Reborn

Reborn
Prologue

The sun dropped down, and the world was plunged in darkness. The New World was a world divided in two. For the first twelve hours of day it was peaceful and happiness lingered in the air, but the remaining hours of the night- they come out. Rouge bandits, ruled by the government. They walk alone and spread themselves out across the land. They rid the world of happiness, bleeding it dry sucking up every last bit of hope for a better world. Paid good money none refuse and none care about the peace they were destroying. They act as modern gangsters, with them there is no peace or coming to an agreement, it is just all guns blazing. Ruled by a corrupt government the New World is no place for the weak, if you show any sign of weakness, they will tear you apart from limb to limb. Sucking the energy out of you, bleeding you dry, taking away your family, your home, your security. But you can never win, if you show signs of strength and pose a threat they will cut the thread and that will be the end.

The wolf howled up at the ghostly moon, its dagger filled mouth glistening in the moons ray. But something else was on its teeth, blood, bone, and bits of flesh. Its eyes were a crimson red, and its ears pointy and upright. It stared down toward the body, only a boy of nine years. His body sprawled out over the mud. He hadn't stood the slightest chance, once the wolf had its teeth around your neck, there was no letting go. The wolf’s ears pricked a little, as low rustle could be heard in the near by bushes. Something glinted in the bushes, sparkling in the moons gaze. The wolf sensed danger but remained frozen to the spot, staring at the swaying bushes. It should have gone at the first chance it had but when a bullet traveling at incredible speed it was far too late. The bullet plunged into its flesh, ripping all the air out of it. It yelped in pain, as it tried a desperate attempt and limping to safety. Bang. The second bullet put it out of its misery and the wolf landed with a loud thud. Its eyes open but still. A large shadow appeared out of the bushes and strolled casually towards the corpses.

*
A big man towered over the wolf examining his handy work. He smiled as rotated his gun with his index finger, blowing the barrel as if he was some cheesy western star. His eyes were shielded by dark shades, but his mouth revealed gold and silver teeth that sparkled in the moons light gaze. He was in his late twenties, and wore messy black hair with a small goat beard. Cockiness covered his face, as he laughed to himself. He wore leather boots and a light brown suit. At each side a revolver was pocketed, the gold trimmed handles poking out of the holsters. He grinned as he unsheathed a hidden blade in his shoe. He stared admiringly at it, as it glinted in darkness, before sinking it into the wolf. He dug it deeper and deeper in the flesh, before finally he found and flicked out the last bullet that was lodged deep inside her. He lent his head back and tried a poor attempt and howling at the moon. He pulled a bottle of whiskey out. And moments later when the bottle was half full he dozed off.

*
Something suddenly spooked the man and his eyes shot open. He sat up and stared puzzled at the wolf. He didn't remember much in the last few hours, but he seemed pretty sure that the wolf was cut up and drenched in blood. But now the wolf’s fur was tidy and clean almost brand new. The man shrugged it off as he picked up the whiskey and started downing it again, getting himself wasted silly.

*
The wolf’s eyes flickered to life. The man’s night wasn't over yet. He had just made a new enemy. One that wasn't as forgiving as the previous and one that was as reckless as him.


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Nephthys
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Age: 17
Joined: 19 Feb 2008
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Posted: Wed Feb 20, 2008 10:34 pm Post subject: Re: The Outsiders

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The first thing you might want to do is go back a and fix your grammar. Spell check doesn't doesn't fix everything! (Learn the meanings of a comma and semi colon!)
Extraterrestial wrote:
The Outsiders
Prologue

The New World was a world divided in two; for the first twelve hours of day it was peaceful, and happiness blossomed in the air, but for the remaining hours of the night-that’s when they come out.



The phrase "happiness blossomed on the air" really doesn't sound right ot me. No offense, but that description makes me want to stop reading the story right away.

Overall, I think one of the main flaws in this story is the descriptive words you choose. Ex:
Quote:

bits of flesh hanging on hinges

This is confusing. I get the general idea of what you're trying to say, but the particular phrase seems awkward.

