Flash Prison

9:21. Two minutes separate the hallway from the threat of blooming to a jungle of hormone-infested creatures. Everyone, except one, is tense, diligently watching the red menace of the clock. Marty, as always, is watching the painful beauty beneath it.
He hoped that she wouldn't turn his way. A sweat bead inched in the side of his oily face as he tried hard to forget what it would feel like being a prisoner of those heart-melting blue eyes, escaping only to fall into those full red lips. It was too much; he closed his eyes.
9:22. Annie felt like bolting through the door, away from the eternity she had left with Spanish class. She was tapping her high-heels in the floor. She wondered what Jenny would think of her new shirt. She sighed, then looked around in the room. She landed her eyes on Marty.
He froze; even his sweat bead slowed a bit. The air around him stilled, running away and leaving him breathless. He couldn't think; there was nothing to think about. There was only those eyes, the deep blue ocean he was drowning on. He was at the mercy of this goddess.
9:23, and a buzz that pierced his cage. Annie released her prisoner, turning away as she left the room. Marty, still quite frozen, dragged his feet out into the jungle outside. He palmed the sweat bead stuck in limbo. She had lost him; next time she wouldn't be so forgiving.

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Sorry if I submit twice in one day, I've been forgetting to post them. And this isn't even long enough to be called flash fiction (according to Wikipedia I'm short 2 words).

Nah, there's not really a minimum length for flash -- consider Hemingway's six-word story: "For sale -- baby shoes, never worn." That's flash fiction, even being so short.

Prokaryote

Hello there! *waves* I think I've seen you around YWS a couple times.

She landed her eyes on Marty.

"Her eyes landed on Marty" would get rid of the passive voice here.

9:23, and a buzz that pierced his cage.

"That" is unnecessary there, and it'd be best just to get rid of it.

Hmm... this is an odd bit of flash fiction (which, by the way, never listen to Wikipedia. Lol). I'm not entirely sure what it's about? But I suppose that's a good thing -- leaves a lot to the imagination, which is kind of the point of flash fiction.

Anyway, your ending kind of drops off and there's not much rising action. I think you should come up with a more natural conclusion and make your climax a bit more dramatic, because right now it's kind of bland and boring and blah.

But the writing is good at the very least, and yay for quick reads, lol. It's fast and fluent and generally well-writen. Good job!

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

I think I liked this. XD

The first go 'round, I had not clue what I was reading, but the second time it made more sense. I like how it was all one big metaphor, even though that is why I was so confused at first.

One major thing that bothered me is that the first paragraph is in present tense whereas the rest of the piece is in past. You might have done that on purpose, but I thought I'd point that out anyway.

She was tapping her high-heels in the floor.

Shouldn't that be "She was tapping her high-heels AGAINST the floor?" Or maybe "ON the floor?"

She sighed, then looked around in the room.

I think it should either be "She sighed, then looked around inside the room." or you should just delete the "in" all together.

There was only those eyes, the deep blue ocean he was drowning on.

Should be "...drowning IN" methinks.
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I think this might go better in Romance Fiction, but I guess that's up to you.

If I was unclear about anything, feel free to PM me!

Hope this helps.
~Azila~

I didn't really think I was going for a story - just a moment in time, like a haiku. But in flash fiction. And sorry for the grammar mistakes, I wrote this went I'm sleepy (and I have to edit it tomorrow because I'm sleepy now too). Thanks for the feedback!