The Hardest Part is Moving On

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Hey, well this is the best copy! No, it's not done, but here is the first chapter and the second will follow! PLEASE R&R!!! I DON'T MIND CRITC!!!!

stood there in the Director Elsie Wilds office. Frozen in time. I couldn't move, the words she said to me just stuck like crazy glue in my mind. I new what they meant but I couldn't comprehend them for the life of me. I collapsed in to a ball on the red leather sofa as tears and grief overwhelmed me. She could not be dead.

My mother. A former secret service member turned into FBI agent. She couldn't be. I took bits and pieces for information from the Director and another agent I new as Special Agent Steve Mitchell. I didn't pay attention to much of it. I knew when they called me from school, had a black SUV pick me and drive me to the Head Quarters something was wrong. I had this horrible lurching feeling in my stomach since lunch time. All I needed to hear was she was dead and that's all. I didn't care for the details, nor could I handle them at the moment.

I heard a sniper bullet. One bullet took out what I thought was my in-destructive mother, Special Agent Angelina Moss. Then I heard the word trail. They didn't even know who took the only person I had left away from me and they were talking about a trail?

"Amelia, Amelia honey please say something". She sat next to me and put her small arm around my shoulders. I looked up at her with puffy red eyes and smeared black make-up. She brushed my tears away as she hugged me."It's going to me okay. Were going to find who did this and were going to take care of you. Don't worry."

I nodded to it but all I was thinking was, catch who did this? I didn't really cared who did it, sure I would like to look the bastered in the eyes and ask him what my mother did to piss him off so much that she had to shot her. And don't worry? My mom was all I had left. I am going to end up in foster care. Great, who is going to want to adopt a 16-year-old teen? Yeah um NO ONE!

Everything was coming at me at one time. I jumped up from the sofa and ran. I ran out of her office, down the stairs, into the bullpen where other agents my mother had worked with all my life looked at me as I ran sympichathical. It felt like I wasn't moving, like I was stuck there. I finale made it to the stair case as I ran down them and out the front door. I collapsed again on the hot black pavement letting out screams and cry's of grief and angry.

I stayed there for what felt like hours. Just hoping that if I waited there long enough, my mom would come back. I know it is silly. But I want her to to come back to much. I miss her so much already.

I slammed the pavement with both fists and I pushed myself off the ground. My mother wouldn't want me like this. She new I was brave. I know I'm brave and tough. I can handle this. Okay, I can try and handle this the best I way I can. I have too, I do not have any other choice.

I pressed my back against the side of the tall glass like building as I breathed in the cool spring air trying to calm myself down before I went back in there. I did not want to face them. With all there "I'm so sorry for your lose". I hate that. Not that it's a load of bull, but I just don't like looking up in their sad faces and say "thank-you" or explaining how I feel. I simply hate it. I knew these agents my entire life. They have always been there for me when ever I need anything. Alexis Nickel, Steven Mitchell, Michale Thomas, Jim Stokes and of course Dr. Jonathan Mallered. I loved them all like my own family. It was just me and my mom, so these five people took the missing places.

A few minute's later I built up the courage to go in. As I stepped out of the elevator onto their floor I saw them all huddle up. The lab tech, Alexis Nickel, who was also one of my mom's closet's friend ran over to me and gave me the biggest hugs. I hugged her back as I sobbed into her shoulder.

"I don't know what to say". Alexis whispered into my ear.

"It's okay. Neither do I". I said back. All I really needed was comfort. Not words. In reality know words could fix this or make me feel better. I didn't want people to try and make me feel better. They know they can't, so why bother trying?

Alexis released her embrace as she smiled her beautiful crystal white smile at me. "Your strong kido, just like your mom". She kissed my forehead and walked away over to Steven.

Johnny came over to me next. Wise old Dr. Jonathan Mallered had seen pretty much everything, so he is the easiest to relate to. He walked over and took my hand. "My dear child, your mother died in honor, never, never let anyone every tell you other wise, okay?" I nodded wearily. "You know, your like a grand-daughter I never had. So even though you mother is gone, always come back here okay?" Again I nodded and I gave him a hug.

I hugged the rest of the team and took their words of comfort. Then when know one was looking I stepped into the elevator and sunk down in to autopsy where my mothers lifeless body lay. I got down there and the the tog tag marked "Angelina Moss". I walked to the front of it and pulled back the white sheet that covered her face. She seemed so peaceful, like she was taking one of her middle of the day cat naps. I pulled up a metal stool and sat next to the table. I took her hand as I started to cry un-controllable. "Why did you have to leave me?" I was pretty bad, I was talking to a dead body. But I couldn't leave. It was like I was stuck to the chair. In my heart, I didn't want to leave. I knew once I leave I'll never see her face again.