Quote:
sparkling in the moons gaze

Maybe "sparkling in the moon's soft light" etc, would be a better way of putting it.

Quote:
secretive shades

Again, I don't think that phrase works here.
Maybe try "dark shades" etc

Quote:
The man was sick, and completely off the plot.

?????????

Overall, I think you'll find you get a lot more reviews if you actually proof-read your story and don't just depend on spell check[b]

The first thing you might want to do is go back a and fix your grammar. Spell check doesn't doesn't fix everything! (Learn the meanings of a comma and semi colon!)

Extraterrestial wrote:The Outsiders
Prologue

The New World was a world divided in two; for the first twelve hours of day it was peaceful, and happiness blossomed in the air, but for the remaining hours of the night-that’s when they come out.

The phrase "happiness blossomed on the air" really doesn't sound right ot me. No offense, but that description makes me want to stop reading the story right away.

Overall, I think one of the main flaws in this story is the descriptive words you choose. Ex:

bits of flesh hanging on hinges

This is confusing. I get the general idea of what you're trying to say, but the particular phrase seems awkward.

sparkling in the moons gaze

Maybe "sparkling in the moon's soft light" etc, would be a better way of putting it.

secretive shades

Again, I don't think that phrase works here.
Maybe try "dark shades" etc

The man was sick, and completely off the plot.

?????????

Overall, I think you'll find you get a lot more reviews if you actually proof-read your story and don't just depend on spell check[b]

this was OK, but there was alot of grammar mistakes, and in words like wasn't why do you keep putting two t's?
the idea is good, i like the whole half of the day being nice and the other ruled by gangsters. and i know Nephthys already pointed it out but flesh hanging from hinges? strings of flesh maybe.

just as Nephthys suggested, check the story yourself, but anyway i like the whole idea and im waitng to find out how this wolf was resurrected.

Hiya! Like others have said, go back and fix that grammar!

'but for the remaining hours of the night, that’s when they come out'

^ that doesn't make sense, replace 'but' with 'except' or take off 'that's' which is what I would do.

I won't do grammar I'm not your man. This wasn't the best piece of ever read, felt a bit too 'amateur fantasy'ish. It was alirght, I am just left wondering where this plot is going.

Keep Writing!

~D'Aedomir~

Hey thanks alot for reviewing, and i can actually see now that some off the stuff dosn't make sense. Oh and ill remmebr not just to do spell check. So THANKS!

Hey!
I did promise to review this, so I will. I'll do it paragraph-by-paragraph.

PARAGRAPH #1:

The sun dropped down, and the world was plunged in darkness. The New World was a world divided in two. For the first twelve hours of day it was peaceful and happiness lingered in the air, but the remaining hours of the night- they come out. Rouge bandits, ruled by the government. They walk alone and spread themselves out across the land. They rid the world of happiness, bleeding it dry sucking up every last bit of hope for a better world. Paid good money none refuse and none care about the peace they were destroying. They act as modern gangsters, with them there is no peace or coming to an agreement, it is just all guns blazing. Ruled by a corrupt government the New World is no place for the weak, if you show any sign of weakness, they will tear you apart from limb to limb. Sucking the energy out of you, bleeding you dry, taking away your family, your home, your security. But you can never win, if you show signs of strength and pose a threat they will cut the thread and that will be the end.

This could be very interesting, but it's kind of an info-dump. I can see this being thought of by a citizen of the town -- yes, I can see it all now. You could be writing in third person, still, but it could be from the POV of a farmer or someone. He could be watching the sun sink and thinking about the light/darkness thing...

Anyways. THis is kind of cliche, as I told you in my PM. Light is always associated with the holy and the pure of heart; darkness is always associated with teh demonic and the bloodthirsty.

Now, I'll go through this whole thing and nit-pick every sentence!

The New World was a world divided in two.

