Alphess: part one [revised as of 2008/03/11]

Anyways. Do you think I should continue this? It is Part One, after all. (Blizzard is a character in my larger novel - this is just a novella that I've decided to write about her.)

YES! Of course! Just make sure of one thing...

PM me first

ello Camille

I watch the crimson luminescence filter through the trees in a state of calm rapture;

Mentioning this once,

Motes of dust dance in the shafts of light that slant in through the branches above me.

Again! Don't repeat yourself.

my limbs are heavy with warmth

That don't make much sense... I don't have any suggestions. But warmth doesn't make you heavy it makes you sleepy.
You don't have to change it, thats just my opinion.

My jaws part in a smile

Since when do wolves smile?
May I suggest a warm yip parted my lips, or something.

I also notices that you say I, I, I. It gets annoying, try making less sentences that start with 'I'. It just makes it all sound odd.

I shake leaves from my thick white pelt and step forwards towards the she-wolf.

I don't think someone would say that there hair was blond. Let alone a wolf saying there pelt was white, to themselves. Besides you have already told us about her pelt.

You can get rid of towards or forwards, you don't need both of 'em.

A snarl tears from between my teeth.

snarls don't come from teeth... Maybe you could say lips, or throat, or maw... something.


I don't see you describing the other wolves as much as Blizzard, maybe since you are writing from her point of view, describe less of what she looks likes and more of what the other wolves look like.

She gives me the slightest of nods and we run off into the sunset.

Nods? Is she bouncing her head up and down a lot? Or is she on some drug :p It sounds that way... Maybe you could get rid of the 's' and clear that up a bit. It just sounds odd, to me.


I am sorry, I have to go... I will continue my crit tomorrow

Only thing though, The part about Bane eating a human heart and knowing the ways of man sound like Sgorr from the book Fire Bringer by David Clement-Davies....

But Otherwise It was really good and i enjoyed reading it

Many thanks to you both!

Ning >> thanks! I'll change those things in my rewrite. =)
RedWing >> you're right, I should change that. Thanks for your comments!

Cheers,
Camille

Hmmph.... I don't have time to do a proper critique at the moment, but I'll work on it and get back to you.... I promise!

<3s,

~lupis

Ok... Here is your belated review. Congratz on getting honorable mention in Azila's contest!

First, the typos and corrections.

mould...

nitpicky, but I'm pretty sure this is spelled 'mold'..

I had smelt her just as she appeared.

This sentence is kinda awkward.... Maybe consider revising it or encorporating that detail in the previous sentence?

This is the lake where I met Bane as a pup of nine moons. This is the lake where my son was killed by Heather wolves.
This is the lake where I will have my revenge.

Not to sure about these sentences either. It's a bit melodramatic and cliche, as well as being a bit repetative. Entirely my opinion though....

Some say that Bane ate a human heart so that he might know the thoughts of man.

Again, this is cliche, and frankly, not very beleivable. I was interested in where you are going with it though....

His voice is cold an flat, like ice.

And?

When he speaks, that flower withers and dies. "I see the blood on your face, Blizzard," - then, in a whisper of mock despair, "You killed your mother!"

Wait..... What? Mother killing is also a cliche, but this whole passage was confusing. I'm hoping you will elaborate on this later.

know that he does not mean the kind of hide-and-seek that pups play. He means something more dangerous - we will enter the spirit world, the world used for mage-work, and search for souls. Our own souls.

Hmm... I think you should have elaborated on this a bit.... Also.. If it is so dangerous, why the heck would she consent to DO it in the first place? If she doesn't want to, couldn't she just kick Bane out of her territory and leave? Even if there is some part of information i'm not getting, it just doesn't seem realistic.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Overall: Very nice description! It flowed very nicely and felt light. I also found the first person interesting, but I kind of liked it.

This reminds me a whole heck of a lot of the Warriors series..... Have you read it?

Oh, and one more point:

The main charry seems a bit............. I dunno how to describe it, but this was one of the things that came up with the judging of the contest. She seems to lack depth, other than that scene you showed us from her past.

This is all I have to commetn on for now, but if you decided to edit this or post more of it, PM me, and I'll give you a review.


Good Job!


~Lupis

Hello, Camille!

My pelt begins to prickle, but I do not move. My limbs are heavy with warmth, and I want to enjoy the sunset for a while longer.

A little voice inside me is saying that that period should be a semi-colon... of course, little voices aren't known for being trustworthy. >.>

I feel the dusty earth beneath me and the sleepy summer heat that seeps in through the pads of my paws.

This is a little strange--maybe try something like this: "The dusty earth beneath me is dry and powdery and the sleepy summer heat of it seeps in through the pads of my paws." I just don't like beginning with "I feel..." it's like saying "I want to incorporate the sense of feel, but how should I do it?" ^_~

A snarl tears from between my teeth. I feel aggression knotting my muscles; Bane - the Heather Pack Alpha - and I go way back.

