Jealousy

With ripping, prying vises
Her hands tear open a crevice
Bottomless and sharp.
I am falling
Breaking my neck:
Paralyzed with rage.
Wildly I cry
Searching for my escape.
My fingers scramble for a hold
(I hope you two are very happy)
The walls of this abyss prove smooth:
Glass that will not shatter.
Leeches crawl from her eyes, her touch on your skin,
Her poisonous kiss on your lips.
They find my ripe, naive veins
Welding themselves to my skin.
I look to where the sky once was
(Say it isn't so)
My tears fall up to meet your face;
You quickly get out of the rain,
Sealing me in my glass tomb
Forever to fall


Very rough draft. Let me know what you think!

Hi,
I loved, loved, loved, loved, love, loved, your poem. Omg, it was so amazing. Have you ever thought about getting it published?

I didn't notice any mistakes (Though, I don't normally notice them because I make so many myself.)

With ripping, prying vises
Her hands bluntly tear open a brand new crevice
Bottomless and sharp.
I am falling bodily down
Breaking my neck:
Paralyzed with rage.
Wildly I flail and cry
Searching for my escape.
My fingers scramble for a hold
(I hope you two are very happy)
The walls of this abyss prove smooth:
Glass that will not shatter.
Leeches crawl from her eyes, her touch on your skin,
Her poisonous kiss on your lips.
They find my ripe, naive veins
Welding themselves to my skin.
I look to where the sky once was
(Say it isn't so)
My tears fall up to meet your face;
You quickly get out of the rain,
Sealing me in my glass tomb
Forever to fall
(You should be with me)

I am going to make this very long, because I need the points!

So, pm me, if you need anything

holly*

Generally good. You used an age-old idea in a pretty original idea with a nice extended metaphor. I wasnt too sure about the lines in brackets. Although the first one was fine, I think the last one:

(You should be with me)

overstepped the line of telling us what the poem was about. It was pretty obvious before the end, you didn't need that explanation.
I thought a lot of the descriptive words were unnecessary and weakened your good metaphor and emotion.

Her hands bluntly tear open a brand new crevice
Bottomless and sharp.
I am falling bodily down
Breaking my neck:
Paralyzed with rage.
Wildly I flail and cry

For example, that's pretty overwritten. You don't need "bluntly" or "brand" or "boldily" or "wildly." I'd argue you don't need most of the other adjectives in their either, but see how you feel.

Liz is correct the last line was not needed.

I'd like to point out that there is no meter, its just running freely with the metaphor and while that may be fine for some, it doesn't seem to show any actual depth to the poem itself. There is no appreciation to be found other then this over-extended metaphor which has over-extended itself throughout poetry already.

Thanks for the input everyone! I cleaned it up a little, hopefully that fixes a few things.