I don't like the repetition of 'world'. Maybe you should get rid of the second one?

For the first twelve hours of day it was peaceful and happiness lingered in the air, but the remaining hours of the night- they come out.

Comma after 'day'. And to disagree with Nephthys, I think that 'happiness blossomed in the air' was actually a good description. It reminds me of the title of my blog.

Also, maybe 'they' should be in italics?

Rouge bandits, ruled by the government.

'Rouge' should be 'Rogue'.
But usually, they're rogue only if they are opposing the government. How are they rogues if they are ruled by the authority?!

They walk alone and spread themselves out across the land.

Why did you switch tenses? You were writing in past tense, but you switched to present. It should be 'walked'.

They rid the world of happiness, bleeding it dry sucking up every last bit of hope for a better world.

Comma after 'dry' and I don't like the repetition of 'world'.

Paid good money none refuse and none care about the peace they were destroying.

Comma after 'money' and 'care' should be 'cared'.

They act as modern gangsters, with them there is no peace or coming to an agreement, it is just all guns blazing.

'act' should be 'acted' and replace teh comma after 'gangsters' with a semicolon. Also, the second half of the sentence sounds awkward. Maybe you should try 'it is all just guns blazing'?

Ruled by a corrupt government the New World is no place for the weak, if you show any sign of weakness, they will tear you apart from limb to limb.

This sentence doesn't really make sense, I'm afraid. Maybe you should try this instead: Ruled by a corrupt government, the New World was no place for the weak. If you show any sign of weakness, they will tear you limb from limb.

Sucking the energy out of you, bleeding you dry, taking away your family, your home, your security.

You've already said 'bleeding you dry' -- it isn't good to repeat descriptions.
Also, why would they even have security in the first place? If this New World is as horrible as it sounds, it seems like no one would be safe.

But you can never win, if you show signs of strength and pose a threat they will cut the thread and that will be the end.

Replace the comma after 'win' with a semicolon, and replace the 'and' after 'strength' with 'or'.

----------------------------------------------------------

As I'm doing this paragraph-by-paragraph, I'll give you overall impressions for each paragraph after I'm done the nit-picks.

The wolf howled up at the ghostly moon, its dagger filled mouth glistening in the moons ray. But something else was on its teeth, blood, bone, and bits of flesh. Its eyes were a crimson red, and its ears pointy and upright. It stared down toward the body, only a boy of nine years. His body sprawled out over the mud. He hadn't stood the slightest chance, once the wolf had its teeth around your neck, there was no letting go. The wolf’s ears pricked a little, as low rustle could be heard in the near by bushes. Something glinted in the bushes, sparkling in the moons gaze. The wolf sensed danger but remained frozen to the spot, staring at the swaying bushes. It should have gone at the first chance it had but when a bullet traveling at incredible speed it was far too late. The bullet plunged into its flesh, ripping all the air out of it. It yelped in pain, as it tried a desperate attempt and limping to safety. Bang. The second bullet put it out of its misery and the wolf landed with a loud thud. Its eyes open but still. A large shadow appeared out of the bushes and strolled casually towards the corpses.

*
A big man towered over the wolf examining his handy work. He smiled as rotated his gun with his index finger, blowing the barrel as if he was some cheesy western star. His eyes were shielded by dark shades, but his mouth revealed gold and silver teeth that sparkled in the moons light gaze. He was in his late twenties, and wore messy black hair with a small goat beard. Cockiness covered his face, as he laughed to himself. He wore leather boots and a light brown suit. At each side a revolver was pocketed, the gold trimmed handles poking out of the holsters. He grinned as he unsheathed a hidden blade in his shoe. He stared admiringly at it, as it glinted in darkness, before sinking it into the wolf. He dug it deeper and deeper in the flesh, before finally he found and flicked out the last bullet that was lodged deep inside her. He lent his head back and tried a poor attempt and howling at the moon. He pulled a bottle of whiskey out. And moments later when the bottle was half full he dozed off.

