There All Along

Areida · 2005-04-29T02:51:11Z

Just a freewrite I did today in under an hour... if there's anything you particularly like or dislike about my style of writing (that you can get out of this jumble of incoherent ramblings... :wink: ) then I would definitely appreciate you telling me. Thanks. :D “Look, Annie!” I turn, football clasped firmly in my arms. “Not now, Em!” I call over my shoulder, sprinting toward the makeshift goal line in our backyard. Hunter catches me from behind and I shriek as he carries me under his arm to the goal line. “Touchdown!” he shouts, dropping me unceremoniously. I laugh with the rest of my friends and shove his blue jean-clad leg from my spot in the grass. He snatches the football away from me. “You want to snap this time?” “Sure,” I say, standing up and brushing off my shorts. I try not to sound too eager. Before I can rejoin the group, however, my little sister Emily runs up to me and tugs my sleeve. “Annie! Come on! I have to show you something.” I sigh, exasperated. “Look, not right now, Emily. Can’t you see I’m playing here?” Emily looks hurt, and I lean down next to her ear. “Hunter’s here,” I whisper urgently. “Can’t it wait? Please?” Emily shakes her head, blonde pigtails bouncing on her shoulders. “No. I have to show you now .” Torn between not wanting to hurt my little sister’s feelings and my desire to play more tackle football with Hunter, I look over my shoulder at the group, and then back to Emily’s eager face. I haven’t seen her this excited about something in months. “You coming, Annie?” Hunter calls, football in hand. I groan mentally, and it takes all my self-restraint not to sprint to where he is as fast as my legs will carry me. “No,” I call, frustrated. “You guys go ahead; I’ll be back in a minute.” I jerk my head in Emily’s direction and shrug, giving him a look that says, “You know how little sisters are.” He grins and my friends proceed into the first down. Sighing longingly, I watch Hunter for a moment before Emily grabs my hand. “Come on.” She drags me behind Dad’s abundant azaleas and stops at the base of a large oak. “It’s up there.” She point to out old platform tree house. I shake my head and take a step back. “Uh uh. No way.” I haven’t been up there since the afternoon it happened, and I wasn’t about to go back up now. “Please, Annie?” her blue eyes fill with tears. “It’s really important.” I swallow hard, fighting tears, and wish I could just go back and flirt with Hunter. “Come on,” Emily turns and climbs the ladder to the platform that is our tree house. My throat burns with tears unshed and I climb up behind her. The second I step onto the platform, I am hit by a rush of bittersweet memories that make me want to curl up and weep. “What is it, Em?” I ask, impatience in my voice to cover the pain. I frown, watching her unusually still form. She turns her face and her eyes are bright, joyful. “I saw her, Annie.” I groan mentally. Not another imaginary friend. You’d think that by age nine she’d have outgrown them. “Who?” I ask patiently. “Mommy.” My heart stops, then speeds up. “Oh… Emily… honey, no, you didn’t.” I swallow, hot tears filling my eyes. “Did too,” she protests, putting one hand on her hip and pointing somewhere out in the distance. “See?” I tear my eyes away from my sister’s face and look out at the sky. The sun is beginning to set, the sky slowly turning pink. I walk closer to Emily. “See her?” she asks with condescending patience. I take my sister in my arms. “There’s nothing there, Em…” I choke out, tightening the hug. “She’s gone, sweetie.” I swallow and utter the words I hate to hear. “She’s dead.” She has been for one year—to the day. Did Emily know that? “No.” Emily shoves me away, determination like steel in her blue eyes. “You’re not listening! ” She reaches up and captures my chin in her small fingers, turning my head toward the sunset. “Look!” I shut my eyes, and push her hands away from me, turning my face from the sky to look into the growing darkness of our backyard. “Stop it, Emily.” I choke. “Please stop.” Does she have any idea what she’s doing to me? I hear shrieks of laughter from the impromptu football game, and I wish fervently I were down on the ground with my friends. I open my eyes, letting my breath out slowly, swallowing the tears that threaten to spill over. I turn. Emily is sitting on her hands, her legs hanging off the platform, swinging lethargically back and forth. Her eyes are wide, flickering restlessly over the treetops and scanning the clouds where bursts of sunlight reach out frantically from behind them as they disappear for the day. “I can’t find her,” she says, her voice filled with disappointment, sounding almost whiny. She tugs on one of her braids impatiently, eyes scanning the sky. I cross the small platform and sit cross-legged next to her. “Em…” She doesn’t look at me, and I take her hand in mine. “She wasn’t there.” Emily tightens her grip on my hand and turns to face me. “Do you remember what Mommy said before she left?” “What are you talking about? She didn’t say anything before she left… she didn’t know that she was going to get into a car wreck.” My face contorts in pain. “You have to remember.” Emily says, scooting close to me, her skinny, tanned legs against my pale ones. I’m almost never outside anymore; it reminds me too much of Mom. “All she said was that she loved us and she’ll be back in a few minutes.” Who could have known that she’d never come back from a twenty-minute trip to the grocery store? Emily shakes her head urgently, pigtails slapping against her t-shirt. “No, Annie. Think. What did Mommy say?” I feel the tears come back as a rush of memories hits me. “I don’t want to remember, Em.” I whisper. “It hurts too much to think about her.” Emily wraps her small arms around my waist and holds me tight, as though I am the child, and she is the big sister. I put my arms around her and bury my face in her soft blonde hair, the hot tears falling onto her scalp. Her small hand rubs my back slowly… gliding up and down, just like Mom used to do. I am shaking with silent sobs, the tears dropping rapidly. Finally, Emily draws back, and there is a sheen of moisture across her eyes, her eyes so like our mother’s. She smiles through her tears and turns her face toward the sky, where the last rays of the sun are bursting through the clouds. “Look, Annie.” My eyes shift and take in the light streaming in glorious, pink rays, contrasting the purple hues of the sky against the dark outlines of the trees jutting into the horizon. I inhale sharply at the last burst of the sun, which outlines an oddly shaped cloud… My mother's words come back to me as my sister whispers urgently. "'Listen to me girls,' Mommy used to say. 'Never give up hope; God always leaves a remnant.' Can you see her now, Annie?” Emily whispers. “Can you?” Suddenly, I am smiling, tears running down my face. “Yes,” I am laughing and crying at the same time. “I can see her.” Emily is laughing too, salty droplets of water from her eyes running down her cheeks to her neck. “I love you, Mommy!” I cannot tell whether I am crying or laughing. “I love you!” I join in. Jubilant, we laugh until our sides ache, two sisters sharing in the bittersweet memories of a mother taken all too soon. Our tears blend in a puddle on the wood; it is impossible to tell where the water of her grief ends and mine begins. The sun is gone now, and darkness descends over our backyard, from the tip of the rooftop to the freshly mowed grass. “Are you going to play with Hunter?” Emily asks. I’d forgotten all about him. “No.” I reply. “He’s probably already left.” Oddly enough, I don’t even care. Emily stands, brushing sand off her cotton shorts. “I’m going to make sure the rest of your friends are gone.” I nod, glad my sister understands I can’t be a hostess right now. “Thanks.” Emily smiles, wisdom beyond her years in those blue eyes. “Don’t mention it.” I watch her descend the ladder to rejoin the world, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I lean my head back, stretching my neck, and feeling utterly insignificant in the vastness of the steadily blackening sky. The first stars appear. I allow the memories to course through me, purging the blackness that has overtaken me since my mother died. I see flashes of her smiling face, glimpses of her joyful laughter. I was angry when she died. I couldn’t understand why she left us. But now, I realize that she’s been here all along. A smile spreads across my face. “Hi Mom,” I whisper. “I’ve missed you.”