No more making cookies at midnight when she had a bad day at work. No more waking up a six in the morning to hear her singing badly in the shower ( though I'd never tell her that!). Life as I knew it for me was over. I don't know how to go on. But I know I am strong, so I'll make it through this, even if it kills me.

Probably about an hour later I heard the elevator door spring open. I turned around suddenly, only to find Agent Jim Stokes standing there. I turned around quickly, so he didn't see my tears, but of course, he saw everything. He came up beside me and pulled the white sheet back over my mothers head.

"She wouldn't want you to be like this Amelia", he said to me. But I didn't care. I let out a sob as I turned to look at him. His aged face looked kind and gentle, but I looked at it with hatred.

"You know what Agent Stokes, I don't really care how she would of wanted me. She is dead and....and.....and.....". My sentence trailed off into loud crys and sobs. He hugged me gently as I let every tear I had left in me out on his navy blue jacket.

A few moments later I re-gained composer. "I'm so scared" I said to him, still hugging him.

"I know sweetie. I know. And you know what? It's okay to be like that. Because some days the world and god is going to kick your ass hard down on the ground. And it's your probably going to have to fight like hell to get back up. But I know what kind of child Angelina raised, and I know she can make it through this". He kissed the top of my blond head.

"Thanks Jim. But you know, you kinda sound like a skinner versison of Dr.Phil.....with more hair of course". He laughed as he put his arm around we as we walked back to the elevator and up to their floor.

Around 8:00 that night I jumped into the back seat of Elsie's car. She had invited me into her home until everything was straighten out. We pulled up at the brass gates as she swiped a plastic card to open them. As I stepped out of the BMW I saw the most beautiful and elegant structured house I had seen in my entire life. I had no idea she lived this way. She popped the trunked as she helped me life out my XOXO luggage bags and up the winding stairs to her front door. I stepped in and I saw the most elegant marble stairs in the world. We walked up the elegant stairs and into the guest bedroom. I was painted a gorgeous dark purple with a white floor design along the middle of the wall. The was a huge closet and a wooden hand crafted dresser and amour.

I circled around the room with one of my bags in my hand. Elsie came to the door. "I thought you might like it" she said smiling her own crystal white smile.

"Yes I do. Thank- you" I replied back to her smiling.

"Your welcome sweetie. Now you can just leave your bags on the floor. Get changed for bed. I know you had a hard day. I hate to tell you this, but tomorrow is going to be even harder." I sighed and lowered my head, trying to hold back my tears. I looked back up at her with tears in my brown eyes. "I know" I said quietly. She came over and hugged me.

"Everything going to turn out okay, you'll see. Life gets better quicker then you think. Good night".


I smiled "Night Elsie".

I opened on of my bags and haled out an over sized FBI t-shirt my mother had given me. It reminded me of her so I wore it that night. I pulled back the ivory sheets and crawled into the bed. I lowered my head and as soon as I did I started to cry, muffled by my pillow so Elsie couldn't hear me.


SO PLEASE CRITC, I DON'T MIND!!!!!!!!
Last edited by Kelsi222 on Thu Mar 06, 2008 9:16 pm, edited 2 times in total.




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Eh...This is okay. You've got some things you'll need to change, though.

#1: Grammatical errors. Run this through word, or get a copy editor.

#2: The beginning is extremely cliche.

#3: During the first paragraphs, you've got so many fragments that broken glass would be jealous. Mold some together, balance everything with longsentences/shortsentences. Long, short. Long, short. Maybe an extra short for emphasis, but if you put too much then it gets boring.

#4: Err. Funky dialogue. What's with all the jammed-together dialogue? An example:

I was off into my own thought when I felt a hand against my shoulder. I whipped around ready to pound who ever it was, but as I turned, fists up, it was only my best guy friend, Max. "Hey Amelia" he said smiling down at me. "Mr.Dyer told us what happened to your mom. I'm really sorry". He hugged me. "Thanks" I said against his shoulder. "He also said when he finds out the funeral date, who ever in the class wants to go, they can." "Great" I said sarcastically. All I need it the bunch of popular bitched up in my face saying how sorry they were and acting like my best friend. When really they never said two words to me since fifth grade."What? I thought you'd be happy we were all going to be their." I looked up at him. "I am, if it was just you, Erin, Amita, Josh, Sophie and Diamond, you know, my real friends". He chuckled,"Yeah I get it, understandable". I smiled at him and looked away out over the duck pond. I walked a few steps closer to it and Max followed me.