I think this mood change was a bit sudden. She was basking in the sun, then all of a sudden she's aggressive and angry?

Suddenly, the lake looms in front of us, a glass-like black surface undisturbed by even the smallest ripple.

Firstly, you should try not to start sentences with "suddenly"... just as a general rule. Secondly, this format feels a little repetitive: she was running through the hills with Aurora when she suddenly came upon the glistening pack... now she was running through the hills with her pack when she suddenly sees the glistening lake. Get my meaning?

This is the lake where I met Bane as a pup of nine moons. This is the lake where my son was killed by Heather wolves.
This is the lake where I will have my revenge.

Like others have said, this is a little cliché... but I guess it's part of the plot, so there really isn't much I can do about it.

Some say that Bane ate a human heart so that he might know the thoughts of man. A growl rumbles in my throat.

This is a little cliché as well, but it doesn't bother me because it's just what some people think, which can be as cliché as they want. But that's not what I was going to say. I was going to say that this would be a good place to develop her character a little more--what does Blizzard think of the rumor? You say that she is growling, but it a growl of fear? Hatred? Anger? Humiliation? Arrogance?

We give him our thanks and set off towards the water. But we are interrupted as three whirlwinds of fur crash into us.

I suggest you make this one sentence by making the period a comma and delete the "we" in the second part.

Bane and his wolves are shifting silhouettes; the edges of their bodies seem to blur and tear with the wind.

This is a little awkward. I think it would be more powerful as: "Bane and his wolves are shifting silhouettes, the edges of their bodies blurring and tearing with the wind."

If I am to confront him, I will need all my strength. I shake my fur as if to dislodge water after a rain. But I am dislodging something else now; memories spin away like droplets of water, each one a crystal-clear snapshot of the past.

Ooh, I love this bit here! ^_^
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1: Does the second person work for Blizzard's flashback?Yes, it works. It's a little strange, but I think that's just because I'm not used to it. I like it, though, it's original, well-done and effective.
2: Do you find that the first tense is distracting?First tense? Do you mean first person or present tense? I guess I'll just answer both: I did find the first person distracting. I felt like you were writing something that should be in third, but at the last minute you changed it to first--by that I mean that the narrative doesn't sound like it's coming from a wolf, it sounds like it's coming from a human who knows a lot about wolves. It's quite difficult to write from the POV of something you're not and make it seem realistic, and i really don't know what makes it happen... sorry if that wasn't much help. I do not find the present tense distracting; I think it works very well. However, if you are planning on making this a full-length novel(la) I would recommend you change to past because a novel in present is both tedious to read and to write.
3: Could you picture the events clearly in your mind's eye? Oh yes!--Enough said.

Some other things to work on:

Avoiding Cliché-ness.
You're probably thinking, "no duh!" but I thought I'd give a little lecture anyway. Firstly, your characters: Bane especially seems cliché... he's a smooth-talking, powerful villain who is always composed and in control of the situation. Of course, we don't know very much about him yet, so this is just my impression at the moment, but so far we really don't have anything to tell us that he's NOT like that. Secondly, the plot: Several elements of the plot seem cliché so far, for example there's the whole hullabaloo about revenge... also, so far it seems like you've got this pretty much good heroine with a dark secret that haunts her... doesn't that sound like it's already been done?

Being Realistic.
This is one of the issues that entered into judging and kept me from giving you the first place that was so tempting. I know this is fantasy, and your wolves might not be how real wolves are in matters of magic and whatnot, but there are certain things that I feel should be taken into account when writing from the POV of an animal. One thing is that you've got talking wolves here. I guess that's alright because it wouldn't be a very interesting story otherwise, but it's something to think about. Another thing is body language. Mostly, you use it well (like when the wolves are sticking their tails to their bellies and stuff) but sometimes you don't. Here's an example:

My jaws part in a smile as I see the pack mage, Aurora, trotting towards me, her agile form reduced to a shadow from the glare.

Do wolves smile? ^_~

Overall, I really loved this! Your descriptions are beautiful and paint the scenes perfectly without telling, and your characters (even if they are a little cliché) are exhilarating to read about. (sorry this section isn't that long--I'm better at pointing out the negatives than the positives... it doesn't mean that I don't like it by ANY means!)

Please PM me when you post more of this, I wanna read it!!

Hope this helps.
~Azila~

Thanks so much, you guys! I don't know what I would do without you.

I was actually feeling discouraged about this, because I'd hit a wall in my rewrite: characterization. But now that I've read your reviews, I feel encouraged again! So I'm going to finish my edited version, and hopefully type it up at school. I can't at home because I'm grounded, AGAIN. >.<

Thanks again! Your critiques made my way.

