Loneliness

I am not a people person
I like to be alone
That is why i don't have...
any friends.

But who cares. Right?
No one cares about me.
Not now. Not ever.
But who gives a damn.

My life is going in a tailspin
I know where i am going when i die.
But i am not very sure no more
and i don't really care.

I have a home but it is in a rural area.
Where no one can bother me.
Now i am happy.
But now you are sad that i left.

But i don't care what your feelings are.
I don't even care about mine.
I am so alone.
But i don't care no more.

This world isn't made for me.
So I want to leave it all behind.
To go somewhere peaceful.
But there cannot be anyone there.

Why can't people just leave me alone?
I don't want them.
All they want is my money.
I say to them " get the hell off my property!"

They run away like a little baby.
They are so scared of me.
Of what i became.
Now i just run away.

Hello dear! ^^

Spotted your piece and thought I'd come visit. Now, I have to say, while I understand the narrative of it, and I can see the meaning... it's not really a poem, as such. It lacks all the poetic elements. No description, no techniques like metaphors or similies, you're not allowing the story to unfold by itself, you're leading the reader through each bit and keeping them from connecting by allowing them their own expecience.

If we take your first stanza,

"I am not a people person
I like to be alone
That is why i don't have...
any friends. "

We can see if some poetry can come in somewhere...

I am not a people person.
You are all apple trees in an orchard,
I am the jacaranda sitting out front,
alone but thriving alive.

The description, the metaphors allow for imagery, so the reader can envisage the scene, the idea and connect to your persona.

With some work this could be very good, it has a good base.

I especially like your last line "Now I just run away" in keeping with the first line of that stanza, with the other people running, it's a nice contrast.

If you do work on this, please Pm me, I'd like to see how it turns out.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

This poem has absolutely no substance. It's a list of "poor me" complaints mixed hint of cynicism and a touch of sarcasm. Put simply it sucks.

Who taught you grammar?

But i am not very sure no more

-Try "any more"


Learn to capitalize your i's. You seem to forget through out your poem, though I will concede to the fact that you do remember to sometimes.

Over all, I recommend scrapping this. It's not even worth a second look. All you do is complain and it's rather annoying. Why should the reader care about how much you like to be alone and how little you care?

There you have it.

Micha

Pengu pointed out a lot of good things, but I think the one big thing is this: Why should the reader care about your speaker? Because as it is, I don't care about your speaker, or what she is doing, at all. Why does she not like people? Did something happen to her or is she just a cranky misanthrope? If I'm going to read a poem I have to care about the narrator and what is happening. This is more like just a really strange personal story that no one but the writer would care about...Hate to say that but it is true.

But i don't care no more.

Double negatives are really gross. It makes a good voice, but if you're going to give your narrator a voice, do it more than once. Otherwise, say "I don't care anymore".

I say to them " get the hell off my property!"

Don't use emotions in your poetry. It does nothing for the piece other than make you look immature.

Like Pengu said, this also has no poetic elements to it--so why is it a poem? If you really want to get into poetry I suggest going to your local book store, finding the poetry section, and buying something. Longfellow, Frost, Keats, Dickinson. Anything. Read some poetry. It will show you and teach you a lot more than anything I can say. And if you don't want to go buy a book, read something on here by Incandescence, Whence, Via, Caligulas_Launderette. All of them are amazing poets. Read poetry here and read the critiques. What are people saying about the poem? This will help you to realize what you should do in your poetry to make it good.


Best of luck!

I also thought there was no substance in this. What were you trying to get across with this poem? Since there was not much emotion in it, I was expecting a joke ending, but it just fizzled out. If you're going to write a peom like this again, think of why s/he ended up this way.

Micha's sort of right. There's no point here, and it's extremely illiterate! Grr.

So...edit this until you've given us a reason, a very good one, to read this poem at all.

--Seree.

Um... see, I didn't really like it because it didn't make me feel what you're feeling.
You also didn't put capital "I's" anywhere in you poem. You must remember that, o.k?
I find that lately, that's all that you write about, you and how nobody likes you and how they don't give a damn about if you died in the next few minutes or not.
I'm sorry but it's really not a good topic and I think that maybe it's time that you start writing actual stories... not to be mean, I'm really sorry!
I like the fact that your interested in poems but it's also good to try something new sometimes, you know?
Good work though, shanan-cat!

Empty trash.

I wouldn't even have to critique this. Everyone has already pointed everything.

Next time you post a poem onto here, make sure you include all of the below things for people to like it:

IMAGERY

METAPHORE

SUBSTANCE

SIMILIE

RHYTHM

This is a just a start to get you thinking, because there are so many ways to make a poem good but you just missed the entire point of making a poem. Sorry.

I'll be your friend!!!!!!!!

I have a home but it is in a rural area.
Where no one can bother me.
Now i am happy.
But now you are sad that i left.

This is the only awkward part. It doesn't flow well with the other verses.

Hiya! I like the message that you wanted to get across, but to be honest, this doesn't feel like a poem. I can see more of dramatic writing than a poem. I felt it was a bit laxed on the imagery. Where are the smilies, metaphors? The point was good, but disliked the way you said it.

It was a good go though.

Keep Writing!

~D'Aedomir~