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Hiya! Nice to read some of your work, and don't worry, anything posted on here is copyrighted to the author, because it is backed up with the time it was posted. It's almost like an online patent.

Qatarishas

I struggled over this word. It's too complicated.

The moment he said this, the Qatarishas started banging on the doors

From what you have said, they seem like powerful orcs. Wouldn't they be a bit more violent. This also loses suspense. How about: 'A loud frency of iron against iron erputed from the gate (?).' How's that? A bit better, but you understand what I mean?

Overall, I liked this. Emotions were caught very well, and I thought this was great. This did seem a bit like Helm's Deep, if you've seen LotR, but I think you did this brilliantly.

I really liked it, not much more to say really, just well done!

Keep Writing!

~D'Aedomir~

Your storyline is good, but it's a bit confusing. If you added more detail on the charaters and what exactly they're facing, it will add to your storyline. Don't be afraid to use alot of details! Also, I would like to know more about your characters....

Thanks to both of you guys for the reviews! I realize this is a long selection and people probably don't want to take the time to read it.

This did seem a bit like Helm's Deep, if you've seen LotR, but I think you did this brilliantly.

I've never read LOTR, but I know what it is. So, no, I wouldn't exactly know what Helm's Deep would be like. And on the other corrections, I think after you get used to seeing the word Qatarishas, you get used to it. My friend did. And I'll take another look at that one sentence.

If you added more detail on the charaters and what exactly they're facing, it will add to your storyline. Don't be afraid to use alot of details! Also, I would like to know more about your characters....

The part about what they're facing I understand. When you say you want to know more about my characters, does that mean the way they look or how they act, or what? This is a finished book, and if you mean the way they act, I brought that out throughout the book. I'm not quite sure what you mean, though.

No prob,

I think she means about their history, personality etc. I'm sure that's explained elsewhere though, so don't worry.

I shortened it so that three of my characters weren't even introduced. I was just editing, and it did seem a bit long to put on here.

Yes this is a small portion of the book
I hate it when people tell me they wanna know more about my characters
I mean its only the first chapter?
You have a whole book to explain them?
SO those kindof comments are pointless
Also yea the word Qatarishas is a little confusing
but its very cool
If you read a book and you see a word that could be pronounced diffrent ways
It makes you think
Like you could put the book down and still be thinking
Is it pronounced this way or that way?
How many books have you read where you had to figure out a pronounciation
I think its cool
(Btw i am the friend :D:D)

Duuuude. You barely have any critiques! Why? It was way awesome.

There is only one thing that I think you are missing. But I'll get to that in a sec. XD

First, I'll list of some of the good things you had:

- Cool characters

- Lots of action

- Plenty of suspense

Second, some bad things you had:

- Characters were just kinda... blah. They didn't have any real personality.

- No emotions.

- No reader/character attachment.

Some of those bad things are vital in stories. You must have them. You said that you've finished the novel; that's great! These are just some pointers for the editing process.

So, all in all, this was a great chapter. I'll read more if you post it! PM me if you do, okay?

-Jared

Thanks Jared! I have a couple of questions, though.

First, I'll list of some of the good things you had:

- Cool characters

Second, some bad things you had:

- Characters were just kinda... blah. They didn't have any real personality.

Isn't that a contradiction? Just wondering, or did you mean something else by it?

I think alot of the reason that I haven't been getting reviews is because when I first posted it, I posted alot, and then edited it to be shorter. I think by that time that most people had already looked at it. Plus, I don't make many grammatical errors (not tooting my own horn, but grammar is a subject I'm pretty good at), so some people might not feel there's much to review.

As for the emotions and reader attachment, I completely understand your point of view. The characters overall aren't very appealing at this point; however, as the story goes on, I believe that will change (especially with Anenzier; she's awesome). Right now I'm just trying to hook the reader, which from what you said I sort of did.

But I do take what you said seriously, so I'm not blowing you off. Thanks for the review (my new friend)!!

Resurrecting an old thread.

khfan890 wrote: Kelnor had first seen them while he was perched on a hill overlooking the meadow below.

