Melting a Midwest Winter

The reins of reason may have slipped
Momentarily from my grip.
I wasn't worried, it was not the first time
It would not go too far -
I never do.

I felt your lip ring on my tongue
"I think you've lost something"
It was all I could manage,
Before you smiled and leaned in
To take back what was yours.

There was still snow on your coat
In your hair and on your shoes.
You're moving to Long Beach in August
And I wonder -
Will your hands be as cold
When you kiss girls in California?
Or was it the Wisconsin air
That filled my lungs with your breath?

I liked the general feel of this poem but

The reins of reason may have slipped
Momentarily from my grip.
I wasn't worried, it was not the first time
It would not go too far -
I never do.

This first stanza's rhythm needs some serious work, the last line needs to be longer in order to fit properly.
Also the finish of the poem did not seem to be a proper finish I was waiting for more, so I think you should add another stanza to it in order to make it sound finished.

just some handy things to work on =)

Well, crap.
You almost made me cry. My boyfriend and I are going to different schools in August too.

I'm really bad at critiquing poetry, but I really liked the emotion of this poem. Sad, but not exactly depressing. Nice job.

I really liked this - which is something as Im not a huge fan of poetry - I apprecitae it but I cant write it...so yeah

I liked the middle stanza best, the way its ambiguous in a way, yet also very simple, if that made sense?

Keep this yup

Meevs

I'm not sure about this one...

You don't seem to have much consistency between your stanzas.

The reins of reason may have slipped
Momentarily from my grip.
I wasn't worried, it was not the first time
It would not go too far -
I never do.

The last two lines here are completely unrelated to the first three, do you see what I mean? First you're talking about the reigns of reason possibly slipping from your grip and then you're talking about not going to far [into what?] and that you never do go too far.

I felt your lip ring on my tongue
"I think you've lost something"
It was all I could manage,
Before you smiled and leaned in
To take back what was yours.

This stanza is alright, but you could make it a whole lot more poetic with just a few simple word changes. Perhaps you can add that the other person wasn't forgetting to take their lip ring with them.

There was still snow on your coat
In your hair and on your shoes.
You're moving to Long Beach in August
And I wonder -
Will your hands be as cold
When you kiss girls in California?
Or was it the Wisconsin air
That filled my lungs with your breath?

I think because the first line isn't quite finished that you should put a comma at the end of it, seeing as it continues on the next line. On the fifth line, consider adding the word 'then' after cold, because it's a futuristic question and will not disrupt the line following. The last two lines are inconsistant with the others in the stanzas, although I can see how they follow the "theme" of the cold. What do they have to do with one's hands being cold?

My favorite stanza was the first- however it does need some rhythm work, mainly in the last two lines.
The real problem came in the third stanza because of the jump between thoughts. You said,
" There was still snow on your coat
In your hair and on your shoes.
You're moving to Long Beach in August
And I wonder -
Will your hands be as cold
When you kiss girls in California?
Or was it the Wisconsin air
That filled my lungs with your breath?"

The line, "You're moving to Long Beach in August " seems really obvious. Would it be possible to show the reader that the character is moving rather than saying it? You don't really need to put in 'Long Beach' because the reader gets the feel without this detail. I must add that I love the question and the thought behind the last five lines. Well done.

Sorry to be harsh here but i wouldn't call this a poem. Nope not at all. i would call it a short story written in poem form. You might not agree with me but that is how i feel about your so called poem. You ended your poem with a question. Why? That is kind of saying "To be continued" all over it.

Hope to take my advice change it into a short story and it would be kind of neat.

TTYL SimonCowellLuver

Thanks for all the tips... I never write poetry, but after that happened it kind of wrote itself! So i am completely clueless about all format with the lines and stanzas and syllables and everything (Poetry has always seemed too structured to me)
I really appreciate the pointers!

And he wasn't my boyfriend, lyrical_sunshine, just a guy i met and kissed one night. I hope that doesn't change how you felt about it!

Don't listen to SimonCowellLuver, there are types of poems that are stories and poems at the same time.

Personally I really liked it, I like how it left some things up to the reader, but not enough to make it a really vague, pointless thought. I could feel the emotions too, especially since lately I've been thinking about all my friends who are going off to college next year Good stuff here, keep it up!

While this is, as previous critiquers have pointed out, occasionally inconsistent, it's a lovely little piece and shows a lot of potential--especially since you say you rarely write poetry. Do a little work with your punctuation; it's the spice of life.

Tristan wrote:The reins of reason may have slipped
Momentarily from my grip.
I wasn't worried, it was not the first time
It would not go too far -
I never do.

I felt your lip ring on my tongue
"I think you've lost something"
It was all I could manage,
Before you smiled and leaned in
To take back what was yours.

There was still snow on your coat
In your hair and on your shoes.
You're moving to Long Beach in August
And I wonder -
Will your hands be as cold
When you kiss girls in California?
Or was it the Wisconsin air
That filled my lungs with your breath?

Hmm...I think this needs a lot done to it. Keep up the good work!

-Rick

I could feel the emotion with this one. I thought this was good and it flowed really nice.

Also, this is to SimonCowellLover. Poems can be stories. Sometimes, that's the whole point to write a story but have it be in poem form.

Umm, back to your peom, I really don't have any nit-picks for you since I didn't notice any! All I can say is good work!