This World Is Mad

ok, this is my first time posting here and I´m kinda a bit scared to do so since I´m not a that good writer, but I rlly wanna know what u guys think, so please review, but plz no flames.....this is just something i wrote one night when I couldn´t sleep....

This World Is Mad

Last night I crawled to my bed
I couldn´t bring myself to sleep again
My eyes wouldn´t get closed
And I thought whether I did something wrong
Since I couldn´t seem to sleep for so long
I heard voices, whispers, yells
They all told me everything´s gonna be right again
But when I looked at the faces around
I was sure I´ll never forget

All the pain, all the suffering, that´s all in my head
And because of it I can´t bring myself to bed
Am I the only one who sees this world´s craziness?

My dad yells because of a messy bedroom
My mum tells me to care more about my looks
My brother has place only for his girlfriend
And when I look at them and see what they do
It makes me angry and I leave out cries of rage
But then I realize thats what is hunting me
And I try to see the world as pink as it could be

But in the dark of the night my cries are the only thing left
And I think maybe the world wouldn´t be so black
If every one of us would try to stop this craziness

My friend worries about what the others think
The neighbour yells at the kid of the street
The teachers tell us to get better grades

And I just listen to them and wonder why they can´t see
What the world shows to me:
All the sorrow, all the pain, all the suffering and all the death
Why are they so obsessed about their creepy little problems
That they can´t see what the world shows to me:
All the pain, all the sorrow, all the suffering and all the death

Today I´ll crawl to my bed again
And I won´t be able to sleep
becauase I´ll be lost in thoughts
lost in all the cries and the dark of the night
and I´ll ask myself: Am I the only one who´s able to see
this world´s mad

Mkay. So this poem has some potential. But it also has a few major problems.
1. Punctuation, por favor? It'd make this a lot easier to read.

2. Maybe it's just me, but I don't get much emotion out of this. You speak of the whole "pain and suffering" thing, but it's just pretty general, and kinda cliche. Ya know what I mean?

3. You write about problems that all of us face (ie., your father doesn't want you to have a messy room... teachers tell you to get better grades...), and you're talking about how this all brings you so much pain and suffering. And then you go and say this:
"Why are they so obsessed about their creepy little problems"...
Let's go back and view your reasons youre still awake here. Contradictory much?


It will help you grow as a writer when you learn to make your work more original and convey stronger emotion. Keep writing!

--Quippie

This was good, especially if this is your first post. (Just stay away from slang writing - plz etc - or the Grammar Nazi's will get you!)

My eyes wouldn´t get closed

A bit of an awkward line. Doesn't really follow the beat and 'get' seems out of place.

My dad yells because of a messy bedroom
My mum tells me to care more about my looks
My brother has place only for his girlfriend
And when I look at them and see what they do
It makes me angry and I leave out cries of rage
But then I realize thats what is hunting me
And I try to see the world as pink as it could be

This whole stanza is story like. It doesn't have any sense of rhythm and it does a lot of showing instead of telling. It's also only showing really normal things....

Why are they so obsessed about their creepy little problems

Creepy doesn't fit at all. Another word?

lost in all the cries and the dark of the night
and I´ll ask myself: Am I the only one who´s able to see
this world´s mad

I like this as an ending. It is very final, which is good.

Overall, you need to structure this poem a lot better so that it has a rhythm. It doesn't have to rhyme, but some sort of order would help it a lot more. Also, try to make it a bit more descriptive - we want more imagery and emotion.

All the best,
Alainna
xx

Last night I crawled to my bed
I couldn´t bring myself to sleep again
My eyes wouldn´t get closed
And I thought whether I did something wrong
Since I couldn´t seem to sleep for so long
I heard voices, whispers, yells
They all told me everything´s gonna be right again - ah.. repeating again.. throws the poem off a little.
But when I looked at the faces around
I was sure I´ll never forget

All the pain, all the suffering, that´s all in my head
And because of it I can´t bring myself to bed - doesn't flow pretty well. have you read it aloud?
Am I the only one who sees this world´s craziness? Ha. The world is crazy. You got that right.

My dad yells because of a messy bedroom
My mum tells me to care more about my looks
My brother has place only for his girlfriend
And when I look at them and see what they do
It makes me angry and I leave out cries of rage
But then I realize thats what is hunting me
And I try to see the world as pink as it could be - AH! CONFUSING? I may love the color pink, so is it like, pink stands for pretty? Peaceful? Calm? Uncrazy? =)

But in the dark of the night my cries are the only thing left
And I think maybe the world wouldn´t be so black
If every one of us would try to stop this craziness

My friend worries about what the others think
The neighbour yells at the kid of the street
The teachers tell us to get better grades

And I just listen to them and wonder why they can´t see
What the world shows to me:
All the sorrow, all the pain, all the suffering and all the death
Why are they so obsessed about their creepy little problems
That they can´t see what the world shows to me:
All the pain, all the sorrow, all the suffering and all the death - Nice repetition.

Today I´ll crawl to my bed again
And I won´t be able to sleep
becauase I´ll be lost in thoughts
lost in all the cries and the dark of the night
and I´ll ask myself: Am I the only one who´s able to see
this world´s mad

Is this from the view of a crazy person or something? Because everything in the poem the speaker complins about is stuff that happens everyday that makes total sense, like the teacher telling us to get better grades (so we can get into college) or the neighbor yelling at the kids in the street (so he can relax and have some quiet).The poem is pretty well written though - easy to read. Some adjetives don't make sense, even as metaphors. But its your poem..
You're a pretty good writer! Keep at it!