Kay Kay

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Mon May 09, 2005 3:01 pm

Kay Kay says... · Mon May 09, 2005 3:01 pm

I liked it...but it was sad. Adorable too. I agree with Shreik..if i spelled that right. Good job though. I can't wait to read more.

Quarrels would not last long if the fault were only on one side.
--La Rochedoucauld

"An unexamined life is not worth living..."
---Socraties

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DarkerSarah

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Thu May 12, 2005 2:54 am

DarkerSarah says... · Thu May 12, 2005 2:54 am

"I haven’t been up there since the afternoon it happened, and I wasn’t about to go back up now." - This is just being knit-picky, because I really liked your story, but this sentence seems a little too cliche to me. The whole "the after it happened," at least. Also, you refered to tears being "hot" twice, and while this is again being knit-picky, I'm an editor and can't help but notice these things.

I agree with...whoever said it...that you don't have a lot of description, but that's a good thing. I loathe reading overly descriptive pieces, especially point-blank physical descriptions, but you did a nice job of weaving those into the story.

Admittedly, I was kind of hoping it was going to be a ghost story, but the whole sunset thing really tied it all together. Nice touch. I think this is the first thing I've read of yours, and I'm impressed. Not overly impressed, mind you, but it's a piece of work with skill and wisdom beyond your years. (Now who's being cliche?)

