Supermarket story - INTRODUCTION - parts yet to be added

“But I really need the toilet mum!” whinged Kelly, particularly emphasising the word “need”. This didn’t matter to mum, she just let the comment pass her by.
“Cauliflower, Braburn apples, carrots…” the list went on beneath mum’s muttered breath. Kelly gave up, when it came to shopping, mum simply sauntered off, into her own little housewife-world. The only communications made between her and her daughter were, quick sharp orders, instructing what was wanted, and where she will be next-mothers can be very quick when they have an extra four wheels.
The wheel of the plastic bag holder squealed, the electronic floor cleaner whirred, and the checkouts beeped. Kelly groped behind her mother, her feet sticking out at all angles from the tightness of her hips, closing her bladder tight to stop the pangs and strains of needing the toilet.

Hello there! Welcome to YWS! My name is Saint and I shall be your critiquer today.

Here's a quick grammatical note for you -- when "Mum" is being used as a name, it's a proper noun. When it's not (think "my mum, your mum," etc.), then it's not. Pretty simple, yes?

Also, another grammar note. Punctuation always goes inside the quotation marks, no matter what.

Lastly, there is nothing here for me to critique! There's not enough story for me to really know what's going on. When you post, it's best to post reasonable amounts of story so that your critiquers can get a clear sample of your writing -- a couple hundred words don't do it if it's not flash fiction. You say you have parts yet to be added? Well, add them! This isn't nearly enough to be critiqued. I mean, I'd love to give you some proper help, but I can't because there's not enough story here.

So post some more story, send me a PM, and then I'll be able to give you a proper critique, okay?

Much love.

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

There isn't anything blatantly wrong with this piece, but there isn't anything outstandingly phenomenal either. In fact there isn't much of ANYTHING! ^_~ Dear Saint is right--there isn't enough of this. You should post more at a time.

There are a few little grammar/punctuation/spelling mistakes, so rather than pointing them all out, I'll just show you a "corrected" version:

Purple-Pippo wrote:“But I really need the toilet, mum!” whined Kelly, particularly emphasizing the word “need”. This didn’t matter to Mum; she just let the comment pass her by.

“Cauliflower, Braburn apples, carrots…” the list went on beneath Mum’s muttered breath. Kelly gave up. When it came to shopping, Mum simply sauntered off into her own little housewife-world. The only communications made between her and her daughter were quick sharp orders, instructing what was wanted, and where she will be next--mothers can be very quick when they have an extra four wheels.

The wheel of the plastic bag holder squealed, the electronic floor cleaner whirred, and the checkouts beeped. Kelly groped behind her mother, her feet sticking out at all angles from the tightness of her hips, closing her bladder tight to stop the pangs and strains of needing the toilet.

I hope this helps!

PM me if I was unclear about anything!

~Azila~

***“But I really need the toilet mum!” whinged Kelly, particularly emphasising the word “need”. This didn’t matter to mum, she just let the comment pass her by. ***

Here, it's hard to tell who is the main character. It could be Kelly, her Mom, or an outsider looking in.

***Kelly groped behind her mother, her feet sticking out at all angles from the tightness of her hips, closing her bladder tight to stop the pangs and strains of needing the toilet.***

This is confusing. Why is she groping behind her mother...?

Since this is only a small part, it's hard to go off of. We need more background, a setting, more dialogue, and a clear MC. I expect more work/ longer sections from you, Pippo. It's good, but there just isn't enough to go on.
PM me if you need anything.

*Seraph*