- Camille xx

Okay, so I've done a slight edit. It's not much -- I'm going to be revising it more, making it more obvious as to why Blizzard and Bane hate each other, and incorporating the rest of the pack into the main conflict so they don't just seem like throwaways.

Any reviews are [s]needed, craved, demanded[/s] appreciated!

Cheers,
Camille xx

Hi there, Wolf! Sorry I didn't get this to you sooner, I saved it as a draft then my computer wouldn't let me on... Anyway:

You haven't edited TOO too much, and my general views are pretty much the same. Just a warning: my crit probably won't be very long. ^_^

It seems strange that I would enjoy the sunset -- moonrise is a time much more to my liking -- but today, I take the time to relax away from the pack.

Isn't moonrise and sunset pretty much the same thing, just depending on if you're facing East or West? *confused*

I breathe in deeply and take in a heady combination of woodland smells: white-tailed deer, dry bracken, maple sugar, leaf mould...

This feels a little "telly." Try, "I breathe in deeply and take in a heady combination of white-tailed deer, dry bracken, maple sugar, leaf mould..."

I had smelt her just as she appeared.

Delete the "had." It makes it in the past perfect (I think) and it should just be the past. On second thought, why don't you just delete this sentence all together? It strikes me as a little unnecessary.

I feel aggression knotting my muscles; Bane - the Heather Pack Alpha - and I go way back.

Get rid of the "I feel" and just make it, "Aggression knots my muscles; Bane - the Heather Pack Alpha - and I go way back."

Many of the wolves turn to acknowledge me respectfully, dipping their heads, bringing their tails close to their bellies.

This is a matter of opinion, really, but I think it would flow better if you replace the comma after "heads" with "and"

Pine trees encroach behind the group, forming a jagged black horizon.

The use of "encroach" seems a little awkward here... maybe "Behind the group, jagged, black pine trees encroach on the clearing." or something like that? It just strikes me as a little odd the way it is.

The sky above is eerily white, like a stretch of snow.

Especially because this is a reoccurring theme, I suggest that you pick something other than snow--something more eerie. Snow doesn't seem all that eerie to me...

Blackthorn, my mate. But I do not see him in the crowd. Perhaps he is hunting.

This seems a little strange to me... kind of abrupt, no?

My heart clenches for her; the pack is strong, but the heather wolves know thing that we do not.

This is pretty nitpicky, but sometimes you capitalize "heather" and sometimes you don't. make it more consistent. ^_~

My beta shifts postures quickly as he sees us.

You used the word "posture" before, to describe the beta's stance--maybe find a different one (like "stance")?

Our children are so innocent - how could they possibly understand the depth of the problem here? Their brother, Oak, from my first litter, was slaughtered here before they were born.

You can delete the first "here"

I know who it is before he appears, but when he does, terror hits me like a blow from a grizzlies paw.

Shouldn't that be "grizzly's paw"?

He lets out a harsh bark of laughter and steps forwards, menace etched in hard lines in the set of his jaw, the way his ears ram forwards.

This is a bit awkward, maybe try: "He lets out a harsh bark of laughter and steps forwards, menace etching hard lines in the set of his jaw, the way his ears ram forwards."

"Of course I am," the heather pack alpha replies coldly.

In the flashback, "heather pack alpha" is all capitalized, but here none of it is...
--------------

My overall views are pretty much the same as last time, but I'll try to give you some tips on characterization.

Firstly, one of the things that bothers me is that you have a lot of "I do this. I smell this. I feel this." type sentences going on. They make the first person lass powerful and don't allow the reader to connect with the character as well. Here's an example:

I am jolted from my calm observations as a familiar voice drifts through the trees. My jaws part as I see the pack mage, Aurora, trotting towards me, her agile form reduced to a shadow from the glare.

Try changing it to something like, "A familiar, drifting voice jolts me from my calm observations. My jaws part as the pack mage, Aurora, trots towards me, her agile form reduced to a shadow from the glare."There are scattered sentences like this throughout the piece, so if you have trouble finding them feel free to PM me and I'll help you out!

Another thing is that I've noticed that Blizzard seems very moody; one second she's basking in the sunset, next moment aggression is tearing at her insides. At first I thought this was a bad thing, but that can actually make her personality more defined--if you elaborate on it. ^_~

Another tip I have is try giving her some random little likes/dislikes/fears/cravings. Those (however subtle) can help develop a character, in my opinion.

Overall, I say you move on. Don't necessarily try to fit in all the character development into the first chapter... post more!!!

As always, PM me if I was unclear about anything.

Hope this helps!
~Azila~

I loved this updated version. I can't remeber what the old one was like but let me tell you how much I adore that first paragraph. Others may diagree but I see that imagery as a wonderful description and we can see just what is flowing through the wolf's mind.