Was Kelnor daydreaming? Looking out for danger? Watching bunnies frolic? It might just add a couple words, but it says scads about your character.

khfan890 wrote: Small horns rose from their heads; they were usually white, but the horns had been painted red as a sign of war

I love that, great worldbuilding detail.

khfan890 wrote: The villagers had suspected that the Qatarishas would soon invade their tiny village of Lastaran in hopes of destroying them and stealing their goods and possessions, but nobody had felt the need to be on the lookout for such an invasion because they assumed the Qatarishas were not advanced enough to hurt them significantly. But Kelnor had seen them coming, and they didn’t look happy.

It’d be great if you could replace that telling with showing – maybe through dialogue as he gets to the village, maybe through his thoughts – but if not, at least condense it so there’s less for the reader to wade through. Maybe a better reason for Kelnor’s panic could be their numbers? “I don’t care if one or two dumb blue guys knock on our door…wait, there are ten thousand dumb blue guys?!?”

khfan890 wrote: All of the villagers complied with his demands and filed into the Shrine in an orderly fashion.

My first thought was, “Really? No pushing, no shoving, no screaming women?” Is there a reason this village is so icewater-veined? Is it because of their absolute trust in him, or what? It doesn't seem realistic

khfan890 wrote: She led them to the back, which nobody was guarding right now in all of the confusion. They found a ladder without much trouble and made their way to the stairs. Working together, the three of them managed to drag the ladder up three flights of stairs. Once they reached the top, Anenzier turned the doorknob, and, to her annoyance, it was locked. “Let’s use the ladder as a battering ram,” she suggested. After driving the ladder into the wooden door a few times, the wood began to crack and sag, and Anenzier was able to use her foot to smash through the rest of it. The three of them dragged the ladder through out onto the roof and lowered it to the ground. To their relief, it reached the bottom with room to spare

Sure, you’ve got your big THE MONSTERS ARE ATTACKING pull, but there are so many opportunities for smaller scuffles. You’re a writer! It’s your job to make every step hell for your characters. The ladder falls back down the stairs and they run into an elder. The ladder falls awkwardly onto Anenzier as she lifts it and crushes her shoulder. The ladder doesn’t reach the ground and when they jump, Kelnor twists his ankle, or something falls out of his pocket that they need. Now, I know you want them to get from Point A to Point B – at least that’s what I think the sphere is – but by setting them back slightly right from the start, you’re amping up the stakes, and it could make for all sorts of future troubles.


- [Form of to be] [verb]ing is evil! Remember, “wielded” is always stronger than “was wielding.”
- I’d like a better description of your bad guys. I don’t have problems with the name Qatarisha, but in my imagination, they kind of look like uglier versions of the Cookie Monster. With horns. I’m sure they’re much scarier-looking in your head, now show it!
- Actually, I think your descriptions in general could be stronger. From what I’ve read of what agents/publishers want, a fresh voice seems to rank highly. You don’t need to be Shakespeare, but a “big, white sphere” that “glowed with a brilliant radiance that both scared and amazed them” could be anything. Maybe it’s a white orb that hangs in the sky like a second sun? Maybe it’s a shimmering nebula that shoots towards them like a cosmic yoyo? Neither of my suggestions is very good, but hey, a cosmic yoyo stands out more than a big white sphere.
- I have no sense of character except for Anenzier, maybe Elesta, to a small extent. I know, I know, it’s only the first chapter and you’ll develop them as the book goes on, but I should at least have a sense of them. In all the best books, by the end of chapter one you’re friends with the protag, you just become best friends throughout the course of the novel. After all, any action is for naught if you don’t care about the people involved. At the very least, tell me what they look like! I only have an image of Elesta


I’m sorry if I was harsh! I read in your other posts that you want to publish, so I thought I'd throw some advice at you. It‘s a great beginning and it makes me want to read on, it could just be improved a little.

Hey tosh!!! Thanks for reviewing! I really appreciate it. Your advice was really good, actually! I've edited it once, mainly for grammar errors and stuff, and I think I'll probably go back through it again for stuff like this. On the part about them filing into the Shrine in an orderly fashion, I fixed that on my way through this last go; I just haven't fixed it on here. On the other stuff, I completely see where you're coming from. Well, I see where you're coming from on the Shrine part, too, but you know what I mean.

Well, on the part about the description of the character's appearance, later in the story I tell, but for now I was trying to keep off of the telling phase and rely on showing. Is that wrong here?

I'm glad it helped! It's up to you whether you tell here, but maybe a quick mention of so-and-so character's eye or hair colour - not the full description - would help the reader picture the people involved in all that action.