*
Something suddenly spooked the man and his eyes shot open. He sat up and stared puzzled at the wolf. He didn't remember much in the last few hours, but he seemed pretty sure that the wolf was cut up and drenched in blood. But now the wolf’s fur was tidy and clean almost brand new. The man shrugged it off as he picked up the whiskey and started downing it again, getting himself wasted silly.

*
The wolf’s eyes flickered to life. The man’s night wasn't over yet. He had just made a new enemy. One that wasn't as forgiving as the previous and one that was as reckless as him.

Hey!
I did promise to review this, so I will. I'll do it paragraph-by-paragraph.

PARAGRAPH #1:

The sun dropped down, and the world was plunged in darkness. The New World was a world divided in two. For the first twelve hours of day it was peaceful and happiness lingered in the air, but the remaining hours of the night- they come out. Rouge bandits, ruled by the government. They walk alone and spread themselves out across the land. They rid the world of happiness, bleeding it dry sucking up every last bit of hope for a better world. Paid good money none refuse and none care about the peace they were destroying. They act as modern gangsters, with them there is no peace or coming to an agreement, it is just all guns blazing. Ruled by a corrupt government the New World is no place for the weak, if you show any sign of weakness, they will tear you apart from limb to limb. Sucking the energy out of you, bleeding you dry, taking away your family, your home, your security. But you can never win, if you show signs of strength and pose a threat they will cut the thread and that will be the end.

This could be very interesting, but it's kind of an info-dump. I can see this being thought of by a citizen of the town -- yes, I can see it all now. You could be writing in third person, still, but it could be from the POV of a farmer or someone. He could be watching the sun sink and thinking about the light/darkness thing...

Anyways. THis is kind of cliche, as I told you in my PM. Light is always associated with the holy and the pure of heart; darkness is always associated with teh demonic and the bloodthirsty.

Now, I'll go through this whole thing and nit-pick every sentence!

The New World was a world divided in two.

I don't like the repetition of 'world'. Maybe you should get rid of the second one?

For the first twelve hours of day it was peaceful and happiness lingered in the air, but the remaining hours of the night- they come out.

Comma after 'day'. And to disagree with Nephthys, I think that 'happiness blossomed in the air' was actually a good description. It reminds me of the title of my blog.

Also, maybe 'they' should be in italics?

Rouge bandits, ruled by the government.

'Rouge' should be 'Rogue'.
But usually, they're rogue only if they are opposing the government. How are they rogues if they are ruled by the authority?!

They walk alone and spread themselves out across the land.

Why did you switch tenses? You were writing in past tense, but you switched to present. It should be 'walked'.

They rid the world of happiness, bleeding it dry sucking up every last bit of hope for a better world.

Comma after 'dry' and I don't like the repetition of 'world'.

Paid good money none refuse and none care about the peace they were destroying.

Comma after 'money' and 'care' should be 'cared'.

They act as modern gangsters, with them there is no peace or coming to an agreement, it is just all guns blazing.

'act' should be 'acted' and replace teh comma after 'gangsters' with a semicolon. Also, the second half of the sentence sounds awkward. Maybe you should try 'it is all just guns blazing'?

Ruled by a corrupt government the New World is no place for the weak, if you show any sign of weakness, they will tear you apart from limb to limb.

This sentence doesn't really make sense, I'm afraid. Maybe you should try this instead: Ruled by a corrupt government, the New World was no place for the weak. If you show any sign of weakness, they will tear you limb from limb.

Sucking the energy out of you, bleeding you dry, taking away your family, your home, your security.

You've already said 'bleeding you dry' -- it isn't good to repeat descriptions.
Also, why would they even have security in the first place? If this New World is as horrible as it sounds, it seems like no one would be safe.

But you can never win, if you show signs of strength and pose a threat they will cut the thread and that will be the end.

Replace the comma after 'win' with a semicolon, and replace the 'and' after 'strength' with 'or'.

