Starting and ending it with the same two lines is really the only thing that really is poetic about this. It feels way too prosy. I'm with Incan and bob on this one. Those two really know their stuff.
Please, sit down before you fall down.
Belloq, "Raiders of the Lost Ark"
The problem with this poem is that it doesn't have any conflict. You keep on repeating how this man is your man, yet the reader is unaware why this man, being hers, doesn't react to her in any shape or form. Thus, the reader becomes confused. Get into the conflict! It's not a story, yes, but there must be something that leads us on and makes us want to finish reading the poem.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
Clever. I liked the italization of "was" in the last line. It really drives the point home. But the rest is sort of "blah." Take the other's adivce, but keep writing!!
I agree with Snoink on the whole conflict issue. You could be trying to be subtle or trying to keep the reader guessing but since it is more like a story in poem form (prose) I think you should tell us a bit more.
Otherwise I really liked it and I think submitting it for school would be a great idea.
~SishBee~
x
"We are all in the gutter but some of us are looking at the stars."
-Oscar Wilde
