A Love Unreturned

Loving you dear Sir, is to see you in everyone around me.
To wish for nothing more than to be with you night and day.
To lie awake until the deep hours of the night,
thinking of you and wondering what you are doing.
To love you is to watch you love another,
dismissing the words of love I’ve uttered.
Even though my heart breaks and dies inch by inch,
I’ll continue to love you even though you’ve spurned me.
No one else will ever replace you in my heart and in my life,
for no other can be the sun and moon of my sky,
the stars that guide me through the bleakest and darkest moments of my life.
To have me stop loving you is to ask me to stop breathing.
Though my heart cries out every single day the love I have for you,
no matter how long it takes or how many times my heart breaks,
I’ll never stop loving you. For in my heart lies hope,
that someday you will love me, as I love you.
This is how much I love you so.





P.S. Please help me think of a title that will fit this poem. The title I've given it is just temporary. Thank you!

Not sure if this should have capitals at the beginning of new lines, so I won't say it should.

Your last line "This is how much I love you so" is one I felt didn't fit the rest of the poem as well as it could. The first reason is it sounds awkward in my mind to end with 'so'. It feels like you're taken a breath, and forgotten to let go, like there should be something more. Maybe that's because of the way I timed it in my head. =P Still, remove the 'so' or try: "This, dear Sir, is how much I love you." <That sounds better to me. Oh! Or end with 'love you, Sir' instead of 'so'. =P

^_^ I liked this poem. Reminds me of some of my own thoughts and experiences. Despite the fact I am addicted to rhyme, I did like the way you broke up the verses.

No one else will ever replace you in my heart and in my life,
for no other can be the sun and moon of my sky,
the stars that guide me through the bleakest and darkest moments of my life.

But maybe not repeat life? You don't have any other repetition, so this one stands out to me.

Sorry I'm not more helpful.

^_^ Keek!

This is a very personal topic, so please forgive me if I am a little critical. I like this, I just think it needs a makeover.

First of all, love unreturned is a great theme. It's such a great theme that it's been used a lot. A lot. I mean, a lot. Shakespeare used it a lot. So did other playwrights, poets, novelists . . . Heck, even I have. So if you're going to use the theme, you have to use it wisely and use it differently. I think there's something good here, but making it so emphatic sort of gives away the game. Nothing new is expected, nothing new, really, is found.

Also, your use of imagery falls a little weak. Sun, moon, sky . . . they're a little better than dead metaphors. A little. There really aren't any working metaphors, any conceits, any captivating literary devices. Plain diction is good for poetry, oftentimes, but other devices have to be brought in for the language. People often say "Show, don't tell." I hate that stupid phrase. It doesn't mean anything to writers. All writers tell. We use words. We tell. Period. But tell in a showy way. Let your words exhibit themselves. Tell, but tell with a purpose, and tell so that it means something to the reader. Right now this is a journal entry. And journal entries are awesome places to start for poems. But that's about all they are, unless you're a very poetic journal keeper. I think if you tried to work some literary devices into here a little more strongly, and tried to show why your use of cliche is justified a little better, you could pull this off. Keep it up.

I really liked the use of the term "dear Sir." It just felt so quaint and sweet, like this person is really playful and totally infatuated with this person. Loved it.

Overall however, this poem didn't really do much for me. It begins with a lot of potential, but it doesn't really live up to its great beginning. I have to echo the Scribe above me. Maybe tell us what the man did to scorn the woman. Did she tell him how much she loved him and he didn't care? Were they together and he abandoned her? Hint at it.

Anyway, this has potential. Don't let it die. Just edit!

*cheers*

~GryphonFledgling