Oh, well. You didn't mention she was schizophrenic.

#5: There's not really a point to the second chapter. All you have is her grieving. Readers want her to DO something.

--Seree.
"Video games don't affect kids. If Pacman had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills, and listening to repetitive electronic music." --anonymous/banner.




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Okay so here's Chapter Two, hope you guys like, it's not that long, but enjoy!!

CHAPTER TWO!!

I woke up the next morning with the sunlight of a new day streaming into my face through the light purple blinds. I rolled over and glanced at the white alarm clock. The red neon numbers read 9:24 AM. I groaned and rolled back over and threw a pillow over my face. Then it hit me like a tun of bricks. My mother was still dead. Still never coming back. I sat up and looked at the window. I got up and walked over to it, I then opened up the two french glass doors and walked out into the sunny May day. I leaned against the brass railing as I looked down at the busy street below.

People hurrying to get to work. Little kids screaming to their parents. When you sit back and just listen to the chaos, it is almost peaceful. That is kinda an oxymoron. Chaos being peaceful. My mom would always come up with stuff like that.

I heard a knock at the bedroom door. I walked off the patio and back into the room as I closed the two doors shut. I was about to answer the door when Elsie walked in. "Morning" she said with a smile.

"Morning" i replied back to her. I sat on the bed and slouched, folding my arms. She came over and sat next to me and rubbed me hand. I looked up at her with tears forming in my eyes. I then started to cry again. It seemed to be the only thing I did these days. She hugged me and stroked my blond hair.

"It's okay sweetie, everything is going to be okay". She released me and I looked at her.

"I know. But I just thought it would be better today. You know, maybe easier".

"I can believe that honey. When my mom died I felt the same way. But I am sorry to say this honey, but it doesn't get much easier". I laughed sarcastically and looked down at my hands.

"Yeah, well who ever said time heals everything, I'd like to punch them". She laughed.

"I would love to give a punch to that fool to. Come on, lets go downstairs and get something to eat."

We descended down the stairs were we at our breakfast. Amazing french toast, with delicious fresh orange and apple juice. I then went back up stairs to get changed, when I returned I told her I felt like taking a walk around the park. "Okay dear" she said with a smile, "But don't be to long" she added hastily.

"I won't" I promised. I walked out the front door and on to the street.

The spring sun felt like a cool relaxing blanket against my soft pale face. I had been a while since I had seen the huge yellow ball and felt the cool early spring wind running through my long wavy blond hair. It felt so relaxing and so enjoyable. It felt like it could suck all my problems away into tiny pieces. To bad it really couldn't. What I wouldn't wish for it to.

I was off into my own thoughts, not paying attention to my surroundings when I felt a hand against my shoulder. I whipped around ready to pound who ever it was, but as I turned, fists up, it was only my best guy friend, Max.

"Hey Amelia" he said smiling down at me. "Mr.Dyer told us what happened to your mom. I'm really sorry". He hugged me.

"Thanks" I said against his shoulder.

"He also said when he finds out the funeral date, who ever in the class wants to go, they can."

"Great" I said sarcastically. All I need it the bunch of popular bitches up in my face saying how sorry they were and acting like my best friend. When really they never said two words to me since fifth grade.

"What? I thought you'd be happy we were all going to be their." I looked up at him.

"I am, if it was just you, Erin, Amita, Josh, Sophie and Diamond, you know, my real friends".

He chuckled,"Yeah I get it, understandable". I smiled at him and looked away out over the duck pond. I walked a few steps closer to it and Max followed me.

"My mom used to take me out here when I was little to feed the ducks". And single tear shaded from my eye. Max saw it and put his to hands on my shoulders.

"It's going to be okay Amelia". I turned around to face him.

"How do you know it's going to be okay?" I was getting a tad bit pissed with people saying that. "Really Max how do you know!?! My mom was ASSENTED yesterday by god knows who! And he is now probably half way around the world by now, if it is who I think it is". I turned away from him in hurt and guilt from snapping at him.

"Who do you think it is?" I turned back around to face him.

"Leo Haswari". He looked confused at first, but then it came to him.

"Isn't that the Israel dude who took her hostage in the autopsy and kidnapped her?" I closed my eyes and looked down at my baby phat sneakers and nodded.

"Yeah, yeah it is. They could never catch him, and now she is dead. So they sure as hell better catch him this time".

