Tortured Souls

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Tortured Souls

The taxi pulled up outside the terraced Ealing house early one morning. Its occupant squeezed out and smiled amid the sneering winter chill. He’d found the right address. The moment he had waited so long for had at last dawned.


The bell rang. Twice. Patrick sighed as he tore himself away from his breakfast in front of the television. Though he had vowed to discover the fate of his local football team, he knew how much his wife hated interrupting her daily ritual of fried eggs, bacon and toast in the kitchen. He unbolted the door, to find –

A blunt figure standing on his porch, coldly gazing at him.

Silence reigned, before Patrick could bring himself to speak. “Who… who are you?”

“Who do you think I am?” He began to stride towards him.

“Look, you… you can’t just barge into someone else’s house like that-”

Elaine peered from behind the kitchen door. “What’s going on?”

The man glared at her, before turning his eyes back to his opponent. “I have every right to be here.”

“Who says?”

“Those bastards who let you out!”

Elaine tried to quell his rage. “Calm down, sir…”

“You killed Stuart, didn’t you?” the man said, gritting his teeth. “My son, Stuart?”

“Sir, please-” Her blithe plea was only met by silence, as the attacker lunged further and further forwards.

“What do you want from me?” Patrick cried. “WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!”

The man answered simply, “I want you to die.” He produced the knife, relishing the moment. Just as he had destroyed his family’s lives by taking Stuart away, so he could destroy theirs.

He pointed. “Get in the living room. Get in the living room!”

A girl appeared from upstairs. “Mummy, what’s happening?”

“Shut up!” the man shouted. At once the child disappeared, sobbing.

He ordered the couple to find their video camera and set the living room up exactly how he wanted it. Like oblivious mannequins, Elaine positioned herself over her husband, now frozen on the floor. The puppeteer placed the weapon in her fist.

He switched on the camcorder. “What’s your name, miss?”

“Elaine,” she sobbed behind quaking lips.

“Elaine. Such a pretty name. Now, Elaine,” the man announced, “how much do you love your husband?”

“I love him to pieces…”

He punched the air, screaming. Steadying himself, he breathed, “Let’s try again, shall we? Elaine, tell me, how much do you love your husband?”

“I hate him…”

“Louder!”

“I hate my husband!” she cried. “I HATE MY HUSBAND!”

He smiled. “Excellent. Perfect answer. Now, Patrick, why do you think your wife hates you so very, very much?”

“Because of what I did.”

He laughed. “We are all fools! We have no idea what you did! So tell us – what did you do?”

The victim gave in and confessed. "I… I killed him.”

“Who?”

“Your son, Stuart.”

The man couldn’t believe his luck. Patrick, whom he had pursued for so long, finally revealed the obvious. “Did you kill the others, too?”

“Yes. I killed them all. All fifteen.”

“And we all know what happens to men who kill fifteen young boys, don’t we? They must pay for their evil ways. They must pay!” The executioner sighed. “Oh, I wish we still had the death penalty. Then I wouldn’t have to go through all this mess.”




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Heya! Let's take a peek:

'The moment he had waited so long for had at last dawned.'

I would put a comma in after 'for'.

I couldn't see much esle, but grammar is hardly my number one trait!

This is a good modern plot, I liked it!

~D'Aedomir~
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Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
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He unbolted the door, to find –

A blunt figure standing on his porch, coldly gazing at him.
I don't like the format of this. You don't need the dash or the break.

Just as he had destroyed his family’s lives by taking Stuart away, so he could destroy theirs.
Woah, no. Cut that out, haha. That's something the reader needs to realize for themselves, and something you do not need to tell us.


Hmmm this is really strange but I like it. I just wish there was more. For example, how did he kill the boys, and why? That would make the story more interesting. The fact that there was more than one was good, because I was thinking, "Oh, it's that cliché of father revenge," and I was worried for it.

Your action is kind of stilted, so consider adding more narration. Don't just talk about movement, describe things. Use imagery, all of the senses. Your dialogue was also a bit dry. The idea is good, but spice up your writing. Make it longer. Make me sweat.

I hope to see an edited version!

Edit: Also, I hate contradicting other people? Don't take this personally Aedomir!

'The moment he had waited so long for had at last dawned.'

I would put a comma in after 'for'.
A comma doesn't go there, because then there is a comma in the middle of the phrase and that would make no sense.
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Thanks. Comments much appreciated.

Will work on it.
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This was interesting. Like Suzanne said, you should add some more description because I don't really have any mental picture of the scene. What do the characters look like? What does the scene look like? Not only visual, though... what does the room SMELL like? What do the characters SMELL like? And feel too--is the room warm or cold? How about when the father opens the door, does a blast of cold air blow in? You say in the beginning that it's chilly, but elaborate. ~_^

The bell rang. Twice.
I don't like this. Maybe make it, "The bell rang--once; twice."

He unbolted the door, to find –

A blunt figure standing on his porch, coldly gazing at him.
Again, I agree with Suzanne: this should be, "He unbolted the door, to find a blunt figure standing on his porch, coldly gazing at him. " I like the word "blunt" to describe a person, but you should elaborate on his appearance, methinks.

Silence reigned, before Patrick could bring himself to speak.
This feels weird to me. Maybe try something like, "An uncomfortable silence reigned the [stuffy/chilly/etc] room. Clearing his throat, Patrick began to speak." You can also go deeper into the description of the silence. :wink:

A girl appeared from upstairs. “Mummy, what’s happening?”

“Shut up!” the man shouted. At once the child disappeared, sobbing.
I don't like this. A little kid wouldn't just go away sobbing. Maybe Elaine or Patrick should tell her to go back to her room or something?
--------

That's it for the nitpicks. I hope this helps!

~Azila~




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Yeah, try to develop your characters more.

Also, if you wanted the thriller/horror effect to play a big part of this, then make sure that you push the element in the first place. It's not scary or thrilling at all. I just read through it, being bored.

Also, the big space between the 1/2nd paragraph is awkward. Is it meant to be there?
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Hello there! I haven't seen you around YWS before. My name is Saint and I shall be your critiquer today. :D

The taxi pulled up outside the terraced Ealing house early one morning.

Early one morning? Ick. That makes me want to retch. Please get rid of it -- to be honest, it's pretty amateur-ish.

“Shut up!” the man shouted. At once the child disappeared, sobbing.

Something about the fact that the child is crying so quickly bugs me. I think you'd be better off without it.

“Elaine,” she sobbed behind quaking lips.

How exactly do you speak behind your mouth? I'd change it to "through quaking lips" if you ask me.


Hmm. An interesting oneshot. I definitely like your ending. Now, my only real complaint with this is that it's a bit too short. Your concept is lovely, although some of your wording seems forced, but the biggest flaw is the fact that there isn't enough time to get engaged in the story. Some more time to attach and identify with the characters would be really nice.

Other than that, this is a wonderful piece! Some more length would do wonderfully, though. ^^

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!

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I loved it, I honestly thought it was going to be boring, but wow I was so wrong.




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This seemed to be missing a lot, like it was a piece out of a much larger story, but you don't know much about the story it came out of. I would really want to know the background of these characters and really understand who they are so that the events would mean something to me.
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Thought that it was interesting, but kind of lost me at the end...
Who killed who and why such the sudden entry into the story? You didn't really give us a beginning, but just stepped right in and smacked in our faces, you following?
Are you going to edit it, because I think that you should.
Have fun!
shanan-cat!
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I will edit it.

This isn't one of my best stories.
"Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself." William Faulkner.

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