----------------------------------------------------------

As I'm doing this paragraph-by-paragraph, I'll give you overall impressions for each paragraph after I'm done the nit-picks. Here are my general comments for p.#1:

This is an interesting idea, in my opinion -- but to be frank, you presented it in a bland and info-dumpish way. This can be remedied by cutting down on the information that we don't yet need to know. For example: you said that they acted as modern gangsters, right? Do we really need to know that? It's telling, not showing; maybe you could describe their actions later on to give us the impression that they're modern gangsters, instead of just saying it straight-up.

Also, running it through on Microsoft word or another spell-checking word processor would be a good idea. Most people won't take the time to correct every mistake -- I'm doing it this once; when you post the next chapter (if you do), I'll just tell you how to correct your errors and leave you to comb through and find them yourself.

I like the idea of a New World split it two, though. It seems original enough and I'm curious as to where it will lead.

On this paragraph overall:
It's okay. All the grammar mistakes take a lot away from the actual writing, and the info-dump doesn't do anything for the actual piece. I'm going to rewrite this for you (see the text below) in an attempt to fix it up a bit:

My Version of paragraph #1:
The sun dropped down, and the land was plunged into darkness. [insert name here] puffed on his pipe and leaned back in his old rocking chair, oblivious to the shadows stretching greedily over his lawn. Actually, it wasn't much of a lawn -- just a stretch of uneven, sandy earth with a plot of dirty flagstones strewn across it.

The Watcher shuffled farther out along the branch, talons tightening to leave deep gouges in the bark. Berry-bright eyes peered through a wilting curtain of leaves, following the man's every move. He knew that [insert name here] wouldn't stand a chance once the creatures of darkness came. No one ever did.

Time stretched. The Watcher grew restless, chattering softly to itself. Where were they? They had promised him the remains of their feast -- and what better place to wait one than in a tree by the house of an elder? He knew that [insert name here] was blind. He wouldn't know until the vicious jaws clamped down on his legs, until the reek of his own blood filled the air.

Finally, a rustle from the forest behind the log cabin. The glint of yellow eyes, and a shadow slid across the lawn with slinking grace. It had a vaguely feline cast to its body, but the Watcher didn't bother to take a closer look. Blood lust spiked through his veins; his eyes were fixed on [insert name here's] lazy figure, slumped in the rocking chair on the deck.

Fangs glinted. A shriek sliced the night like a knife through butter. But there was no one to hear it, no one to come to the man's aid -- no one but the Watcher. And he was content to watch as the beast dragged [insert name here] off through the trees, leaving nothing but a dark stain on the sand.

The New World was a world divided in two. Peaceful by day, demonic by night. In the hours where shadows cloaked the world -- they came. Rogue bandits, ruled by a corrupt government. They bleed you dry, suck your life away. They take everything that you have, everything that you are.

Notice how I said [insert name here]? That's because I couldn't think of a name for the old man on the porch.

I think my version is slightly less info-dumpish (not to be vain or anything) and definitely more grammatically sound. Study it, and hopefully you can fix up your version.


PARAGRAPH #2:

The wolf howled up at the ghostly moon, its dagger filled mouth glistening in the moons ray.

Firstly: I don't like the way you repeated the word 'moon'.
Secondly: the description 'dagger filled' is awkward and doesn't really work.

If I were you, I'd try this sentence instead: The wolf howled up at the ghostly moon, its dagger-sharp teeth glistening eerily.

But something else was on its teeth, blood, bone, and bits of flesh.

The comma after 'teeth' should be a colon, but I don't like the way you are saying 'teeth' again -- you used that word in teh previous sentence, too. Maybe you should try this: But something else was on its fangs: blood, bone and bits of flesh.

However, that sentence doesn't really make any sense, I'm afraid. Bone and flesh don't really cling to wolves' teeth -- maybe tiny bits of flesh, but nothing noticeably. Blood does stain wolf teeth but not definitely not bone. And so, I think you should meld the first two sentences together so that they make this phrase: he wolf howled up at the ghostly moon, its dagger-sharp teeth glistening with freshly spilt blood.

