My man

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Starting and ending it with the same two lines is really the only thing that really is poetic about this. It feels way too prosy. I'm with Incan and bob on this one. Those two really know their stuff.
Please, sit down before you fall down.
Belloq, "Raiders of the Lost Ark"




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The problem with this poem is that it doesn't have any conflict. You keep on repeating how this man is your man, yet the reader is unaware why this man, being hers, doesn't react to her in any shape or form. Thus, the reader becomes confused. Get into the conflict! It's not a story, yes, but there must be something that leads us on and makes us want to finish reading the poem.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D




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Clever. I liked the italization of "was" in the last line. It really drives the point home. But the rest is sort of "blah." Take the other's adivce, but keep writing!!

~Yoyo 8)
@(^_^)@
Got YWS?




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I agree with Snoink on the whole conflict issue. You could be trying to be subtle or trying to keep the reader guessing but since it is more like a story in poem form (prose) I think you should tell us a bit more.

Otherwise I really liked it and I think submitting it for school would be a great idea.

~SishBee~
x
"We are all in the gutter but some of us are looking at the stars."
-Oscar Wilde



You walk into this room at your own risk, because it leads to the future, not a future that will be but one that might be. This is not a new world, it is simply an extension of what began in the old one. It has patterned itself after every dictator who has ever planted the ripping imprint of a boot on the pages of history since the beginning of time. It has refinements, technological advances, and a more sophisticated approach to the destruction of human freedom. But like every one of the super states that preceded it, it has one iron rule: logic is an enemy and truth is a menace.
— Rod Serling