes I've made? Do you think it has promise?

As I said before, I loved it! Keep up the awesome work!

Jabber, the One and Only!

This was good, some things about the whole soul and weird method of judgment makes Esten seem like a new trainee at the DMV, knowing too much about the procedures, but doesn't have the experience to fit the mood. If you ever been to the DMV, you should know what I mean. If you don't, let's put it like this.

Esten seems like a know-it-all with no practical experience. She doesn't seem like the ideal candidate for this judgment job.

mewling

Maybe it's just me, but I have never seen this word in my life.

“Come in, then,” she said finally. The two souls, still tightly twined around each other, glided into the office. Esten sighed; this was going to be a long day. She shut the door and walked to her desk, noticing how the souls looked about them in curiosity. Esten had been born during the 21st century on the third ‘sentient’ world of the six hundred and twenty-third universe. Her office reflected the era she had grown in, with modernized chairs, lamps and a glow lamp on in the corner. Since the seven hundredth universe was still in its early years, the environment was entirely alien to the souls who came to her daily. Luckily, this universe had magic, so they did not cower away from the electric lights as she’d learned souls tended to do in other universes.

Is this all really nessacerry? To be honest, I got very bored. Put it in different parts, or get rid of it or somethng, but I don't see why this is all important.

The spirit leaned to the desk and slid her hand into the bowl, eyes watching the silvery surface.
“As you can see, there are many others who wait judgment. So I will only explain this once.” Inwardly, Esten cursed. At the station in her universe, there had been greeters who worked under the reaper who explained these simple things to the spirits when they arrived, but this universe was too new; the station only counted the Reaper, two under reapers, three hundred case workers who came and went, and Esten herself. The reapers, to Esten’s annoyance, had the responsibility of ferrying the souls to their respective places. And caseworkers were responsible to watching the souls in the mortal realm and recording their case information. Understaffed as they were, the cases were rarely complete and gave a horrible image of what these people had really done in their lives. Just as well, Esten thought, the growing population demanded a faster recycle rate for the souls anyways.

Once again, I got very bored.

Esten frowned.

I think, She frowned, would be better here.

ear

earn

it’s

its (You do this in the next paragraph as well)

Apparently, the man who said ‘you are what you choose to be’ was a liar.

This sounds like a stayement, so I wouldn't put in apparently.

Feedback Questions
1) What do you think of Judge Esten? Does she seem like a realistic character?
First of all, her nme always makes me think of a guy, and I have to keep reminding myself that she's a girl. Apart from that, she's okay.

2) Do you feel the story could benefit from more description? If so, where?
I think you need to cut down on the long speeches if anything. The description is fine as it is.

3) Do you feel you have an acceptable understanding of what's going on? Do you think there was a lack of explanation? Were there elements you'd like to understand better? Or was there too much telling and not enough showing?
I think I understood it okay. Yes, way too much telling.

4) Did you find parts of the story so far confusing? (ex: the fact I didn't name the souls)
It's not that confusing.

5) Did you find this at all interesting? =P Should I try and get more of a hook in there at the beginning? *feels like the story starts off very slowly*
I can't say I love it. It's... well, to be hnest, I was a little bored.

Feedback Questions for old readers
1) What do you think of the changes I've made? Do you think it has promise?
It has promise, but I prefer was what already up.



Sorry this critique has taken me so long. I'll do part two tomorrow, promise.

Whoa. This is one of the few slow-starting stories that have really gripped me. Your characters seem real, your grammar is nearly flawless, and so is your spelling. This is a writer who cares. I only noticed maybe one thing- a forgotten "h" at the end of the word "with". I forget where exactly it was, but read it backward and you'll find it. Great job!
Yes, Judge Esten seems realistic- She's awesome despite her negativity
Um, maybe you could describe the souls a bit more. Do they look like humans or turn into floating blobs?
Yes, I have an acceptable understanding of what is going on. Maybe you could describe a little more of the transition into the memory.
Not as far as I can think of right now, no, no confusedness except for what's above
And, yes, maybe it is a little slow, but it's really awesome!