Fairytales

This is the first piece I'm posting on this site..I hope it's well recieved. (:

Dragons and dinosaurs and witches and ogers,
trying to find dinner from a diner called Smokers,
They find a cache of children ripe for the picking,
squirrling around, having fun, running and kicking.
Skinny, quick buggers they escaped them all,
disappearing in the night to their mother's call.
Running, rash through the darkness, lively and quick,
making way swiftly, through the thin and the thick.
Harshly breathing, gasping with desperate fright,
barely reaching home, through the tussle and fight.
They're finally inside, all snuggled up in their beds,
but the monsters are back, this time in their heads!

I thought the poem was interesting and I found the ending clever where the monsters return in their sleep. Nice touch. I couldn't find much wrong with it, but I wasn't quite sure about this part, though

VivelaMusique wrote:making way swiftly, though the thin and the thick.

Did you mean 'through the thin and thick, or is what you have what you meant, because I haven't heard that expression before.

Anyway, it was a decent poem.

Mike: Thank you! I'm happy you liked my last line...I found myself pretty clever when I added that... Hehe.

And thank you for pointing that out! I had read through it a bunch of times but I some how missed that...Thanks again.

*speachless*
I can't... speak...
WOW! That was AMAZING!
*stares at the screen in awe*
shanan-cat!

Shanan-cat: Thanks, I'm glad you liked it so much

Cool! Great imagery. And the rhyming is decent as well. Great job overall! I hope to see you post some more in the future! Welcome to the YWS!

~Yoyo

Thanks Yoyo.

This was really cute! You did a great job. You've got talent. I love your creativity. I love the way you described their escape, and the monster in their head line was an instant classic. I loved the rythum that went into the poetry. It was so well put, the feel was almost playful.

Dreamwriter: Why thankee. Glad you liked it.

Dragons and dinosaurs and witches and ogers, - "ogres"

trying to find dinner from a diner called Smokers,

They find a cache of children ripe for the picking,

squirrling around, having fun, running and kicking.

Skinny, quick, buggers they escaped them all, - rid of the second comma

disappearing in the night, to their mother's call. - rid of comma

Running, rash through the darkness, lively, quick, - should be "lively and quick"

making way swiftly, through the thin and the thick. - Nice line!

Harshly breathing, gasping with desperate fright,

barely reaching home, through the tussle and fight.

They're finally inside, all snuggled up in their beds,

but the monsters are back, this time in their heads!

OH. HAHAH.
I love how that ended. Nice flow, just get rid of the billion unessecary commas you have
Maybe it's just me. I have a strong dislike for commas.
I don't know why..
I love rhymy poems. They always are so funny and great. They teem with awesome-ness, like this one.
KEEP WRITING!

LoveableLittleSock: Haha that's alright. Thanks for pointing them out. I guess I do add a bunch of extras sometimes. Hehe. Thank youuu.

Very interesting! It told a story, which I enjoy reading. I could imagine everything going on in this poem. I can't really find anything wrong with it (which is good!) so this is really all I can say.

Wonderful Job

I quite enjoyed it. It's one of those poems I could see in a book like "Where the Sidewalk Ends" or "A Light in the Attic" which I remember reading when I was younger. So yes, props to you. I could imagine it being read by the voice guy from the Michael Jackson song, "Thriller!" and he would do the same evil laugh at the end lol...Bravo

~Rory Evelyn Legend

Ashleylee: Many thanks!

RoryLegend: Wow, high compliment. Shel Silverstein is one of my favorite poets. Hahahahahah. The Thriller laugh. Hehe, that's funny that you mention that, cuz I was watching the video for it last night. Hehe. Thanks for reviewing!

Hey!

I loved this poem when you posted it on Inkbearers and it still amazes me how good it really is.

I agree with the above post by "LovablelittleSock". His suggestions were good and make sense. I would take them .

Talk to you later!