I just genuinly loved this, and you are clearly a fantastic writer.

I don't do grammar, it has already been done as we have seen.

This is great and the plot is very appealing, if not a bit done. That isn't a bad thing though, because you have put your own voice on it.

Keep writing!

~D'Aedomir~

YES!

Zills: thanks so much! That actually was a long review, I think. And helpful. I see what you mean about characterization and I'll just do a little more work on that before I start writing part two. The nit-picks will be fixed right away.

Aedomir: thanks! Encouragement is very nice to hear.

Thanks for the reviews! *happiness*

- Camille xx

PS. Azila mentioned that Blizzard seems moody -- she is. I was hoping that someone would notice that. =)

Wolf wrote:PS. Azila mentioned that Blizzard seems moody -- she is. I was hoping that someone would notice that. =)

Good! Elaborate! Make it even MORE so, so that everyone reading notices and doesn't just think (as I did at first) that it was a mistake. You can even make others around her be afraid of her mood changes, considering she's an Alphess and has a lot of control over everyone in the pack.

Do you have a character outline of her? That could help you as you go along.

And please, try to make there be something that makes Bane less cliché. He kind of bothers me. XD

~Azila~

P.S. Oh yeah, that was a long crit, wasn't it? 0.o I hadn't planned on making it one, it just came out! Haha.

Hello Camille. I see that you summoned me to critique the revised version. Well here I am. Lets roll.

My pelt begins to prickle, but I do not move; my limbs are heavy with warmth, and I want to enjoy the sunset for a while longer. Here, there are no snapping teeth, no wild eyes glittering with malice. It seems strange that I would enjoy the sunset -- midnight is a time much more to my liking -- but today, I take the time to relax away from the pack.

The explaination as to why as she wanted to enjoy the sunset is too direct and linear. If you have read published diaries, you will find that the reasons for their actions

I think I will start by answering your questions...

1: Does the second person work for Blizzard's flashback? [At first it felt a little out of place but I think it was original and it helped the reader to feel more involved with the story. So yes, I think it does work but keep it fairly short.

2: Do you find that the first tense is distracting? No. I think it could be used more effectively to give a deeper insight into Blizzard's charachter but it didn't distract me.

3: Could you picture the events clearly in your mind's eye? Yes. You have some beautiful description and you set the scene well at the beginning. I would suggest maybe describing the land as you go along a little more though. the change in surroundings as they run and what they pass as they patrol the Eastern side. You lose the easy visualisation a little there. You mention poppys but not much else.

That leads me on to one of my main criticisms. There's little sense of time in this piece. At the beginning, you mention that the sun is sinking beneath the hills so how dark is it when they reach the lake? Should it not be night by then?

And the other is characterization. The piece is written in a gentle, very natural tone of voice but there's no real hatred shown. Blizzard seems mild. Maybe a touch solitary at points but she didn't feel moody to me. If you want to give that impression, you need to show it through her dialogue and thoughts. Have her snap at some of the wolves or at least glare or snarl. Have her seem off edge - that would show her fear better. Have her seem cautious, hesitant to go on patrol and only agree when she realises her mate would go alone.

And she needs a more protective streak I think. The whole revenge story hints that she cares about her cubs a lot and yet she sends Jade off to patrol and tells the others to go play? Even if they are young, she should give them some warning not to stray from the group and set one of the other wolves to guarding them.

Also, a few small, specific suggestions -

The sun -- which only a short while ago had felt warm and soothing between my shoulder blades -- now [s]seemed[/s] seems ominous as it [s]sank[/s] sinks beneath the hills. [You have to be careful when writing in present tense. If she's reflecting back, use past but when she changes to the present again, the tense must change too, even if it's mid sentence.]

"May I have a word, Blizzard?" I turn to see Laurel, a she-wolf [s]who's[/s] whose pups have just left the nursing den. [Characterization alert. Okay so her pups have just left the nursing den but what does that tell us about her? Is she particularly soft and gentle at the moment? Is she on high alert to defend her pups? Show how this carrys through into her character, how she is affected by it.]

I like it [s]the[/s] best when we run this way -- as one, each wolf perfectly synchronized with the rest. [This is contradicting your earlier characterization to some extent. First you portray her as solitary and then she likes to run with the whole pack all pressed close together. Wouldn't she prefer free style? When she can run out ahead and take her own path?]

My heart clenches for her; the pack is strong, but the Heather wolves know things that we do not.

"Blizzard," he intones calmly. His voice is cold and flat, like ice. "It has been too long."

________________________

In general, this is good. The description is beautiful and it's well written but you need to work on the characters. Does Blizzard's mate maybe dislike how soft she is with the children? You hinted at that but you need to do more than hint, you need to carry the characterization through and make it clear. I hope this helps a little,

Heather xx