I stormed off angry towards the lake. I stopped once I reached the edge. As I looked at over the peaceful view I breathed deeply trying to cool off before Max came over. I didn't want to blow up at him again, he was only trying to help. He came over and stood at my right.

"I'm sorry A, I didn't mean to up-set you"

"It's okay" I replied back, letting out another deep breath. "I know you are only trying to help" I continued. I plopped down on the hard wooden bench behind me, and Max did the same.

"Amelia?" he started. I looked at him with pink puffy eyes, waiting for him to finish, "I think you should go into the school tomorrow, and talk to Mrs.Reyes, she could help you with this, and I think you need someone to help you through this. Even though you have all of us to support you and all. But we are not proffensals. So I think you should talk to her". He said all that in one breath, I think because he was afraid I'd hit him if he stopped in between. I was I few seconds before I replied. I sighed and looked down at my hands.

"I know" I said looking back up at him.

"Really?" he said sounding shocked. "I thought you were going to hit me". I laughed then got up.

"I got to go. Elise is probably wondering where I am, and you know with everything I have to plan". Max got up and hugged me.

"You need anything. I'm there 24/7, I'm just a call away."

"I know"

"Bye Amelia",

"Bye Max". And we both walked off in opposite directions.

As I was walking home, I noticed myself thinking about stuff more positively. This was going to make me stronger. You know what they say, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Now all I needed to do was star making myself actual believing that.
Last edited by Kelsi222 on Thu Mar 06, 2008 9:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Hello, hello, hello...

My suggestion would be to post the chapters in separate threads. That way the reader doesn't have to read piecemeal bits of the chapters.

Anyway, a few pointers.

Each new piece of dialogue should have it's own paragraph along with a dialogue tag ("He said/she said/Bob said" etc...). Otherwise the reader gets lost in all the letters and forgets who's talking.

You have quite a lot of wrong words. They are usually words that sound almost the same but are completely different. But they are really distracting. Have someone like a teacher or parent or a friend (maybe ask someone here at YWS) to go through and pick out all the words and help you replace them. You also capitalize a lot of words unnecessarily. Again, just ask someone to help you pick them out...

These agent people seem really sweet and Amelia seems really comfortable with them hugging her and kissing her and all that. I'd be a little distanced from people after having my mom die, and I certainly wouldn't be letting total strangers around me like that. They seem really familiar really fast. Not quite believable.

Good luck with your writing!

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.




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I forgot to do that with the dialouge, our teacher had told us about that, but I forgot. Sorry.

I get what you are saying with the agents. But her mother has worked with them since and before she was born. And she is the only kid. Sorry, I should of been more clear about that.

Thanks, and I'll be sure to revise it!

Kelsi =)




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Hey, just a note to say Chapter Three is coming soon!!!!!!!! And can someone please R&R!!!! I would really like it!!!!!!

Thanks!!
Kelsi =)
Last edited by Kelsi222 on Thu Mar 06, 2008 9:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Hi,
This story is really well done, Kels. I really like. I'm glad that you put it in other fiction. It is a really good story, but it wasn't really noticed when you wrote about NCIS.

Keep Writing. This is your best story yet. You use really good description.

Make sure that you use SPELL CHECK and RE-READ IT!

Love From,
N

p.s. You Know You Love Me! :)
Writing is the only thing that, when I do it, I don't feel I should be doing something else.
-Gloria Steinem




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Thanks N,

I'll remember all that!!!

Bye =)




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Hi,
I like it. It needs a little work though. Run through your spell check. Also the character seems a little fake. The writing style isn't very good. It seems to choppy. I would give it a bit more work before you post another section.

I think that's it.

-steph




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Hey! Thanks for reading! But I was just wondering what you meant when you said the character seems fake?? Could you please tell me so I can fix it up??

Thanks,
Kelsi =)




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There were a ton of punctuation mistakes. I don't know if tat was just your machine getting funky or what but it was a little annoying.

Anyway, to say something positive, I liked your descriptions of what your character was doing, such as pounding her fists on the pavements and such. And you've developed a good storyline.

But, on the negative side, I have to say that your main character didn't feel REAL to me. Or genuine, in other words. I can't really explain why, because I don't even know the reason, and I'm sorry. But I hope that this helps a little.

Keep writing. Oh, and it would be better if you posted your chapters separately. Easier to read, and less confusing.




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Okay, thanks KJ for reading!



When a person tells you you hurt them, you don't get to decide you didn't.
— Louis C. K.