Spilling

I don't think I can take another lie.
I'm filled to the brim and
Spilling.
Over.
Over you and over eyes,
and over falls
I'm over lies.
You've poured me,
And I cease to stop dripping
I'm dropping
downdown
Into your pit. Your bottomless well.
And I'm getting lost,
And you can't tell.
All I want is a plug
to stop me.
To leave some me in your porcelain sink.
For those days that you feel dirty
Dirty lies, in your
pores
down on me
In my sores.
We can't both be clean forever.
One day I'll slipslipslip you into the sun
And watch that dirty skin of yours
dehydrate.
You will sponge me up
With open arms, until I'm whole.
I'll get back those parts you stole.
And for you,
I hope it rains.

I don't think I can take another lie.
I'm filled to the brim and
Spilling.
Over.<---the rhythm of these first few lines seems disconnected from the rest of the poem
Over you and over eyes,
and over falls
I'm over lies. <--I like the rhyming here, and these lines flow much better
You've poured me,
And I cease to stop dripping <--the double negative is really awkward here
I'm dropping
downdown
Into your pit. Your bottomless well.
And I'm getting lost, <--you could remove the "and" here, it would sound a lot better
And you can't tell.
All I want is a plug
to stop me.
To leave some me in your porcelain sink.
For those days that you feel dirty
Dirty lies, in your <--I don't know about the repetition of "dirty" here... I think you could do without
pores
down on me <--nice wordplay!
In my sores.
We can't both be clean forever.
One day I'll slipslipslip you into the sun
And watch that dirty skin of yours
dehydrate.
You will sponge me up
With open arms, until I'm whole.
I'll get back those parts you stole.
And for you,
I hope it rains.<---ehhh, I'm iffy about this ending. It could be stronger.


In general I liked it. The message was clear and you had some good wordplay and repetition techniques. I think though that you could incorporate the onomatopoeia (slipslipslip and such) in a much more effective way. Right now it doesn't add a whole lot and is sort of distracting. Other than that great job! I love reading your stuff

i like it alot. its really good.
maybe if you broke it into stanzas it would be better? But i really dont know
anyway, i like.

Hey there,

I do agree with omgafilangi's points. However, this is a pretty good poem.

The odd rhyme scheme reminds me of Carol Ann Duffy's "Salome" in how it drips and builds. It's quite sinister. I also like the varied line lengths and unusual use of punctuation.

Apart from what omga has already said, great start - well done.

8.5/10

Metaphor. The pouring metaphor was interesting, but it's butter spread over too much bread, if you get my drift...it's not enough for this poem. I'd feel a lot better about it if you included it more subtly. Rather than centering the whole poem on that, bring it up once or twice rather than reiterating it the whole poem.

Rhyme and Rhythm. It seems too childish for me. I'm all for including rhyme in your piece, but it sticks out too much. Instead of having clauses end with the rhyming words, incorporate them more into your sentences so there's less emphasis on them. Try to remove the Dr. Seuss-ish feel from your work.

INto your PIT. Your BOTtomless WELL.
And I'M getting LOST,
And YOU can't TELL.

See, this feels sort of nursery-rhyme-esque, almost like you could do a little dance to it. The rhythm is very basic...see how I've capped all the emphasized syllables? We probably wouldn't read all of those words the way I've emphasized them, but when you write in that fashion, we change our manner of speaking to fit that nursery-rhyme feel. Preserve the natural pronunciation of words!

Over you and over eyes,
and over falls
I'm over lies.

This is a much better part because you DID preserve it. The words don't fall into a different pattern because of the way they're written. Here, the rhythm is catchy and strong--almost like a performance poem. Much better.

Diction. 'Tis flat and boring here. It's all pouring and dripping and the words don't really say anything new, know what I mean? Try to use words in a way you've never seen them used before...incorporate a verb not usually associated with this kind of imagery in a creative way that might suggest something about the speaker's perception of the event that triggered these feelings.

One day I'll slipslipslip you into the sun

This is interesting...I like the repetition of the "s" sound and the way you combined "slipslipslip." Neat visual as well as auditory effect, but you can still do more with that sort of style! Don't limit yourself to an obvious one like "slip".

Keep working!
-Colleen

It is good, but I found it a little hard to follow. It is one of those poems that you have to read fast to make some of it sound right. There are a few problems, like words that should have spaces between them, and it might help to have Spilling, and Over together in one line. It was a good poem, with fine tuning, you could make it up to superb.

I think you have a well-thought out structure, where the lines are divided to signal specific pauses, making these singled out thoughts much more impacting.

I liked the imagery.

I agree with the first reply to this poem in that you could use onomatopoeia to a better advantage.

You would rhyme at some parts but it wasn't very consistent. Also, this line bugged me:

I'm dropping downdown

Don't you need just one 'down'? Or you could do,

I'm dropping down,
Down into your pit.
Your bottomless well.

I also don't like this line:

All I want is a plug
to stop me.
To leave some me in your porcelain sink

I think that you should switch them around (adjusting the sentences a little too) and add an 'of' between some and me.

My last complaint is the last line:

And for you,
I hope it rains

It sounds really cliche and kind of awkward because it doesn't flow like the rest of the poem. I think it would be best to take it out all together. 0(o.o)0