Its eyes were a crimson red, and its ears pointy and upright.

'Crimson' and 'red' are synonyms. Also, 'pointy' might sound less childish as 'pointed'.

It stared down toward the body, only a boy of nine years. His body sprawled out over the mud.

The repetition of 'body' kind of bother me. I think this sentence should be: It stared down towards the body, a boy of only nine years that lay sprawled in the mud.

He hadn't stood the slightest chance, once the wolf had its teeth around your neck, there was no letting go.

Replace the comma after 'chance' with a semicolon.

The wolf’s ears pricked a little, as low rustle could be heard in the near by bushes.

This doesn't quite make sense... maybe you should try: The wolf's ears pricked slightly as a low rustle could be heard in the nearby bushes.

Something glinted in the bushes, sparkling in the moons gaze.

You've mentioned the moon quite a lot. In any case, the word 'moons' should be possessive -- therefore: moon's. I think you should try for a re-word: Something glinted from the shade of the trees.

The wolf sensed danger but remained frozen to the spot, staring at the swaying bushes.

Comma after 'danger'.

It should have gone at the first chance it had but when a bullet traveling at incredible speed it was far too late.

Reword: It should have fled long ago; but when a bullet flew through the air towards it, it was far too late.

The bullet plunged into its flesh, ripping all the air out of it. It yelped in pain, as it tried a desperate attempt and limping to safety. Bang.

Reword: The metal thudded into its flank, knocking the air from its lungs. The wolf yelped in pain and made a desperate attempt, limping to safety, but -- bang.

Its eyes open but still.

'Its eyes open but still' is grammatically incorrect. You should say: Its eyes were open but still.

--------------------------------

This paragraph is okay, like the first one. But better. This is less info-dumpish, which means you're getting somewhere.

I don't like the way you portrayed the wolf in the beginning -- it seemed vicious and bloodthirsty, and as a wolf-lover, I beg to differ. Wolves are not like that. So unless this wolf is some demon, that needs to change.

You also didn't make it seem very wolf-like. You stuck to the "show don't tell" rule so much that we knew nothing of it's motives, thoughts and/or emotions. A real wolf would smell the man before he came; a real wolf would feel the slight vibrations of his footsteps through the earth. A real wolf would be constantly alert, feeling the wind in its fur, the grass brushing its legs. Work on this aspect of the story, okay?

I'm sad that the wolf died. *sniff*

PARAGRAPH #3:

A big man towered over the wolf examining his handy work.

Comma after 'wolf' and 'handy work' is just one word: handiwork.

He smiled as rotated his gun with his index finger, blowing the barrel as if he was some cheesy western star.

As if he were some cheesy western star?! No. Delete that part -- it gives me the impression that the man is some cheesy western star. XD

His eyes were shielded by dark shades, but his mouth revealed gold and silver teeth that sparkled in the moons light gaze.

The classic 'gangster' image. I think you can be more creative... also, how many times have you mentioned something sparkling or glistening in the moon's light?

He was in his late twenties, and wore messy black hair with a small goat beard.

He's wearing his hair and beard?! Um...
I think it should be: He was in his late twenties, with messy black hair and a small goatee.

Cockiness covered his face, as he laughed to himself.

Reword: He had a cocky air about him; he laughed quietly to himself as he stared at the wolf's limp, blood-soaked corpse.

And moments later when the bottle was half full he dozed off.

Comma after 'later' and after 'full'. Also, maybe you should say 'half empty' as he's already drank half of it?

But now the wolf’s fur was tidy and clean almost brand new.

'brand new' doesn't make sense. Technically, a brand-new wolf's fur is covered in gross birth jelly and stuff. Not very clean.

------------------------------------------------

Overall, this paragraph is okay... like the other two, lol.


I have to go now, but I'll post my general comments and advice tomorrow!