waiting

The rain is falling heavily, splattering raindrops all over the foggy road. My shirt is soaked and my sneakers are filling with water but I don't even notice. All I can relate to right now is the smell of icy rain hitting the dusty road, the sound of a bubbling stream gushing down the ditch and my heavy, rasping breathing. I am waiting. I dread the moment when they arrive, but I won't be able to stop them, no one will. My mind spins with the countless things they can do. I am sinking deeper and deeper into the terrifying possibilities, when one sane thought manages to seep into my head. This is exactly what they want to happen, I must try to fight it! I struggle to calm down but find I can't. I start to panic, the world starts to close off. I am trapped inside myself. I am about to scream when suddenly, a footstep. I close my moulth. My heart pounding. The Familiar numbness sweeps over me. I am no longer in control of myself. They have won. They start to pull me away, I can do absolutely nothing to stop them. I finally give in, my last thought one of utter failure, and let darkness swallow me into nothingness.

I'll admit when I first opened your post and saw how short it was I was a bit skeptical since I was reading more than one thing at once, but after I read it I immediately loved it. You definately deserve the title of "inkling" for this one. I'm assuming you're a fan of either C. S. Lewis or J. R. R. Tolkien, I happen to love them both. Now onto the critique.

Overall it's very good. You left the story so that you could expand upon it if you wanted while hooking in your readers very effectively. Just a few spelling mistakes though. Always try to run spell check when you can. Also you could change some of the words to make the story even more descriptive if you wanted.

My shirt is soaked and my sneakers are flilling with water but I don't even notice.

You put in an extra "l" it's supposed to be "filling".

I am sinking deeper and deeper into the terrifying possibilitys, when one sane thought manages to seep into my head.

It's spelled "possibilities".

This is exactly what they want to happen, I must try to frght it!

I think you meant "fight".

I start to pannic, the world starts to close of.

Two mistakes here. "Off" and "panic".

The familier numbness sweeps over me.

"Familiar" an "a" not an "e".

They start to pull me away, I can do absolutly nothing to stop them.

It's spelled "absolutely".

I finally give in, my last thought one of utter faliure, and let darkness swallows me into nothingness.

And finally, the last spelling error, it's spelled "failure". You have a verb/noun disagreement, it should be "swallow" instead of "swallows".

Hi, I loved the short story. It was very suspenseful. With the exception of a couple spelling errors, I think it is good.

I'm not sure what is going on here, but it strikes me as how a person must feel when being taken over by an agent in the Matrix. Weird, I know, but that was what I got.

Anyway, I really liked this. Aly picked up all the spelling errors so I won't bother there. However, this was really short. I wasn't sure what was going on because there was so little information. There could be so much more to this story.

And yet, I kind of like it the way it is. It leaves so much to the imagination.

I dunno... I am torn. It is nice and yet is left hanging with so much information wanted.

*edit* And wait, why is this posted in non-fiction? It appears to me to be a story... I could be wrong however. After all, I'm not quite sure what it is about after all...

Anyway, it was a nice piece.

*thumbs up*

Great work!

~GryphonFledgling

Hello! I see you're a new member so I would like to say Welcome! but here at YWS you need to post a couple of reviews before a posting your own work. Try to keep a ratio of two reviews to every writing post.

But on with the critique! This was VERY GOOD. Although I'm a little confused about it's placement in Non-fiction...? The spelling mistakes were a little distracting, but those are easily fixed. Add more to it! you left me wanting to know what happens next, which is a very necessary skill for a writer. Keep up the good work!

Hey! thanks SO much for all the nice comments . Sorry about the spelling errors, I was half asleep when I wrote it. I must admit that I was VERY surprised when people wrote that they liked it. I showed it to my english Teacher and she just smiled and said that I should try and write something more "sunny"....?
Anyway, Thanks SO much! Look out for my new series Zarra: The Pirate princess

inkling

p.s.: Yeah, I am a fan of the 2 bestest writers on earth!

inkling huh? I Like that.
Well, that was vary descriptive, well written, I could probably not write anything that short and that good, so kudos. It kills me when people do this, write something, build up the plot, and leaves you wandering "What are they doing!" it drives me nuts. But, excellent gob, keep it up.

Sorry! I am working on a continuing story for it....thats what you want right?


thanks

OH. MY. GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!


DARK STORYEZ IZ AWSUM!!!!!!!!!WOOT!

That was AMAZING!!! Very suspensful, nice job on the grammar corrections, and very VERY....uh....*thinks for the word*
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short.

nice job, though. Lemme know if you get another one!