Gate od Secrets

Gate of Secrets

Prologue

“The world will end”. Said a large cloaked man, his voice quite but stern. He had the voice of a leader; this man was obviously of some importance. “And soon mankind will be in the palm of my hand, and soon the world will kneel at my feet.” He continued. His face was lit up by one single candle that flickered brightly in the dark hall. His face was scared in many places, and his eyes stained with evil. Thick black hair hung short of his eyelids, and his pointy ears as sharp as a foxes. He wore a long black cloak that reached down towards his dark leather boots. On each side of his waist, a round blade was sheathed. It sparkled in the candles gaze. A royal carpet led all the way up to his throne, on which a little man was kneeling on. His face as white as a ghost and beads of sweat trickled down his red rose cheeks. His bright eyes studied his master, watering as he dared not blink. His master returned the gaze, and the little man spoke.

“You, you called for me, my m…m…master.” he stuttered

“Ah yes, I remember. The gate is opening, and soon the world shall be mine… I mean ours. It will be everyone’s who has joined our nation. But first there is an important task that needs attending to. And I think it is only fair, that it should be you to achieve it.” ordered the man.

“Me. You want m…me to d…do this.” replied the astonished man.
“Yes, that is what I just said. Isn’t it?

“Yes, yes o…o…of course.” trembled the little man.

“Now off with you” he said loudly, pointing towards the exit.

“Yes, b…but what is it you want me to do?” mumbled the little man.

“Oh, yes David I almost forgot, you will found out soon enough so why don’t you scurry off home and await your orders.” He replied.

“Um o…ok” and with that he got up and bowed before scurrying off out of the exit.

*

“Oh finally that little weasel is gone.” laughed a Chinese woman as she dropt from the ceiling, her long black hair waving franticly about.She was dressed in red leather jacket. And at both sides of her waist, a 9mm silenced pistol was pocketed, along with hidden daggers embedded within her black boots. She smiled as he knelt before Leon Goldberge, her master. The big man returned a smile and spoke.

“Ah ha, haven’t seen you in a while miss Ching.” He said.

“Well you know me, always running into trouble. So I was beginning to wonder what you wanted done about that little weasel, David.” She answered, fiddling with strands of hair.

“Ah yes, I’ve been meaning too get this done for some time now. So since your blood thirsty for a task, I shall give you one. A very simple one at that. Now this will not be difficult but still it needs to be done, and it fits in with your enjoyment. And as a matter of fact it involves David. I…” Leon was cut off.

“Let me guess you want me too kill him.” guessed Lucy Ching, stroking her 9mm handle.

“ Bingo”

Extraterrestial --

Do you even read the critiques that people write for you? Or do you ignore them, and only come on YWS to post your stories?
I'm not trying to be bossy or anything, but it is common courtesy to go back and edit your story once it has been reviewed.

You might be wondering why I think you don't read the reviews you get? Well, it's because the same mistakes are repeated over and over again in every piece you submit.

Now onto your actual crit: (and please read it!)

I am not going to bother to give you an in-depth review for this. It is clear that you did not proof-read, and you definitely did not make an effort to fix your grammar.

DIALOGUE:

Your dialogue is very clichéd, but more about that later.

When someone is speaking, you don't do this: (here's an example)

“The world will end”. Said a large cloaked man, his voice quite but stern.

That should be: "The world will end," said a large, cloaked man, his voice quiet but stern.

You understand?

ADJECTIVES AND DESCRIPTIONS:

These are also terribly clichéd, but more about that later.

Said a large cloaked man, his voice quite but stern.

Sometimes, you don't always need to put a comma if you are using two adjectives. That is usually when the second adjective is a colour. For example: His hair was dyed a vivid blue.
But in this case, (in the sentence I've quoted) there needs to be a comma after 'large'. I suggest that you go through this and try to fix those adjective-related mistakes. Same for the dialogue.

CLICHES:

I'm sorry, but this story is one big cliché. There's not a single original bit...

See, we've all read stories with villains who are cloaked, have quiet but menacing voices, have black hair, etc. And of course, their servant is a tiny, stuttering little man.

The idea of someone taking over the world in the prologue increases the predictability of this a hundredfold. I can guess: throughout the book, a band of heroes will try to thwart Leon's evil plan, etc etc. Possibly, one of them (the leader, presumably) will fall in love with Ching, because let me guess - she is both stunningly gorgeous, devious, and evil.

Yeah. If you don't make this more unique, it's doomed. >.<

TIME AND SETTING:

I was kind of confused in this. When you mentioned the cave, I got the impression that it was a kind of medieval-ish setting. But then with the leather and the guns...

You should determine a solid time for this to take place in, and not confuse the reader with elements from different periods in history.

---------------

Overall:
I'm awfully sorry, but this is a very poor piece of writing. It's not good quality, it's not original... and it's not very well-written. Check out this article to improve your prose.

You might also want to consider the Mary-Sue litmus test.
And here's another, just for good measure.

There's lots more that I'd like to say, but I don't think I'll bother. Why should I take the time to critique your stories when you ignore the advice that myself and others have given you?

The Fantasy Writer's Exam. Do you think you will pass?

Sorry for the harshness, but you won't improve if everyone just says 'wow, great. Keep writing', now will yo?

- Camille

I don't know why you write so many prologues if you never actually do any work or complete the stories, but again... this is the same cliche, boring and typical prologue of your last one I just reviewed thankfully most of your major mistakes were caught, but I want to point out another.

Never call a chinese woman 'miss ching' or 'lucy ching'. Seriously.