-Sarah

"And I am a writer
writer of fiction
I am the heart that you call home
And I've written pages upon pages
Trying to rid you from my bones...
Let me go if you don't love me" ~The Decembrists "Engine Driver"

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Kay Kay

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Thu May 12, 2005 2:53 pm

Kay Kay says... · Thu May 12, 2005 2:53 pm

Loved it!! Keep up the good work! I didn't catch any errors...but like Meshugenah said there might be some. Can't wait to read more!

Quarrels would not last long if the fault were only on one side.
--La Rochedoucauld

"An unexamined life is not worth living..."
---Socraties

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nickelpickle

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Mon May 30, 2005 3:17 am

nickelpickle says... · Mon May 30, 2005 3:17 am

Areida, this was truly amazing. It was one of the few pieces of fiction that has literally brought me to tears. You did an excellent job on this and I am absolutely amazed that a fifteen year old could bring this much meaning to her work.

"There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around."

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Ceylon

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Tue May 31, 2005 12:40 am

Ceylon says... · Tue May 31, 2005 12:40 am

Hello, you did a good job, very good job.

You have a talent for writing.

juste essayer

La fin d'ordinaire, et vous ne verriez pas ce que vient.

Comment bon il s'avérera être..

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Sam

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Wed Jun 15, 2005 3:47 am

Sam says... · Wed Jun 15, 2005 3:47 am

I don't know what's wrong with me...I didn't get very much out of it. Sorry to be a stinker, but it seemed too much like 'Oh, my mom died and now I'm sad'. Sadly (ehm...sorry for the redundancy) too many stories with this plot are absolute pieces of crap. If we read something new with that same storyline, we automatically think 'CRAP ALERT!' and shut our minds to the style and flow.

That was probably what put me off.

I did love the bit with Hunter...honestly, I've had that feeling before. And put off many things to get that extra minute with- *ahem, perhaps I shouldn't say. :twisted:

*

Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.

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Wiggy

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Sat Sep 23, 2006 2:52 am

Wiggy says... · Sat Sep 23, 2006 2:52 am

Awesomely awesome Ari!!!!! I've always loved your work...

Wiggy

"I will have to tell you, you have bewitched me body and soul..." --Mr. Darcy, P & P, 2005 movie
"You pierce my soul." --Cpt. Frederick Wentworth

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Areida

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Sat Sep 23, 2006 3:36 am

Areida says... · Sat Sep 23, 2006 3:36 am

Ohh man this thing is so old... I should edit it. *cringes*

But thanks anyway, Mary.

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Snoink

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Sat Sep 23, 2006 3:38 am

Snoink says... · Sat Sep 23, 2006 3:38 am

DON'T EDIT IT. Otherwise, I will sic the pigs on you.

Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic!

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Areida

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Sat Sep 23, 2006 3:58 am

Areida says... · Sat Sep 23, 2006 3:58 am

Not even evil grammatical errors???

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Snoink

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Sat Sep 23, 2006 4:06 am

Snoink says... · Sat Sep 23, 2006 4:06 am

XD

What grammatical errors?

Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic!

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Wiggy

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Sat Sep 23, 2006 1:37 pm

Wiggy says... · Sat Sep 23, 2006 1:37 pm

I didn't see any!!!!!

I like searching for old stories and then commenting on them...it's fun!

Wiggy

"I will have to tell you, you have bewitched me body and soul..." --Mr. Darcy, P & P, 2005 movie
"You pierce my soul." --Cpt. Frederick Wentworth

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Areida

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Tue Oct 24, 2006 1:52 am

Areida says... · Tue Oct 24, 2006 1:52 am

“Come on,” Emily turns and climbs the ladder to the platform that is our tree house.

SEE???

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"Most of us have far more courage than we ever dreamed we possessed."
- Dale Carnegie

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Snoink

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Tue Oct 24, 2006 3:02 am

Snoink says... · Tue Oct 24, 2006 3:02 am

Areida wrote:
“Come on,” Emily turns and climbs the ladder to the platform that is our tree house.

SEE???

Okay. Maybe that needs to be tweaked. So you get to put a period where a comma is. But seriously... we love sappy writing! And when I say we, that means that all my characters like it. Otherwise, they would simply not exist.

Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic!

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Certainly Love

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Thu Nov 09, 2006 11:05 am

Certainly Love says... · Thu Nov 09, 2006 11:05 am

Everything is good. Almost perfect. Ok. MAybe perfect...The only thing that bothered me was that it was in first person...and it was written in present tense. I really don't like reading in present tense, but I am not the one writing it. All in all, everything was...good. Really good.

Sincerely, Amanda R. Holden, Author of Azyea's GIfts

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